I stared at the darkness that seemed to be closing in around me. I just sat there, no more strength to push it away this time. I let my head roll back and rest against the cool wall behind me. I couldn't let anyone see me like this; I was a different person now. I would not let myself fall back into those depths of despair I had learned to call home since I was so young.
For some reason sitting like this with my back against the wall, in the space between the bed and the window made me feel safe. It's why I've always tried to have the same layout in my bedroom, wherever I was living.
I couldn't help it, tears started to roll uncontrollably down my cheeks. Thoughts and memories ran their course through my mind, always the same ones, it was like someone had selected some of my best and worst memories and put them on a disk.
I believe that God isn't real. If he was, then why would some innocent people have such disastrous lives and others have perfectly normal ones? Why would people who are cruel and deceive everyone else for their own gain live in luxurious comfort and people who never did anything wrong suffer their whole lives?
I wiped my face on my sleeve as I heard footsteps coming down the hall. The door opened and light streamed in, temporarily blinding me. When my eyes had focused, I saw Shannon standing there just staring at me. For a while he just stood there, staring sadly at me, unsure what to do. Finally he ran his hand through his short brown hair and walked over to my little corner and put his hands in his pockets.
'Why were you sitting in the dark?' He asked as if he didn't know. I just stared at him, and my eyes started to brim with tears again. He knelt down in front of me and took my hand in both of his. His hands were so large they easily enveloped mine. 'Listen, Lyra, I know you're coping with this badly, but you need to get out of this room. You need food, and you should see your friends, let them know you'll be alright, ok?' His eyes started to fill with tears too, tears for his lost brother.
I hated myself in that moment; letting somebody see me so weak. The only person who had known me how I used to be, before this life, had gone. I had never seen Shannon cry, I had always thought of him as too strong for that.
'What would I do without you?' I asked though sobs and wrapped my arms around him. He held me tight, my tiny frame against his muscular and tall one.
We cried together in that dark room, for a long time. Holding onto each other, like lifelines, trying not to drown in our sorrow. As though we were laying out our broken hearts for each other to see.
'Do you think I could have stopped him?' I asked Shannon. He drew away from me to look me in the eyes. His golden brown eyes searched my green ones and he frowned.
'You don't think it's your fault, do you?' He asked me. I wiped the tears from his cheeks.
'I don't know, maybe it was. He didn't have to go…' I dropped Shannon's gaze, the guilt seemed to fill me up. He gently pulled my chin up to look at him again.
'This was none of our faults, ok?' He said firmly. I gave a slight nod, only believing him slightly. Shannon got up and pulled me to my feet.
'Lyra, I'm not letting you stay in here anymore.' He told me.
'I'm just not really to speak to everyone yet.' I told him.
'Everyone's going to be at the funeral tomorrow, so you're going to have to speak to them.' He said, his hands on my arms as if he didn't know if I was capable of standing.
'I know.' I whispered a lump formed in my throat when I thought about putting Jared's body deep in the ground forever. Shannon put his arm around me, warmth spread through me from his arm, like I wasn't alone anymore. He started to walk me towards the door, I was reluctant but I went with him. I'd spent too long in the silent darkness. Lonely, feeling like I was a girl again, feeling as if life was too harsh to keep on living.
'Don't worry, we'll get through this.' He sent a sad smile my way and I couldn't help but do the same.
But I wondered if I could really go tomorrow, and be able to look at Jared's pale, bloodless face in a padded coffin, in his only suit knowing those beautiful stunning blue eyes would never look at me full of love again. His cold lifeless body would be underground, deteriorating as I lived regretfully on.
I just wanted to be back when I was younger, feeling those feelings again when Jared saved me from my old life.
Hope you liked the first chapter, it's sad but I promise after a while it'll get happier :)