She runs her hands over it. Feels the smooth black handle, the cool silver metal. Closes her eyes and thinks. Coolly considers. Does she really want this?

Yes.

She studies the blade more closely, watches the light reflect off it. She tries to feel something, anything- a last attempt. Regret, fear, excitement, relief. Nothing.

I want to feel whole.

She's felt empty for so long. It started with little things- and then one day she realized she didn't like herself. That she wasn't a person worth knowing. And even as she tried to change, things piled up. She couldn't. There was so much pressure. So much to think about, so much she must do. So many thoughts crowding her mind.

And yet she felt empty.

She used to have hope- but as time went on, she realized that was all she had. She used to want so much more. But time and again she was disappointed. Again and again and again. And slowly she began to lose hope- to lose feeling.

What is the point of hoping if it hurts you in the end?

Once hope went, it wasn't a far drop from losing everything else. First her "bad" emotions faded, and then the "good" ones disappeared as well. After all, light and love and dreams cannot exist without doom and nightmares and darkness.

And she was left with an empty shell.

She thought about leaving; sometimes she actually did. But it never helped. The emptiness followed her. She couldn't run from herself. And still she felt nothing.

Then she began to wonder if there was really anything inside of her. The more she wondered, the more urgent her need to find out became. She fixated on it, on the idea of her flowing out. Maybe then she would look as empty as she felt. (She doesn't realize she already does.) Her thoughts dwelled on that; she dreamt of it, obsessed over it. Soon enough, all her thoughts (waking and otherwise) centered around this one idea.

She doesn't take a deep breath. She doesn't close her eyes. She watches as the silver moonlight slides across her wrists. As she flows out of herself. She doesn't feel any pain- absolutely none. Instead, finally, she feels. Relief, she feels. Whole. Her eyes drift shut. This moment spans lifetimes- stars and born and die, worlds collapse and are born again, in this moment. So beautiful. So wonderful. Finally. As her last breath slips from her, the first true smile in months graces her face gently. That same face lights up with emotion- true emotion as she too, slips away.

A/N So I haven't written anything in a while in between this and the last thing, and I think I need to write at least a little bit to keep my head on straight. SO. I'm thinking about turning this into a full story- tell me what you think?

Copyright 2010