Confusion

Me, crazy? He asked the Voice. It was your idea. No, it said. This was all on you. I don't exist. What do you mean you don't exist? He screamed. I'm talking to you now. I can hear you. How can you not be real? It told him that wasn't real. None of this was real. It was all a lie. Everything was. There was no Purpose. There was no Atonement. There was only Nothing. There was only Insanity. He screamed in frustration. He didn't understand. You told me to do it all. No. Yes you did. I did not. You lie. I never lie. You said you're not real. I am not. Don't you get it? I am you. You are me. You're talking to yourself. Do not blame me, you came up with this on your own. You only created me as an excuse to do it. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened. Otherwise you would still be coked up and burnt out. I am your Will. I am your Mind. But I do not exist. You are just crazy. These gifts I have given them? You gave to them. You are the one that released them. Death is a blessing, and you realized that. You only created me to make you realize that.

The only reason I was created was to help you realize what you wanted. You are not in the right mind to know anything yourself so you created me to help you along. You are weak so with me you hoped to be strong. You are insane and you know that. You have two minds now. I am your sanity. What you were thinking was yourself. Not me. I am only here now.

This makes no sense he told the Voice. Has it ever? He paused. Then why are you still here. Because you want me here. I want you gone. Then why am I still here? He put the gun to his head. I could end it all right now he screamed. You could, but you won't. You don't have it in you. You need to decide what you're going to do next. What are you going to do about her? What are you going to do?

At that moment another lost in the haze came from behind he door. He came running in brandishing a knife, screaming at the top of his lungs. He brought the gun to level and fired. The heavy slug caught the hazer in the chest where blood exploded from the new orifice in his body but still he came running. The knife plunged down and ripped into his shoulder. Pain spiked from the feeling of steel plunging into his bone. He screamed and fell back as the man threw himself into him, knocking him back. As he hit the floor he could feel the man twist the knife in his shoulder, bringing another spike of delicious pain throughout his body. He screamed and brought the butt of the pistol down on the man's head. There was a sickening thud as flesh and bone met metal but the man twisted the knife again. He screamed again and brought it down again, this time even harder. He could feel the man's scalp scrape away but still he twisted. He looked into his bloodshot eyes and saw fear, confusion, anger. He shoved the barrel of the .45 into the back of the man's throat. Shock and surprise now entered his eyes and then pain as he squeezed the trigger. Blood and brain matter spurted through the hole that had now materialized in the back of his head. His eyes slid out of focus and his grip laxed on the knife. He pushed the man off of him and he fell with a thump onto the horrible carpet.

Slowly he reached up to his shoulder and grabbed the knife. It was deep. He could feel it biting into his bone. The pain was shocking. Explosive. Exquisite. It was delicious and unbearable all at once. Slowly he drew it out. With every centimeter the pain intesified. He started to cry. It was a slow and torturous process, just like this whole ordeal had been. It did nothing but hurt him. Finally it was free. He looked at it carefully, smeared in his own blood. He had spilt so much this night. He wasn't invincible. He wasn't untouchable. He wasn't special. He was just as human as the rest of them.
Now you understand. Said the Voice. Then why did you tell me all this before? Purpose? Atonement? All that? Because you had to go through that to understand. This makes no sense. It never will. Now, answer my question: what are you going to do about her?

He thought about it for a mere second. Then came his decision as if he had known it all along.

I'm going to find her.