Why I Love America
Author's Note:The following is written incorporating a style of humour known as 'irony'. This is something that people from England, where I am originally from, are well versed in, but for some reason has not travelled so well to our colonies and former colonies.
This is intended as a brief essay in order to explain all of the wonderful things that us people in the rest of the world have been lucky enough to benefit from as a result of the hard work and effort put in by the people of one of those afore-mentioned former colonies. Without you, the world, truly, would be a much darker place.
Disclaimer:The opinions expressed to the south of the soon to appear line are not necessarily the opinions of the author. Everything written below the afore-mentioned but yet to appear line is intended to be taken with a pinch of salt, or, if such an item is not available, any suitable condiment of your choosing.
Almost none of the terms and phrases used in the writing of this piece bear any similarity to the actual beliefs of the author, and he apologises in advance for using them in this manner, which, remember, is meant to be taken as a purely ironic and not even remotely serious expression of opinions on any of the subjects covered!
America the beautiful, America the brave, as someone once said. So, what exactly has this great nation done to help the rest of the world? What should we, as card carrying non-American's be grateful for in our respective countries?
Well, rather than waste time blathering on, here is my top ten top exports from America, without which the world would be on it's knees begging for Armageddon to strike and relieve us all of our never ending misery.
10 – Hip Hop/Rap Music – Yes, without this amazing form of musical expression, the world would be a very sad place. I mean, can you imagine living in a world where you could walk down the street and NOT see a teenage white boy pretending to be a twenty year old black gang-banger?
A world where we didn't get to see the butt-cracks of all those skinny kids who just know dat dey is de coolest kids on de block, man!
9 – Language – Ah, the beauty and simplicity of the American language. And it is so kind of you to allow us people from lesser nations to practice our own dialects of your glorious native tongue. Yes, we do occasionally make mistakes with our spelling of certain words, and you would think after all these years we would be able to get it right by now.
Yet the patience your wonderful country shows to your loyal subjects knows no bounds, and for that we are truly grateful, and will forever salute the colours of your flag!
8 – Video Games – Truly, how did we survive before the invention of the glorious video game console? You can be sure, life was much more stressful for people back in those dark, pre-computer days. Children were forced to do horrific things just to entertain themselves.
These included exercise, and reading, playing with friends, usually just five or six real ones, as opposed to the average 7,483 on-line friends that we all have today. Yes, our lives are much more rounded now that our children never have to leave home for anything except school.
7 – Healthy Eating – Again, I think back to the dark days of before. Those times when our parents tried to insist that we eat a calorie controlled, well balanced diet. But then, salvation came in the shape of two Golden Arches, and they were soon followed by other pioneers of a similar ilk, such as the pizza.
Often imitated, but yet always managing to keep their stale product ahead of the competition, those Golden Arches have managed to infiltrate even the sleepiest of sleepy backwaters around the world, allowing us all to delight in the pure heaven of re-heated cardboard!
6 – Beer – Beer, beer, glorious beer. Such a wonderful product, brewed for centuries around the world. And then America came along, and taught everyone something we had forgotten about beer. Sometimes, when given a choice between drinking a beer and staying sober, sobriety is the better option.
Were it not for American beer, this important lesson would have been lost in the annals of our history, but, thanks to your wonderful nation, we can rejoice in the knowledge that we shall always know when it is time to say NO to drinking beer!
5 – Equality – America has for decades been world leaders in the promotion of equality for all people. They were the first nation to recognise the bravery of their black brethren, and allow them the honour of being the first troops to attack the enemy in war-time situations.
Indeed, so proud is America of the wonderful fighting skills of their African American heroes, they go to great lengths to house them in special areas where they can become trained in the use of guns at a young age.
The best of these are rapidly recruited into the military, as the government recognises that here, truly, are the best fighters in the land. Without these brave men standing side by side with the occasional white boy college graduate, America's ideals would have been lost long ago.
We must also remember that were it not for America taking a stand and leading the way for so many generations, black people around the world would have to use different bathrooms and sit in specific seats on the bus, as well as having to go to their own special schools, where no doubt they would continue to be trained in the finer arts of making Hip-Hop music and shooting one another.
4 – Gay Rights – Lest we forget, America also has a wonderful attitude towards gay people. Again, like black people, they are allowed to fight in the military, unlike in many nations around the world. The American military even insists that they keep their homosexuality secret from their colleagues, in order that they can protect themselves from any red-neck homophobe that may have accidentally made it through the selection process.
And not for America the silly notion that gay people should get married and be able to raise children like everyone else, even black people! No, America realises that these people need to be offered their own little condo's, away from everyone else, where they can fornicate and get AIDS to their hearts content!
3 – A World Economy – The American banks are truly the greatest in the world. Their ability to continually perpetuate debt is totally astounding, and something that governments around the world have encouraged their own bankers to copy, with amazingly successful results.
Without the American banks making the investments they have over the years, people around the world now would be living in peace and harmony, knowing that everything in their home, and including their home, was well within their budget.
But America realised much earlier than the rest of the world that this would lead to unhappiness, that Mr Jones looking across the way to see that Mr Smith had a new car would wish to emulate him, and so devised a wise and cunning plan to give everybody what they wanted.
For a short period of time. And then take it all back again when they reneged on their payments. Only in this way can people truly understand the value of what they already have.
2 – Strong Leadership – The world watched in awe at the magnificence of George W Bush, and every nation wished for a leader as committed, as articulate, and as forgiving as the one America had. We were amazed at his ability to always know exactly who was in the wrong at any given time, regardless of where in the world the wrong-doing may have been taking place.
Without him, the world would have been over-run by towel-head terrorists many years ago, and this would have been typed in Arabic, which anyone can tell you is an exceedingly difficult language to type in.
Truly, we the people of the rest of the world, are in permanent debt to your glorious and inspiring former leader.
1 – Democracy – Where would the world be without the democracy that America has so actively promoted in recent years? Without evil dictators being over-thrown, in order that puppets may be put in their place, there would surely be wars and conflicts taking place in many parts of the world right now.
We can only hope that one day the Palestinian, Afghan, and Iraqi people will see sense, and come to accept that their recent neighbours/liberators are truly now their new rulers. Once this is achieved, we can finally have peace in our time.