A/N: This is yet another paper I had to right for an English class. I don't really have a good reason for posting it, other than my English teacher told me too. If you want to, feel free to read and review, and see if you can pick out the irony. ;-)

The Kingdom of Séhcilcon

His horse gleamed silver in the half-light of the setting sun, his eyes sparkled like sapphire stars set in an ebony sky, and a flawless cap of golden hair covered his air-filled head.

"Hail, fair people!" the man shouted, jumping off his horse. "I am the Hero who has to come to rescue you!"

The four peasants looked up from their work with weary expressions.

"Save us from what?" one asked, his voice saturated with skepticism.

The Hero gave a hearty laugh. "Why, the Evil Villain who rules over you, of course!"

"We don't really need saved…" another peasant said, not even bothering to look up from the mud he plowed.

"Hahaha, aren't you a smart one! You can be my smart Sidekick!"

The lone woman in the group stood up, dusting the dirt from her skirt as she straightened. "Hold up a moment-"

"Aha!" the Hero shouted, grabbing the woman around the wait. "You can be my Love Interest!"

"What? No!" the woman exclaimed, pulling away from him.

"That's my wife!" the fourth man shouted, jumping between the Hero and the woman.

The Hero considered him seriously. "Well, you'll just have to be the Useless Sidekick Who Dies Tragically to Spur the Hero On."

"What?"

The Hero looked back to the first man. "And we need a Tech Genius. That'll be you."

The man looked frightened. "I know nothing about technology! I'm a peasant!"

The Hero guffawed. "Ah, you want to be a Modest Tech Genius! Well, if that's what you want. Come now, let us go unseat the evil dictator and save this beautiful Kingom of…" The Hero trailed off. "Umm…where exactly are we?"

"The Kingdom of Séhcilcon," answered the Smart Sidekick, rolling his eyes as he did.

"My, what a lovely name! Probably derived from a native word meaning 'bounteous land,' am I right?"

"No," said the Love Interest, "it means-"

"Hold up a minute," the Smart Sidekick interrupted. "All you've done is assign us cliché stock character roles!

The Hero grinned. "See, that's why you're the Smart Sidekick!"

"But how is that going to help us defeat the Evil Villain?"

"'Clichés are clichés because they work,'" the Hero quoted imperiously. "Now, come my loyal sidekicks! We must venture across the barren dessert, over the frozen mountains, and through the perilous jungle until we reach the fortress of the Evil Villain where we shall force him to atone for his crimes against the people of this fair country. The journey will be perilous, and fraught with danger. Most of us probably won't survive. But let not your courage falter, for it is up to us to go forth to the fortress of the Evil Villain and unseat the tyrant!"

With that inspirational spiel out of his system, the Hero set off with his unwilling sidekicks, dragging them along as necessary.

The five entered the castle soon after, much to the irritation of the Hero.

"No mountains, no tundra, no jungles," he grumbled. "What kind of kingdom is this?"

"An agricultural one," answered the Smart Sidekick. "And mountains, tundras, and jungles aren't practical for farming."

The Hero ignored the Smart Sidekick and his logic and instead pointed dramatically at the receptionist. "Look!" he whispered loudly, "it's the guardian of the castle! We'll have to answer her riddle correctly if we wish to proceed!"

The Love Interest's husband rolled his eyes. "She's not a guardian, she's a receptionist."

"She has three heads!" the Hero blundered on. "One smart head, one quick one, and one strong one! It's the smart one we have to outwit by answering her riddle!"

"She just has three heads! It's not a big deal," the Love Interest interrupted. "What are you, discriminatory towards three-headed people?"

The Hero shook his head disapprovingly. "Now now, don't you go trying to be Smart Sidekick, sweetheart; that position is already filled!" the Hero admonished, grabbing the Love Interest around the waist. "Speaking of…." He pointed to the Smart Sidekick. "You, go answer the guardian's riddle."

"LET GO OF MY WIFE!" the Love Interest's husband screamed as the Smart Sidekick walked over to the receptionist. The three heads glanced up.

