Wishing on a star: being the fat girl.

Normality. Something no one specifically likes but always tries to achieve. You can never understand what being normal truly means because you're never able to accept yourself as it. I know for a fact I'm not normal and most people around me are. What sets me apart from them is what makes me realize I'm not normal, while they all weigh around 110-115 pounds each, are slightly taller than me and have flawless skin, I weigh 160 pounds, I'm 5'4 and when I was younger used to get pimples (not so much anymore).

Now it's summer and while my friends are enjoying going out and flirting with guys, I spend most my time at home, eating my feelings and getting weird looks from guys. I have tried every single diet in the world, but none of them seem to work on me and I can't seem to follow them for long either. I wish I could be like them all the time, put on a bikini, look pretty and just wait for guys to approach me. Did I mention I'm the only virgin too? Well, I am, and I've never been kissed for real or had a boyfriend.

"Aren't you tired of being a virgin?" my aunt Claudia asks me, while my mom sets the table for dinner. My aunt is... well... dirty minded. Ever since I was thirteen she's been trying to get me to diet and have sex, her biggest passion in this world. "I mean you're pretty and I know you like guy's who are hot, so why don't you just set your mind on it? Sex is the greatest thing in this world Bea, trust me, I know" she lets out a chuckle and I try to hide my sadness by laughing at her. Of course I'd like to have sex, which 18 year girl wouldn't?! Our body asks for it every time we see something we like.

"You're disgusting" I tell her and spot my mom coming in our direction.

"Claudia would you stop telling my daughter those sort of things, I'm proud that she has been able to keep her virginity all these years" my mom tells her. My mom hates when my dad's sisters try to corrupt me, which is a lot. "If your brother ever hears you say those kinds of things to her he'll kill you". It's true. My dad hates that his family is so open minded, if it was up to him I'd stay fat forever if that meant that no guy would ever want me for sex, which it does.

"I'm just telling her how it is, besides it's not like you and my brother don't do the nasty often too" she laughs at my mom and I cover my ears, ready to leave the room. Remember what I said about normality? Well my family knows nothing about it.

"I'm going up to my bedroom and I'll probably eat later, my ears can't take this anymore. Too much dirt already for one day. I'm out" I say, getting up from the table. Every week my family comes together for a dinner, but I usually eat alone in my bedroom because I feel uncomfortable around them. All they talk about is sex and going out, and I'm not like that, not because I don't want to, but because I can't.

I make my way upstairs and listen to everyone giggle, even my cousin Emma. Emma used to be chubby like me, but last year she decided it was enough and became thin, after that life took its course and she soon got a boyfriend, broke up with him, had sex with a guy in the middle of nowhere, and has been going out every night hooking up with several unknowns to me. We used to be best friends, but now I can't stand being around her too much, seeing her get all the attention... I guess you can say I'm jealous of what she became. As I get to my bedroom I open my laptop and go to Facebook. The first thing that appears is his face, I stare at it for a few minutes and I can feel the tears coming up. It's been 4 years and I still can't get over him. Yuri. He was my first love and I could've given him everything, but he never looked at me that way, I was always just the funny, chubby Bea. If only I'd lost the weight, maybe it would've work out.

Or maybe not... Please girl, you have got to get over him! Honestly I don't understand why I can't. I wish I could. I log off and stare at the ceiling. I wish I could be skinny. I wish I found someone who was my type and made me his. I wish I could get rid of this virginity once and for all. I wish next month when I go to college I won't be this fat. Out of all these wishes I know which one has to come first, the not being fat one. I want a fresh start next month; I don't want to be the fat one again. I want people to get to know me as the normal one, the cute one. I want guys to come over and ask me my name first, not the other way around.

Tomorrow I have to go back to my summer job has a full time babysitter. I spend hours a day in that dump, but as soon as I get home I eat like a lunatic, it's insane. Maybe I should stop doing that. Maybe I should just eat some fruit and hide out in my bedroom and do a little exercise, that way I'll be able to shed some weight. Okay, I'll do it. I won't try this time, I'll actually do it. Something good has to come out of this awful routine I'm stuck in. I smile at myself for this moment of confidence, as soon as I do, my phone vibrates.

Big party in 10 days babe. At the beach, everyone is going and so are you. I won't let you bail on this one. Hot guys!

-Emma

Okay, now you really need to starve yourself Bea!