A.N.: I know this is short even for an intro, but the idea for this hit me at two in the morning, and I wasn't capable of staying awake for more than the five minutes it took to get this much down. The actual chapters will be much longer, but please remember that I'm a shameless review whore and will publish faster if I get feedback.

"In My Defense"

~By Venus Smurf

In my defense, I really thought he was gay.

I mean, really…do straight guys own that many sweater vests? He claims they were all presents from his grandmother, but honestly, did that mean he had to wear them?

There were so many signs! He went to the gym every morning. Who does that? Gay men. And, okay, health nuts. And anyone from California except, apparently, me. I still say it's abnormal.

He watched chick flicks with me. No straight guy would do that unless he were with his girlfriend, and even then, only if she'd blackmailed him into it. Granted, he didn't look like he was enjoying them, but he was still there.

He has a cat. I like cats as much as the next person, but cats are like the gay version of dogs. What straight male has a cat?

He cooks. I can't even cook…and he plays the piano. Now, I know most girls would say that a man who can cook and serenade his girl with music is the perfect man, but in my eyes, that's just one pink shirt short of having a significant other named Steve.

Vous êtes homosexuel, mon ami!

Plus, his sister kinda told me he was.

Don't get me wrong—I'm not a homophobe. I don't care if people are straight or gay or something in between. And after all, there's something really liberating about spending time with someone you know won't ever be attracted to you. You don't have to panic if you haven't bothered to comb your hair, or if you've decided to get in touch with your inner hobo and not shower for a week. You don't have to worry about what he'll think if you down an entire pizza by yourself. It's like having a best female friend and a brother rolled into one. You can relax. You can be yourself…at least until he announces that he's been lying to you all that time and actually isn't gay at all.

Look, maybe it seems like I'm stereotyping, but it was seriously traumatizing! I shudder when I remember the times he walked in on me in the bathroom, or the times I asked him to check my teeth for food, or the times…

I don't even want to think about it. Point is, I've completely humiliated myself in front of this man…who isn't gay. And who claims to be in love with me, which just means that things are doubly awkward, because now I don't know what to say to him.

Just shoot me, please.