"Name, purpose of visit, and time of appointment," the heads rattled off mechanically.

"Umm…"

"Do you have an appointment?"

"Umm…no."

The woman sighed, pulled out a small pistol, and shot the Smart Sidekick in the forehead. She calmly returned the gun to its drawer and then dialed a call.

"Security, we have intruders," she said. "And if you could send a janitor down…"

The Hero gasped. "Is there no end to his depravity?"

"It's not really depravity; no one likes it when people show up without appointments," the Tech Genius countered.

The Hero – characteristically – ignored this comment. "Hurry, we must flee!" He tugged his sidekicks along as they rushed past the receptionist down a long corridor. They paused at the corner and peered around.

"You, the Hero said, grabbing the Love Interest's husband, "you're going to run past them."

"What?" he hissed. "That's suicide!"

The Hero laughed. "Not to worry! Undoubtedly, they won't be able to hit the broadside of a barn! After all, the Evil Villain's henchmen never have even halfway decent aim!" He shoved the man out around the corner. The man tried to dash back but the Evil Villain's henchmen were quick. Two bullets punched through his head.

"No!" the Hero screamed dramatically. "How could they kill him? How could they kill the Useless Sidekick Who Dies Tragically to Spur the Hero on? He was so young!" He wiped away a tear.

"YOU GOT MY HUSBAND SHOT!" screeched the Love Interest, pouncing at the Hero in an attempt to strangle him. The Hero, misunderstanding her intentions, pulled her into an embrace, oblivious to her struggles.

"There there, my dear, it'll be alright," he comforted. "Come, we must not lose hope!" He hurried off in the opposite direction, dragging the hysterical woman with him.

They turned a corner and found themselves in the central control room, surrounded by henchman and computers.

"Quick!" the Hero shouted, throwing a gun to the Tech Genius. "Shoot the computers! They'll explode magnificently, setting off a chain reaction that will kill the guards and leave us miraculously unharmed!"

"No it won't! It'll –"

"Just do it!"

The Tech Genius obeyed and shot at the computers. One among the hundreds sputtered out with a few sparks.

The Hero seemed confused. "Why didn't they explode?"

The Tech Genius glared in reply. "Because of a piece highly advanced technology known as a surge protector," he replied sarcastically. "I told you that wouldn't work!"

"Aha! So you are a Tech Genius!"

At this moment, the Hero's ignorant inanity became too much for the Tech Genius who leapt upon him and attempted to throttle him. The Love Interest quickly joined in. The henchman remained stationary, obviously unsure of the proper course of action.

"What is this?" a cold voice said, halting the fighting.

The Hero looked up. "Aha! The Evil Villain! I – with the help of my loyal sidekicks – am here to defeat you!"

"So I see," said the Evil Villain, staring curiously at the two sidekicks who still strove to strangle the Hero. "Umm…my guards report that you had some trouble getting in?"

"Yes," the Hero pouted. "Nothing went how I thought it would! All the clichés were wrong!"

"Well, of course they were!" exclaimed the Evil Villain. "Hasn't anyone told you? This is the Kingdom of Séhcilcon – the Kingdom of No Clichés."

"Really?" the Hero said. "They told me that, but I was too busy playing the part of the cliché, arrogant hero to notice."

"Well, my boy, you know the truth now," said the Evil Villain. "And I see no reason why you can't return to the little town from whence you came and live happily ever after."

"Well, she wants to kill me because I got her husband killed, and he wants to kill me due to my debilitating idiocy," the Hero explained, motioning to each of his sidekicks in turn. "So I don't know how well the 'happily ever after bit' is going to work out."

"Well, that can be easily fixed," the Evil Villain said. He nodded to his guards, who promptly shot the sidekicks.

"Oh," the Hero said. "That was an easy solution."

"Yes," the Evil Villain said, smiling. "You're free to go now."

The Hero grinned and pranced to the door. The Evil Villain nodded again and the guards shot the Hero in the back.

The Evil Villain smirked wickedly. "Because the Hero living happily ever after would have been so cliché."