11I looked at the door strangely, as if it held all the answers to who the hell would come knocking at my door when my only friends were still in the office, before standing and walking to the door slowly, listening as whoever it was knocked again. They were impatient.
I shrugged to myself, glad no one lived with me to see the blatant display of responding physically to my own thoughts, and opened the door. My heart stopped in my chest.
"Jason." I was proud that my voice didn't shake once, and didn't come out as breathless as I felt.
The taller man on the other side of the door swallowed audibly, his caramel eyes looking deep into my forest green with a longing so deep it tried to shake me to the core. "Adam."
His already musky voice was much more airy than mine, and the satisfaction in that beat away the out dated heartfelt lump that had started in my throat at the sight of the caramel skinned man in front of me.
"What are you doing here?" I was so proud of the conviction in my voice that I found the strength to put the hand that wasn't on the door itself against the doorjamb, pointedly blocking the only way he had into my domain.
He tried to smile, but it came out as a pathetic grimace through his deep black hair. "I came to see you…you moved." The last part had questioning inflection.
I cocked my hip slightly to the side in an inpatient manner. "It's been five years, Jason. Lots of things happen in five years." I was being a little catty, but I had to stay strong. If I showed the slightest weakness he would think he could hop right into my life and all my progress would be shot to hell.
Jason used his height to look into my apartment, and I felt horrible that I had left my bedroom door open enough for him to see my bed. My twin sized bed. "Obviously not too many things," He looked down at me again, "You're single?" The hope there was blinding.
I nodded. "I'm single." I said with pride, not letting any shame enter my composure. "I'm not available however, and I never will be." I kept my eye contact with him, and let myself spare him the tightest lipped smile I could muster before I tried to shut the door.
He put his hand in the jamb, thankfully not over my hand, and tried to ease his way inside. "Please Adam...I just want to talk. Thirty minutes top, and we can be done if that's what you really want." I was leaning heavily against the door, thankful that he wasn't trying with all of his strength to get in or I wouldn't stand a chance. "We were together for three years; don't we owe each other thirty minutes?"
I sighed heavily, before letting up on the door and letting him slide through the door and making my way over to the kitchen area. I didn't offer him anything to drink as I poured myself a cup of coffee from the machine I was thanking God I had started when I got home.
Jason looked around my place, taking in my desk with my laptop on it and my bookshelves filled with non-fiction books and non-romance mysteries. My cooking and knowledge of the universe has greatly improved with the passing of time. "I went back to Reilly, looking for you." He leaned back against the island bar. "I had to beg your sister to give me your address."
I shrugged. "What did you want to say?" I sipped the comforting liquid.
He watched me closely. "You hate coffee." He informed, looking confused.
I rolled my eyes at him and took another sip. "Things change. Now tell me what you want or get out."
He took a deep breath. "I've been without you for a very long time, and everyday it hurt more. I love you Adam, and I want to try our relationship again." He had the nerve to say it with a straight face.
I couldn't stop it, I tried, but it just came out, and soon I was cracking up so hard that I spilled my cooling coffee all over my burgundy dress shirt. "Shit!" I laughed out, setting my mug on the counter and just pulling the shirt off my small frame without unbuttoning it.
I was still laughing at I ran the shirt under the water; ignoring whatever stain was forming on my black undershirt. "I'm sorry; you're going to have to repeat that. I thought you were asking me to be with you again." I was still chuckling as I left the shirt to soak for now and turn back to my ex.
Jason certainly didn't look as amused as I was. "Adam, I really am being honest here." He sounded to heart wrenching that I had to quell the threatening laughter.
I shook my head, still smiling tensely at him. "Jason." I shook my head again, I couldn't help it. "You were the one who dumped me; loudly, abruptly and in front of my entire family." I picked up my cold coffee and poured it in the other side of the sink. "Your exact words were: 'I'm sorry Adam, I love you but you're suffocating…and frankly? I can do better.' Ring any bells?"
Jason had the guts to look upset at the reminder and dropped out eye contact. "I was young and stupid. Twenty isn't old enough to know what or who you want. But, I've matured a lot." He pleaded his case and I listened accordingly until I had to stop him.
