1I was nervous about going to see the doctor. I didn't want to go; I was afraid he was going to say something that I didn't have control over. I needed control in my life. What if she said I was crazy? What if she said I was a hopeless case...?
Oh, I could feel the rage burning deep within me. I didn't know if I would be able to stop it this time. I was going to scream.
Well, I did scream; and I enjoyed it.
"Kade, calm down," Melissa whispered urgently. "This is a waiting room; you can't scream in here!"
The secretary looked at me with shock.
"What?" I asked. "Am I the first person to scream in here?" The secretary went back to her work. I sat down with Melissa.
Melissa whispered in my ear. "How are you?"
I sighed. "I don't want to f***ing be here."
"I know, it's scary."
"You have no f***ing idea.. I'm so scared I think I might s*** myself. I don't want to be here, why did you make me go?!"
The psychiatrist stood by the doorway. "Kade," she called. I got up and went with her. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
We got to the room and sat down. "So," she asked. "What brings you here today?"
She had long, dark hair and slitted eyes. I could tell she was Japanese.
"Nothing," I muttered... "No...that's not right. I'm depressed."
"Depressed?" she looked at me with interest. "Describe to me your depression?"
"Well," I began. "I get suicidal and want to kill myself. That's all."
She began to look concerned. "You should go to the ER if something like that happens again...I'm very concerned."
I nodded. "It's not like the ER could actually help me," I muttered to myself.
"You don't think the ER will help you?" she asked. Dammit, she heard me.
"No I replied. All they would do is send me to a mental ward and I don't belong there. I'm not crazy; my friend made me come here."
She stared at me with interest. "Why did your friend make you come here?"
I shrugged. "I don't know, she thought I needed *help*."
"Do you think you need help?"
"I JUST TOLD YOU…NO!" I hollered at the psychiatrist. She was taken aback but quickly regained her composure.
"Why are you so angry?" she demanded quitly.
I groaned. "Because my life sucks, okay? My mom has Borderline Personality Disorder. Now I think I'm screwed up too. But I'm not the only one who's screwed up. Everyone is; everyone has something loose in their head. The whole world is screwed up."
"That's a negative view to have on the world…"
"You think? I can't help it; it's the TRUTH."
"The truth to you…" she explained.
"What?"
"The negative view is the truth to you, your truth. And one day you will have to escape from that and see the world in a different way. If you don't, you'll die."
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"If you don't change your views, you'll become suicidal and die."
Then it hit me, she was right.
"How the hell do you know this?"
"Because," she began. "I have seen a lot of patients like you…You all think you are going to live forever. You don't even see consequences in your future. But I do. I see your future, and it's not a happy one. You need to change your ways. You need to have faith in my abilities as a doctor, or nothing will change."
"Wow," I uttered.
"Yes," she agreed "Very deep. Now…what is your biggest problem?"
"My anxiety," I admitted. "It's been driving me crazy forever. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna die or something."
"Sounds like panic disorder."
"What can you do about it."
"I'll put you on Prozac…hopefully then…you will feel better."
She wrote the prescription for Prozac and handed it to me. "Now I want to see you in two weeks…is that okay?"
I nodded. "That's fine."
"Good, she smiled. Have a wonderful day."
I left the appointment feeling confused and hurt. I didn't know why I was feeling hurt; I just was. I knew Melissa was expecting good results.
When was she going to get it through her head that miracles didn't happen on the first appointment?! Sometimes miracles didn't happen at all…
And sometimes…I felt like they were never going to happen to me.
All my life I was beaten and abused. I lived in a broken home. I didn't have a lot in my life. It was too painful to even begin to talk about the abuse.
I avoided talking about it at all costs, it was something that I kept close to my heart.
I wanted to run away from this life…
Then I heard Melissa's voice…
"Hello? Kade?" she whimpered. "Are you okay?"
I snapped back to reality. "What? Oh, yes! I'm fine."
"So, how did the appointment go?"
"I'll tell you when we leave," I whispered. We went out the door. I gestured for her to follow me. As we climbed into the elevator, I told her all I had to say.
"It was awkward," I began. "I don't think she really understood me."
"Well it *is* the first visit, and those are always the most awkward. I'm sure she'll be able to help you Melissa."
"She put me on Prozac."
"Prozac's a good drug."
"I don't think she knows how to help me."
"Don't say that I know she'll help you."
"Why do you always do this?" I strongly demanded. Melissa looked at me with confusion.
"Do what?"
"Care about me…you know I'm a bad person."
Melissa roughly shook her head. "No; that's what the disease wants you to believe…but you're strong…and brave and you'll make it through alive."
I wiped the tears that were slowly coming from my eyes. "But what if I don't?"
"Don't say those things," she explained. "The future isn't now…the present is…and you have to take care of yourself or you won't have a future to come home to."
"A future," I cried. "What future? My life is so screwed up! I don't have a future I never have…stop with your damn preaching already!"
She put her hands on my arms. "You're going to be okay…don't lose hope."