If I cared I would ask.

He went on and on about his last football game- or was it hockey? Or lacrosse? If I cared I would have known. If I cared I would be the girlfriend that wore his varsity jacket and went to his games. Who got up three hours early to look good for him. Who laughed too a little bit too loudly at his jokes and told him all about my emotions and all that bullshit.

I'd have been the most popular girl in school.

So why didn't I want to be the adored and envied girl hanging off the arm of the star…umm…lacrosse player?

Couldn't tell you.

I tolerated him. He was good in bed, he was rich, and he was sweet. That was the extent of my feelings.

Well, the parties were good too. Nice houses, good stereo systems and expensive beer. Before him it would be somebody's smoky basement with a TV in the background and a jug handle of Popov or something else that tasted equally revolting.

So the benefits outweighed the negatives. I could put a smile on and pretend like I was listening in exchange for living the good life.

At least I could for awhile. I don't know how long the charade would have gone on if it wasn't for…well I'm not ready to tell that part. I like to think I had a decent sense of morality so I don't know if I could have stood at the altar and said "I do". I hope I wouldn't have. I guess I'll never know.

Admittedly my sense of morality is somewhat in question…and not just according to all those religious freaks who say I'm 'a sinner' and 'abnormal' or whatever they go on about- I don't usually stick around long enough to hear. But again that's later in my story.

No what I'm referring to is the fact that people might argue that it was kind of immoral to lead a guy on for two and a half years…but its not like he didn't get anything out of it…he got laid at least every other night and had a girl that was up for just about anything. I'd say he even got the better end of the deal.

So we were both happy. Did he honestly love me like he said he did? I don't know. It's possible. He might have been in love with the idea of me. I don't think much of his love was for my personality. I know I didn't love him. He was a great guy, I cared about him, but I know now in a way that I didn't know back then that I could never have loved him in the way that a girl is supposed to love a man.

I just didn't have it in me.