"Jason, the conversation we had afterward was the real deciding factor for why I'm still not going to be available when you leave here." I leaned back, putting as much space between us as possible. "You made one request. You asked me to let you go, that you wanted freedom and you needed me to give it to you." I felt my smile drop a little and my bottom lip slide between my teeth for a second before I forced it out.
"I was wrong Adam, I made a mistake. We all make those." He went to take a step towards me and I quickly, and maybe a little childishly, hastened to the opposite side of the island than him.
I shook my head at him. "Not like those. You meant it." I nodded slightly, the reminder of the feeling I felt that night pushed against the scar, causing a slight throb. "I tried, and it took me three whole years, but I'm over it now."
Jason looked at me with a desperate yearning. "Adam please…just…we were happy once. We were gloriously happy. We were-"
"We were kids Jason. We started dating in high school, and…it wasn't meant to last." I shrugged; I had long ago accepted this as fact.
Jason leaned heavily against the counter, as if he wanted to be closer to me. "Maybe we were supposed to last forever, and I'm just a fuck up." I watched him lick his lips, a nervous habit that he had apparently failed to break. "I just…I'm tired of not waking up next to you." He broke eye contact to stare at the counter between us. "I always thought we would one day. Think what you want, but that was never a lie. I always dreamed of the white picket fence and 2.5 kids…with you." He was earnest, I could tell. I just…I wasn't sure how to tell him that it didn't matter.
"I dreamed of that too Jason, even after we'd broken up." I sent him a tight smile. "I don't anymore. I won't." I nodded at him, trying to get conformation that he knew what I was talking about. "You asked me to let you go…and I did."
Jason's eyes searched mine with a look I couldn't begin to understand, but I knew that all he read in mine was exhaustion. "Please Adam…I haven't woken up once in the past five years and not thought about you. I tried dating other people...I called out your name during sex." He was shaking and his eyes had steadily descended from my gaze. "I need you, I love you…you're my everything."
It hurt, but not like it should. The words didn't evade my soul and spread warmth like they had in the past. I just felt pity. "I'm sorry Jason." I sent him a compassionate smile. "I really am, and I hope one day you get over that. I hope you find someone and you are happy." I leaned across the counter and I patted his hand. "But that person won't be me." I gave it a squeeze before I lifted it and moved over to the sink to get my shirt.
"Adam…you're single, I'm single…can't we give it one more shot?" I listened to his voice as it filled with sorrow. The more I heard it the more I remembered. I remembered the pain of him cheating on me with Sam, my best friend, after a year and a half of dating. I remembered him ruining my prom night, my graduation, everything with his distance. I remembered having sex with him…and thinking that my right hand would have been more intimate.
I closed my eyes, realized they were dry, and opened them again. I remember towards the end…watching a movie with him…and not even sitting on the same couch. The couch that was the only seating in the room; he had sat on the floor.
"You broke me." I said quietly, noting the frigid tone of my unwavering voice. "And you didn't even care." I turned to look at him. "It was long before the break up. I was…I was so convinced that I needed you." I locked eyes with his, watching the tears fall without remorse. "I was used to being treated like shit."
"Adam…"
I held up my hand. "I gave you your chance, let me have mine. My biggest sin is my pride. And I was used to being treated like shit." I searched him. "I was broken for a long time. I got myself put back together Jason. I got myself through school, I have a damn good job, and I even have a date next Friday." I laughed unsteadily. "We are so over."
Jason was silently crying as he watched me, and I let myself a small amount of satisfaction. "Can we at least be friends?" His voice was so pathetic that I wanted to say yes, despite my harsh feelings.
"No." I looked at the time on the stove and clapped my hands together. "Time's up."
The taller man looked like I had slapped him, from which sentence I have no idea, but he let out a shaky breath and leaned off the counter. I watched him as he walked to the front door. "I love you." He called over his shoulder, pausing before opening the door as if he expected me to break down and run to him.
He was disappointed as he shut the door behind him.
I heaved a heavy sigh before turning back around and taking my shirt out of the water. I took it to the laundry area in the double doors beside my bathroom and got the stain remover. I really hoped I could get that stain out.
This was my favorite shirt.
A/N: This is the product of a break up with my boyfriend of three years. Very fun.