Today was Spirit Day.

However, I guess we're the only ones celebrating the day except for a small few. It's ironic how Anthony Stockdale, a gay guy that graduated last year, had left us in our time of need. He was making a difference for the LGBT community by making t-shirts and pins on Silence Day last spring. He would make speeches in the middle of lunch to spread awareness of what was going on. We had heeded his words and spread it throughout the school. We were like his followers and he was our preacher. We held hands, we stayed silent, we helped him sell the shirts and pins, and spoke of his wise words against discrimination. We didn't get the kindest responses, but we knew we made an impact or at least I thought. However, a recent suicide had occurred inside this very school, which had me questioning: Were our efforts in vain?

We were sitting in the cafeteria because we didn't want to wait for school to start outside in the cold autumn morning. It has been a week and a half since Adam and Ethan were absent. The only difference was that one of them came back. This wasn't startling, but it felt weird just seeing Ethan by himself entering the lunchroom. It was more than weird knowing that his brother wouldn't be accompanying him ever again for Adam Bailey had taken his own life. He was found in the boys locker-room with a deep cut on his wrist and a box cutter in his other hand. His body was against the wall of one of the shower stalls. Ethan had always talked about how Adam had given up showers for baths. Maybe this is why. He believed his sexuality or better yet, everything about him was dirt that was supposed to be cleansed, and he felt as though his entire body was covered in thick sinful layers of it.

No one knew about the cruelty and taunts that were eating away at Adam's will. He was decaying before our eyes and we were blind to it. Regret was still haunting us, but we weren't consumed by it. It's what Adam would have wanted. He didn't want us to live in penance because of our guilt. We were doing whatever we could to get by. From the empty seat to his vacant locker Adam made his marks before he descended into heaven. I wasn't religious. I wasn't sure of what to believe in, but I did believe that there was a better place than here. Actually, he left behind more than just used items. He left a mark on our hearts. I didn't want to think of his death as something destructive and brutal, but it wasn't calm and predictable either. He ripped himself off this earth at the age of seventeen without a warning. Too soon. Too blunt.

But really, the one who was taking it the hardest out of all of us was Ethan. He disappeared into the crowd instead of joining us. It was like watching a ghost. I knew today was spirit day, but that didn't mean you had to act like one. When he came back the whole day he danced behind a mask of smiles and laughter when deep down all he wanted to do was join his brother. I could see the pain he was trying to conceal. By the end of the day, his mask was beginning to crack. I found him by his locker after school and I felt hesitant on asking this question, but I had to. "Are you alright?"

"What are you talking about? I'm fine." He responded with a tight smile, but the sleeve of his purple hoodie that had a wrist band securing the fabric around his arm proved otherwise. I looked up at him before he caught my suspicious gaze.

"No, Ethan, you're not okay. This whole day, you looked like you were struggling to be happy."

He bit onto his thin lip as he looked down at his shoes before facing me again, "Every day I'm struggling."

We spoke for a while and I had informed him of the memorial service that was being held for his brother. "We're already encased in purple. I don't see why it's necessary to have one." He nearly growled at the thought, "I.. I just don't want to be reminded of what could have been. It's too painful."

"Ethan.. Adam wouldn't want to see you like this. He would never want to be the cause of pain for you." I said as my hand rested upon his shoulder and squeezed his flesh with comfort, "If you come, you won't be disappointing him. We have to do what can to show him we care. We have to be the few that keep his memory alive. Suicide was his choice, but getting tormented was not. Adam was more than just some statistic. He was a friend, a brother, but all around—A great.. No, he was an amazing person." I felt tears swelling up at my own words as images of Adam came to mind. I was pushing him in the back of my mind, but I'm now remembering the reason why we chose to hold a memorial service in the first place.

Our friends came up to us and were holding a large collage, two backpacks full of candles and carnations, and ribbons looped around their wrists. "Are you going to join us tonight?"

Just when I thought my words didn't get through him he smiled and said, "It's at the beach right?"

Our crusade wasn't going to stop. Yes, I wish I could do more than just make speeches in a small high school that was crammed with ignorant and judgmental bastards, but I'm doing what I can to show my support for equality and to honor the people that have lost the battle against this discriminate world. When I saw the cuts on Ethan's wrist that night, it was like I was given a second chance. I was going to prevent another friend adding to the count. We had sent special candles and flowers floating on the dark ocean waters like they were paper boats. The flames were like buds of light leading the flowers away from the land. I can imagine that's how souls look like when they go to heaven.

Adam Bailey

1992 – Forever

Adam might have left the earth, but he didn't leave our hearts.