Chapter 4: Eric

All I saw that night was the look of disgust on Estavan's face and what he said to me after school. I didn't even feel the tear fall down my face in till I felt my dad's rough hand wipe it away. "What's wrong, Eric?" He asked worry clouding his face.

"Oh, sorry dad I just thought about what happened today."

"Care to share?" I told him everything and he hugged me tightly before he looked me in the eyes and said how if Estavan was the one for me, he would forgive me by tomorrow. I hugged my father and wished him a good night before I slipped in to the bathroom to shower and fell in to a restless sleep.

It smelled of blood when I got home. I called for my brother and no one answered. I ran up the stairs into my brother's room and screamed when I saw his body lying on the floor with his blood pooling around his head. I dialed 911 on my cell and whispered over and over to his cold and lifeless body to not leave me. I held his hand and felt the crumpled paper in his tight grasp. I eased his fingers open and read the short letter.

Dear dad and Eric,

If you're reading this, than I went through with it and shot myself. I just couldn't take the shame anymore, the pain of knowing I was different and the shunning I received from everyone I came out to. I couldn't bear to see you guys look at me in total disgust. So to make you understand what I'm talking about, I'll come out to you in this letter. Dad, Eric, I'm gay. There now you can hate me all you want but please understand I loved you both so much, mom too before her cancer ate her. I'm so sorry I couldn't be the son and brother y'all disserved, but at least now I could save you from the shame of having a faggot queer as a relative. So this is my final goodbye, I will always love you both.

Steven

I shot up gasping for air and hugged my knees closer to me, the smell and sight of Steven's warm red blood still bright in my mind. I gave up trying to wipe away the tears and cried myself to sleep like I did for months after his death.

The next day at school I saw Estavan leaning against the same spot I did the other day. He looked up as I came closer and I saw that he was crying. He came up to me and hugged me gently but still with some force "I'm sorry, so sorry." He repeated himself over and over his tears making my shirt damp. I just stood there motionless in till I saw a flash from the corner of my eye. We looked up and saw Sable there with her pink Sony camera. Estavan and I looked in to each others eyes and smiled. Estavan ran up behind her and I blocked her from the sides and front and snatched her camera. I scrolled threw them seeing several pictures of me and Estavan together. We tackled her and never gave her camera back in till all the pictures were deleted. Of course doing that was rewarded with a kick to the ass.

"So have you told him yet?" Sable asked while we were waking to her algebra class Estavan went to the bathroom and told us to go without him. "Told him what?"

"That you're gay."

"Hell no!"

"Why not?"

"One, he might freak, two he may not be gay, three-"

"Three he might be but you're too chicken to find out because you're scared of rejection. You don't have to be all like 'hey Estavan I'm gay lets fuck each other!' all you have to say is 'heads up, I'm gay' and that would be the end of that."

"It's not that simple…"

"Yes it is I did it to Stella and now look at us! 2 years and still counting and even her moving this past month hasn't endangered our relationship."

"It's easier with you lesbians but gays have a reputation of getting the shit knocked out of us while you girls get drooled on by the straights who get turned on by that crap."

"Oh whatever, you're hopeless. Look, just do it and you might be surprised. Well I got to go, see you at lunch."

"Yeah, see ya." I walked slowly to my chemistry class thinking over what Sable said.