The pain.

The pain from trying to love.

And trying stop loving at the same time.

It starts in my chest.

And then it spreads,

My body in the process of drowning.

My shoulders slacken from the pressure of pain.

I wonder of this is what cancer feels like.

But my pain isn't gut wrenching.

It numbs me. It levitates.

Leaves me shaken and trembling.

Wanting more.

Wanting more pain.

Making me consider the forbidden.

Making me consider taking the sweet blade.

To take a chance.

To make my blood stain.

Stain my skin.

Stain my promise, leaving it sullied.

Breaking promises, my most deadliest sin.

That is what gives me pain, what puts me in holes

Especially when I do it to him.

He's the one that gives me hope.

My sanity intact I give to him.

So I keep the promise.

And keep my sin deep inside.

Of not choosing.

Of not knowing.

Of not taking the chance.