Rachel Rice

March 22, 2010

The Monday After an Epiphany

DEAR YOU,

Sometimes I just want that one person to do something so horrible it pushes me over the edge so far that I just explode and let everything out that I keep bottled up inside. I always let things simmer, little things building up inside over time, resting beneath the surface until one more thing is added tumbling the whole thing over. That's when I get mad. It's usually about something silly, something that could easily and calmly be talked over, but the build up won't let it. Tears, swears, and yelling over something stupid. But that's the reason I let things sit and build up so much before being let out. Stupid. I try and rationalize with myself when something bothers me. I try and talk myself out of my anger, try and talk myself into being happy again. I don't want to make a big deal out of little issues, I tell myself. It doesn't work. Ever, no matter how hard I try. I don't like being upset. I'd so much rather be blissfully happy that I try to ignore the little things (or big things) and force myself to not be bothered.

I think that's part of what's lead to this…this feeling of…neutrality. I'm never really completely anymore. I don't feel intense emotions. The joy and anxiety for Christmas morning? Gone. Only a simple fleeting materialistic happiness at receiving new objects when the actual present opening occurs now. The excited nervousness when a big or important event happens? Gone too. Only the slightest sweaty palms and the mildest shaking of stage fright for life remains.

I want to feel again, feel emotions like I did as a child. I want the rush and joy of a perfect day. I want the impatient anxiety of waiting to leave for vacation. I want the thrill of waking up on birthdays again. I want all the heart-speeding, gut-clenching, intensity of extreme emotions back.

Nowadays I only seem to be able to get close to those old feelings through boys. And even that isn't completely helpful. It has to be the right sort of boys. Normal, simple guys don't do much. Sure, there's a little bit of the joy of kissing and holding hands, but not like there was the first time. I apparently need bad boys to satisfy me. Those are the only kind who really make me feel. Their kisses are rougher. Their touching makes me breathe harder. Their dangerous lifestyle makes them that much hotter. Its horrible. They treat me pretty horrible. Not…..terrible, just not like simple guys would. They are so much more trouble. I worry about them constantly and cry for them frequently, but hey, worry, fear, and sadness are all strong emotions and that's what I wanted. I think I must get some sort of adrenaline rush from them or something, like being with them is living on the edge. It isn't really. Its just really fun.

But here's the catch-22. Because of the "bad boys" that I've come to hang out with to feel something, I've come to feel less. Things that used to be important, emotional, or fun just aren't the same. So now I have to try harder to feel anything. I've done things the old me would never have and now that I've done them they just aren't a big deal anymore. They are also almost exclusively the cause for all the little things that build up inside me. It's a terrible cycle, and I can't get out it because then I risk not feeling anything at all and that is the opposite of what I've been striving towards.

But this weekend I had an epiphany of sorts. I WANT TO BE HAPPY, maybe even need. And not just to be happy, I already am that most of the time, I want to FEEL happy. That's my new goal for life. Be happy. Not just when I'm at school around them, at home too.

So like E.'s box on facebook says "My goal for right now is to be happy, join me. It'll be fun."

LOVE, ME

P.S.-…Let's make it an adventure.