What had I done?
The question swirled repeatedly in my mind as I clutched the blanket around myself. Not only had I lost my virginity, but I had lost it to a guy who barely knew I existed. I lost it to a guy who probably wouldn't remember… who wouldn't even want to remember. I mean, who would want to admit that they had sex with their girlfriend's younger sister?
Tears stung my eyes as I bit my lip. I never even had a boyfriend, never gone on a date, never even had a real first kiss. And now I couldn't even accept my first time. I couldn't talk about it with my older sister, although this was basically the moment we had been waiting for. We had always gushed about her flings and for once I would have finally been able to return the favor - you know, if I hadn't screwed it up by screwing her own boyfriend. Now, all I could do was think about throwing myself off a cliff. From now on, there would always be this weight on my shoulder. I'd have to learn to pretend like nothing happened; pretend that I was still the same girl she could love and trust.
I sighed as a numbness began to spread within me.
A knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts. Alice poked her head in, before slowly stepping inside.
My heart began to pound. Would she see the guilt written clearly on my face? Would she be able to figure it all out?
"Hey Cam," she smiled.
"Hey Alice," I responded meekly as I sat up.
The bed dipped below her weight as she sat on the bed. "Well I'm feeling much better. How are you? How was the party?"
Again, I heard her unasked question. She wanted to know about him- as always. "The party was lame," I answered and offered nothing more. Well it wasn't completely a lie.
Alice furrowed her brows, dissatisfied with my response. "Come on Camille. You know what I wanna hear."
I blinked and remained silent.
She sighed, exasperated. "Were there any sluts throwing themselves at him?"
I bit down on the inside of my cheek hard as I tried to remain expressionless. "You know you should really start trusting your boyfriend Ally. "
She chuckled as she lightly smacked me on the arm. "Just answer the question Cam."
I glared slightly at her as I rubbed my arm. "Well it's Jace. Of course girls were throwing themselves at him."
Alice grimaced and I quickly continued. "But you know he's only got eyes for you and all that other Hallmark crap and so of course he turned them down." Okay that one was definitely a lie.
Alice laughed in relief. "Okay good. And I'm glad you still enjoyed yourself Cam." Not what I had said, but just like Alice to pretend otherwise.
"Yeah well I'd rather have just stayed home and watched iZombie." I was surprised by how normal I still sounded. Maybe I could do this whole pretending thing after all.
Alice shook her head. "You need to get out more sis. Anyway, Jace is coming over later today so I can hear all about his little 'get-together' from him."
I blanched. "Oh. I'm sure that'll be fun. Are you guys going to be staying here the entire time?" I asked, albeit a bit harsher than I planned.
"Oh stop it Cam. I know that you're not his biggest fan, but he's actually a nice guy if you'd ever give him a chance and just you know, get to know him."
I cringed at her words. Unfortunately, I got to know him too well. " Are you trying to tell me that mr. popular, rich snob can't handle not having everyone fall at his feet?" I mocked and Alice glared at me.
I scoffed. "Well tough luck." I knew I was being harsher than usual, but I had to be. I couldn't have Alice suspecting anything.
"Cammy!" Alice cried. "Don't be such a bitch. What's going on with you? Are you on your period or something?"
I pursed my lips. Well that was offensive. Why couldn't a girl speak her mind without being asked if Mother Nature paid her a visit? Although the truth was… I was just playing a game I didn't know the rules to and failing. And honestly if Alice stayed any longer I soon wouldn't be able to stop myself from telling her everything.
I had to get her out.
"I have a lot of homework to do Alice," I said changing the subject, "So, enjoy your date".
"Camille don't be like this," Alice whined, realizing that I was kicking her out.
I sighed. "I'm sorry Alice. I'm just not in the best mood right now, okay?" I balled my fist as I tried to keep the tears away. My emotions were starting to spiral and I didn't know how much longer I could keep up this charade.
Alice pulled me into a hug and whispered, "You know I'm here if you need to talk about anything." Her sincerity tore at me. If only I could tell her what happened and she wouldn't hate me for it.
I returned the hug as I nodded. As soon as she left, I buried my face into my pillow. How long could I actually keep this up, I wondered again.
I thought about calling Chanelle and telling her. I even thought about telling Alex, my other best friend since pre-school. We knew almost everything about each other. But I wasn't sure how he would respond to this. He hated Jace more than anyone I knew, which I figured stemmed from his lifelong crush on Alice. But what would I really say to them? I didn't want to feel any more regret than I already did. I sighed as I realized I wasn't ready to talk about it. Not yet, anyway.
Soon my thoughts became distracted with the idea of seeing Jace. I realized I wanted, no needed to see him again. I needed to know if he remembered what happened. I needed to know if he would acknowledge it. It was a stupid wishful thought, but a part of me needed to know that it meant something to him.
But I knew better. Even if he did recall the whole thing, we could never speak about it. It would have to be as if it as if it never happened. I would just have to learn to forget it all.
The doorbell rang throughout the house. My heart pounded as my palms sweated.
He was here.
"Cammy can you get that," Alice yelled from the bathroom.
