6Dedicated to one of my best friends, Jessica. You'll know this story better than everyone else.
I stared at the computer screen, my heart in my mouth, my brain dead, still trying to let concentrate on the words on the screen.
I want to cut myself.
Each word was stab at my pounding heart. I wanted to rage, scream, cry, fight, and die all in one moment. I wanted to yell at her, demand why. I wanted to make her guilty for what she's putting me through. I wanted to make her understand that it wasn't right.
But I promised. I promised I wouldn't be like this, be broken and angry at her for her still uncertain choice. I lost it. I broke down. I bawled, hiding behind the computer monitor to stop my siblings from noticing. My chest ached from the sobs. She didn't know what I was experiencing right now. She didn't know how those five words had affected me.
She had told me she felt unwanted, small and useless. Oh how wrong she was.
She apologized for making me cry but it was no use. I told her to explain why, explain why she was even considering it. She couldn't explain it just like that. She needed specific answers. She didn't know I was still broken and dead when I asked to tell me about her mum.
Each word she typed I anticipated. I was curious yet reluctant to know why she was going to cut herself. It was like reading a heart-wrenching story. She weaved the words so well it only made me cry more. I excused myself to get a towel to soak them up. She continued as though there wasn't a break in between her lines about: her mother's cancer, her final hours, her last words… it was almost too much.
I screamed with emotion agony at her last words: And she left me…
This girl from another continent was giving me the biggest breakdown of mine to date. She was one of my best friends, on the list of mine that I chose to die for if it were ever a choice. She was the one that laughed with me at the stupidity of boys and helped convince me I was pretty. She was the one of the ones I'd told my crushes to, the one I assisted when she had her own boy problems. I threatened them with giant chainsaws and hijacking jets, scared the bastards off from her sweet, innocent being.
I would die for her.
She was beautiful to me. She wasn't small. She wasn't useless. She wasn't unwanted in my books. I'd complain to her at why guys weren't all over her. She'd laugh it off but I was serious.
And here I was, a towel to my face, my nails jagged from biting them, my heart hitting my ribcage, ready to cut myself with her. If she did it, I would too. I would do anything with her.
But then she said, I'm not going to cut myself anymore. I cried more with glee. I was so happy that even as I type this, I'm crying. She thanked me for letting that off her chest. I was just glad I'd stuck around to hear it all. I was a big girl now and she'd tried not to hurt me with this story but this story didn't hurt me. It strengthened me.
I have learnt something today, something valuable.
Even in the kindest of hearts, there is a corner; a corner filled with their most darkest and anguishing memories and secrets that may kill you. Just be brave enough and strong enough to ask and withstand.
I wanna be there for you but I can't. It kills me inside and you feel alone. But you're not. I will be there and you know it, no matter what it takesPainful? It was for me to write and experience. Let me know what you think by reviewing.
~ Love Fia xoxo