Welcome to the diary of a high school slut. That's me! I've screwed up in life. Pretty bad actually now that I really think about it. I've lost my best friend, two actually, and my boyfriend. I lost my best friend Anastasia because I called her a slut when she was going through some tough times. Instead of being her friend and being there for her and trying to help her find someone who deserved her, I watched her go through boyfriends like Kleenex and I talked trash about her. I also lost my boyfriend, my best friend, one person I truly love, Leon. We live in different countries, I in America, he in England. The distance hurt a bit, not having him here, not being able to fall asleep in his arms, or to go to the movies with him or just hang out together. We found a few ways around that though, webcam chats for hours at a time, often falling asleep just talking to each other. Lots of long chats, dumb jokes, so much laughter, so much love and so many memories. He was my best friend, he helped me with a lot of things. Family issues, he stopped me from cutting again, he's broken me out of so many comfort levels. And I threw it all away by cheating on him. This is the diary of a high school slut. Be warned, much drama, many tears, and too many memories that can make or break a heart. In my case? It's breaking it.
Nikko asked me out yesterday, I went to his house to hang out with his sisters and he asked me out. I said yes because he was someone who could hold me and love me. Leon was floating around in my mind like always. I would have been home, watching a movie and talking to him, but he wasn't online. He hadn't been on since Sunday and I didn't know why. So I went to Anna Marie's house to go swimming with her. It started to rain, no swimming. So we went out and played in the rain, Nikko, Anna Marie and I. Nikko had asked me out a few hours previous to the rain storm. When we went out to play in the rain though, we got soaked, our clothes dripping wet, our hair matting our faces. My glasses were covered in little rain drops, my vision blurry as I laughed and splashed in puddles with Anna Marie. I started thinking about "The Notebook" about the kiss in the rain. One of the most romantic kisses in history, and I was in the perfect setup. I didn't do it though; I didn't jump into his arms and kiss him in the pouring rain. That was something that was meant to be shared with the one you loved, the one that made your breath catch, made your heart pound, made you smile when you wanted to be mad.
I wanted to share my first kiss in the rain with Leon. I wanted it to be his arms wrapped around me, holding me close, his warms lips pressing against mine, his wet body pressed against me. I didn't kiss Nikko in the rain. I lied instead and said I was getting cold, which wasn't a hundred percent lie. The rain did become colder, the wind blowing harder, my shorts and t-shirt not enough in the wind. We went inside and Anna Marie gave me some dry clothes. We went downstairs in the basement with little Kristin who was only five and knew me for all of two hours and clung to me like I was a giant teddy bear, Anna Marie's older brother Jonathan, her other sister Sophie and her boyfriend Hank. We all piled onto the couches and watched each other play Final Fantasy. We sat and ate greasy pizza from the gas station in town, and we watched a movie. A movie called "Miss March" some movie about a playboy bunny, full of raunchy jokes, half naked playboy bunnies and a dick-less rapper named Horse Dick Dot Mpeg. Finally, six thirty rolled around and I had to leave. I said my goodbyes and left, going home to a messy room that needed cleaning and a heart that was twisting.
When I finally finished cleaning my room, took a shower and lay down in bed, I couldn't sleep. I redid the music on my itouch and tried to think, but it wasn't working out. Finally I cried myself to sleep around midnight. I woke up today at five thirty with a headache and an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I pushed any thoughts about Leon or Nikko from my head and crept downstairs to the laundry room to get my clean clothes. Creeping back upstairs, careful not to wake my parents up, I walked into the bathroom and pulled on my clothes. I began curling my hair and decided it looked like shit so I straightened it and let it down. Putting on dark eyeliner and walking into my room, I packed up my stuff and looked at the clock. Thirty minutes until I got on the bus. Oh shit, Nikko and I ride the same bus. Okay, I took a deep breath and listened to music waiting for the time to pass by. Finally my father called up the stairs to make sure I was awake. I said I was and slowly made my way downstairs and sat down in the living room, absently turning on the news.
It was time to go, before I missed the bus. My dad helped me put the bike in the back of the truck and we drove out into the thick fog. The weeds in front of the fence post where I chain my bike to overflowed with the unwanted plants. From all the fog they were wet, slippery. I chained the bike and walked back towards the truck not thinking really, just acting like a zombie. Not noticing a small hole in the ground, I tripped, the wet grass making my clumsiness worse. I twisted my ankle and soaked my jeans in the dewy grass. I got up and limped back to the car, still in zombie mode. I grabbed my bag from the truck and walked to the bus, getting on and slowly walking to the back to sit down next to Nikko. Pulling in my headphones, I sat mute for most of the ride. That's how most of my day went, no real reactions could be pulled from me. No sleep and a headache shut off my social skills. Finally I got on the bus once more to go home. I was ready to get into bed and take a nap. Or talk to Leon, either was fine with me.
I get home and I walk upstairs, tossing my bag to the foot of my bed. I kicked off my shoes and climbed onto my soft bed, grabbing a pillow and curling into it, turning on my computer. I sat patiently, waiting for it to boot up. Finally it was up and running and I pulled up my messenger and my email. No new emails, no surprise there. I turned on messenger and went to check Facebook. I began talking to a few of my friends and then flipped back to messenger, clicking Leon's name and saying hey. That's when everything went to hell. He knew, he had figured it out somehow that I was hiding something. He said if I quit lying and just tell him that he might be forgiving. After what I told him, I knew he wouldn't forgive him. He knew something was up though, no use in trying to hide it anymore. I told him that I had cheated on him. Lots of crying ensued, lots of yelling, anger, pain, heartbreak. I used him, I stabbed him in the back, I'm nothing but a two bit whore. I feel dirty.. I feel worthless and I wish I could take it all back. Things were going great, until I told Nikko yes. Things need to be changed, the past needs to be forgotten, people need to move on. I need to push on from my mistakes, change myself, change my ways. I hurt Leon bad and I feel terrible. My heart aches for him, but I have no one to blame. No one whatsoever except for myself. I don't know what hurts the worst. Knowing I hurt him like that, or knowing I lost something so great. Knowing that I lost a man who was coming to Michigan in July to surprise me. They both hurt. My eyes prove it with the dull burn of many tears shed, the thud in my head of a headache from crying. Thankfully my arms have shed no blood, my skin is unbroken from a razor blade. I almost lost him for cutting myself a long time ago. I won't go through that once more. I'm changing. Not just because I lost him or Anastasia. I'm changing because I've realized that all the things I do in my life, are making me lose those whom I love and care for. For the actions I've committed, I've paid for in pain, heartache, and loss. I'm changing it all. I'm going to get my life back on track. And maybe.. one day, Leon will forgive me and we can be together again. I don't think he'll ever forgive me though, not this time. It's time… to move on..
Love with the broken pieces of my heart-
The teenage slut