Was I ready for this?
No. It was too soon. "Alice, I'm busy, why can't you get it?" I shouted back. I couldn't face him yet.
"I'm still getting ready. Please Cam!"
I sighed. If I whined too much over this, she would probably start to become suspicious and so I gave in. "Alright fine!" I yelled back.
Well I guess it was better to just get it over with now anyway -kinda like ripping a band-aid off a wound type of thing. I padded slowly down the stairs, adrenaline pumping harder through my veins with each step.
I could do this.
Just play it cool.
I pulled open the door. There he was. In a split second, I took in his black wavy hair, his dark grey eyes, those soft lips, that muscular chest hidden beneath his navy blue shirt and if my eyes continued down, I'd find the source of the current discomfort between my legs…. Stop it Camille.
I quickly cleared my throat.
"Hey Jace," I greeted casually as he stared intensely at me. "Make yourself at home," I said as I began turning away.
His stare alone was unnerving. I had to get far from him.
"Camille," he breathed and I halted.
The guilt weighed so heavily in his voice.
It made my stomach fall. I blinked back the tears as my nails dug into the palm of my hand.
I could do this.
I plastered a fake smile on to my lips as I turned back to face him. "We have cookies on the counter. Why don't you go help yourself to one." That's it. All I had to do was keep this up and he'd get the hint to play along.
He seemed surprised by my response. Maybe he had expected a breakdown of some kind? Well he wasn't going to get one from me- no matter how badly I actually wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry.
"We need to talk," he said. His grey eyes bore into me. He could see what I was doing and he wasn't amused. He wasn't interested in playing along.
I looked away. "I have nothing to say to you Jace." I glanced back at his face. "Well, except to tell you that your party sucked." Internally I cringed at the reference I had made.
He chuckled dryly. "It's usually much better, trust me."
I crossed my arms as I heard the possible double meaning behind his words. "Well I don't think I'll be attending another one so I guess I'll just have to hear all about them through the daily gossip at school. After all, that is the best part of my day you know," I said sarcastically and a small smile graced his lips, which made my heart leap.
Mentally, I grimaced. Stupid crush.
"Anyway-" I stopped speaking as his hand grasped mine. A tingling sensation shot through me from his touch.
"Stop avoiding this Camille," he began.
"Jace," Alice called, interrupting him, as she came down the stairs.
Jace quickly let go of my hand but not before he sent me an expression that said this-isn't-over. I shook my head, trying to convey that that wasn't the best idea.
Alice ran up to him and planted a full kiss on his lips. I had to stop myself from gagging. She giggled as she pulled away. "I hope Camille didn't say anything too horrible…you know how she can be sometimes," she teased.
"Bite me Ally," I retorted as I crossed my arms.
Alice blew me a kiss. "Love you Cam!" she said chirpily.
Seeing the short, summer, blue dress she was wearing I asked, "Are you guys going out?"
"Yeah I decided to give you the house for the rest of the day, since you were in such a bad mood and all. Besides I'm sure you don't want to hear me drilling my boyfriend about what happened at his little party."
I looked up at Jace and his eyes locked with mine. There was an unspoken message that passed between us. I knew he wouldn't say anything to her about what had happened.
I should've felt relieved, but instead I just felt dirty.
Jace quickly placed another kiss on her lips and this time I was sure I would throw up. After he pulled away, he said, "Well not much to say. According to Camille, it sucked. End of story," he said coolly. Then he placed a small kiss on her forehead "I'm just glad you're feeling better babe."
Alice blushed at his seemingly caring gesture, but I knew it was just to change the topic. Regardless I was tired of watching the gag fest. "Well off you go you disgusting love-birds," I said as I rolled my eyes. Then I turned to Alice. "Just bring me back a pretzel or something will you."
She nodded before pulling me into a tight hug. My eyes locked once again with his. Jace's expression was indecipherable but his jaw was clenched. He was clearly unhappy with something. Maybe our conversation didn't go as expected?
After I watched them hop into his silver Porsche, I closed the door. I frowned at his car. How typical.
I laid my forehead against the cold surface of the door. I had survived our first encounter, but I realized now that he wasn't going to give up so easily.
Why couldn't he just let it go? Couldn't he see that nothing good could come from even talking about it?
However, the delusional side of me was squealing at the thought that perhaps it had meant something to him after all. I sighed as I shook my head, disgusted. If only I could break Cupid's stupid bow and arrow.
A vibration in my pocket alerted me to my ringing phone. Chanelle's picture flashed across the screen.
"Hey Nelly," I said sourly. I wasn't fully over her abandoning me. But still, she was my best friend and I could never stay mad at her for long.
"Have you talked to Alice?" she said, sounding grave.
I blanched. Why was she asking? "Yeah. She's fine. Did something happen?" I asked hesitantly.
"You won't believe this, but Jace hooked up with some girl at his party last night."
My heart stopped.
Ignoring my silence she continued. "And it gets better. Apparently, there are pictures."
"Pictures?" I whispered.
"Yup," she responded. "And they're going to put them up all over school tomorrow."