The last letter

Dear Ace,

I love you, I always have.

I can't even write to you what I felt the first time that I saw you. Hell, I can't even tell you. How can you describe something so wonderful and full of grace?

The first time I laid my eyes on you it was like my whole world disappeared and became you. Everything around me stopped and I swear I felt my heart skip a few beats.

Do you believe that love at first sight is possible? At first I didn't, but that was before I met you.

Before I met you I was a heartless woman, with no aims and no knowledge of love. But then you came along. You changed me.

You changed me so drastically that I became a completely different person. My days were no longer grey and I started smiling more and singing in the shower.

I can still remember clearly the first time I saw you. It was the first day of my senior year in high school and it was your first day at our school. I was walking down the main hall and then I saw you leaving the Principal's office.

The light made your eyes clearer than they are, and your blond hair seemed brighter than usual. I had never seen you before, but I felt as if we were destined to get to know each other.

Of course, at first you didn't notice me, or so I think, because you kept on walking until you found your English class. But fortunately, I had that class too, and when I entered the room I saw you looking at me and when our eyes connected and that was when my world disappeared. It was such a weird, unknown and welcoming feeling that it was almost too much for me to handle it. I still don't know how long I stood up there, just watching you, looking at you in the eyes.

Automatically I made my way to my desk, which was in front of yours, and I could feel your eyes on me during the entire lesson. At first it made me feel uncomfortable. What if you didn't like me? Or if you thought I was stupid for standing in front of the class for God knows how long? But then, it started making me feel pretty and wanted.

Later that week you talked to me. Your voice was like the best melody for my ears. I couldn't get tired of it, and I even dreamt with it. You asked me if you could sit with me at lunch, and I answered you that you could. Then you wandered off to one of your classes and I stood there for a few more minutes. I couldn't believe you had asked me to sit with me. After all the people that had asked you to sit with them you had chosen me, though I hadn't asked. What if you got bored with me? I am a loner after all, or so I was. I spent the whole morning thinking that you wouldn't come, that you had already seen the idiot I was.

But you came.

And we started talking about our lives and what we liked. You also came to sit with me the following day, and the following one.

As weeks passed, we started to get to know each other better and better. I knew everything about you: what you liked, what your thoughts on different political and science things were, your favourite dishes, how your life at home was and every single detail about your favourite stuff.

Meanwhile, I was smiling the whole time, I dreamt of you every night and I couldn't stop thinking about you. You were like a long eclipse. You hovered over every thought and were always present.

You started smiling more, I noticed. We spent the whole time we were together laughing and making jokes at each other.

Weeks later you asked me to go on a date with you. I was so excited! At home I couldn't stop jumping on my bed and I was so happy I thought I was going to burst of excitement.

That night was our first kiss, and the feeling of your lips on mine is the only feeling I could ever wish for.

Then we spent hours and hours on the phone when we weren't together. We saw each other at school, at our homes and went to different places every weekend.

Remember the lake that we discovered together? It was gorgeous and so vivid. We spent the entire day there, swimming, playing, talking and kissing. It was one of the best days of my life.

I was so in love with you.

But unfortunately, I couldn't tell you my deepest secret, my downfall, and because of that I couldn't tell you my feelings.

If you are reading this letter is because I am not here to tell you that I love you, and I am going to tell you my downfall.

I was diagnosed with leukaemia at first when I was seven years old. I thought I had got over the illness, but apparently it came again.

I'm sorry for lying to you and telling you that I was going on vacations, but I didn't want to hurt you. Please understand me. What would you do in my situation?

I know that you saw me getting worse because I was getting paler and skinnier, and you even asked about it, but I couldn't tell you.

If you are reading this means that I am not and won't be here to tell you that I love you. So I tell you now: I LOVE YOU.

My last and only wish is for you to be happy. I know that you love me, but you have to get over me. I want you to marry a beautiful woman, one who loves you, and have the children you want, but I hope that I remain in your memory for the rest of your life, but not as something sad, not as your first girlfriend who passed away, I want you to remember me as the happiness of your last year of high school, as your closest friend and as the girl that loves you with all her heart.

I guess I will meet you again in a long time. I'll be waiting for you, and when you come you'll tell me about the wonderful life you lived and how proud of your children you are.

I love you.