28I know your secret
I know your secret.
I peer down at my computer, quirking up an eyebrow. Someone's been on my computer while I've been in the bathroom. I wasn't even gone that long. I was gone like, a minute. Maybe even less than that.
Turning from my computer I scan around the room, trying to spot someone who'd actually do something this weird. I mean, I wouldn't put it past me. But the people in my school are unimaginative creatures at best.
Especially the ones in my private study class; they actually look like they're studying. Or maybe they're just trying to cover up for the fact that they're a really weird person who likes opening up word documents on other people's computers and typing creepy messages.
I know your secret. Very original.
"Autumn," I look up to see Lanie, holding up my phone and waving it at me, "you left your phone in the bathroom, you tool, what were you even doing with it? I heard noises."
I was making faces in the mirror, Lanie, and then some of the more athletic – which is generally synonymous with 'arrogant bitch' at my school – girls walked in and made some really weird faces of their own, only theirs were somewhat repulsed.
And then I walked out of the room before I had to deal with them, forgetting my phone and leaving it on the sink next to the hand sanitiser. I'm really surprised they didn't do anything with it. Only I'm not sure they'd want to, due to the germs and diseases I don't really have.
"Oops, must have forgot," I give her the short answer.
"Oh, stupid," she rolls her eyes good-naturally and pulls up her chair, sitting down and sliding my phone back over to me with a sigh, "you also bumped it into the bin."
I guess the athletically gifted put aside my germs.
"Guess what, Tom," Lanie drops her head in her hands, calling me 'Tom' as the last syllable in 'Autumn'. "I might have another date with that guy."
"What guy?" I look at her curiously, smiling.
"Hale, the one in the music class that you're crap at –" My lips tighten and I stare at her in disbelief. She notices this and smiles gently, leaning over to pat my hand. "It's okay, the screeching of your violin really isn't that bad."
I open my mouth to say something, guilt bubbling up in my chest. She just holds her hand up, mouthing stop and laughing at me, but she doesn't even know...
She doesn't even know.
"I know what you're going to say, but honey?" Lanie's eyes crinkle as she smiles at me. "Just because that guy said your flute killed fairies, doesn't make it true. I think you just need a little more practice – maybe Hale has a friend, you know? We can double."
I sit back in my chair, forcing a smile on my lips and nodding, beginning to feel nauseous.
Double with Lanie and Hale? Stick a knife in me, and twist.
I know your secret the computer screams at me in big, bold text.
Like hell they do, no one does.
"Are you okay?" Lanie stops talking about how funny he is in her drama class, and how his portrayal of Adonis was so 'mega-hot'. I know it was. "Is it because I'm talking about Hale so much? I'm sorry, it's got to be boring, right? I just like him so much."
"Oh, yeah?" I feign laughter, glancing down at the message on my screen and gulping. "Well that's – that's great, Lane. I'm so happy you found someone who was so…perfect…for you."
"Aw," She squeezes my hand and her eyes are full of so much love, hope and trust – I bring my hand to my mouth, looking towards the bathroom again. I think I'm going to be sick. I just spewed a bit in my mouth. "I don't know what I'd do without a friend like you, Tommy."
I shake my head meekly at her; she has no idea what she's saying because if she did, she wouldn't be saying it. Not if she knew. Not if she knew what I did.
"I'm pretty sure you'd be fine," I assure her.
I'm pretty sure she'd be better off. Clicking out of the word document, nodding periodically as she starts ardently denying my claim, I open a new one and start to fill it with every curse word I know...
None are bad enough to describe me.
XOXO
"Someone printed off pages and pages of the 'f' word to the school staff room," Lanie snorts, causing me to stop mid sip and start hacking water all over my English book, "the teachers were so mad they're getting one of the IT teachers to figure out what account it was printed out on; they're going to be in so much shit."
I look over to the door, and back to her, wide-eyed.
"You're kidding me?" I wipe my neck free of the water dribbling down it and pat down the wet spots on my tee. "You're making this up, aren't you? That can't have happened."
"Oh, it did," she laughs, rolling her eyes, "but I know what you mean; teachers really are too sensitive, I mean who doesn't swear these days?"
She goes back to doing her work and I feel a wave of dread wash over me – someone printed off pages and pages of the 'f' word? I drop into my arms with a moan, wanting to smash my head against the table a couple of times…you know, until I get brain damage, and don't remember anything about it.
But it wasn't like I meant to do it, the computer froze and I clicked too many buttons and before I knew it, hey presto. A colossal accident much like my entire existence.
"Hey, Autumn," Lanie nudges me in the ribs with an elbow, "I forgot my eraser."
I open up my pencil case and blink as a flood of photos pours out. My eyes widen, oh no, they're not just any photos – they're photos from the dance. Photos of me and Hale, kissing; photos of me betraying my friend.
I turn an eye to Lanie but she's not looking. I begin to shove all of the pictures back into my pencil; becoming frustrated when the more I push in the more that seem intent on coming right back out.
Hale's face stares up at me a million times, accusingly, and in a panic I start to rush, rushing to get them in before Lanie can look down and see them, scattered about my desk. See and start to wonder what's going on, but nothing is going on.
I press my fist into my pencil case, trying to pummel them in; it's gone, it's past and I'll be damned if I let it happen again.
"What are you doing?" She wants to know.
I zip up my pencil case and feign a smile, shrugging my shoulders, "Sorry, my eraser isn't in there today."
"Oh, okay," she looks disappointed for a second before she calls to a girl from another table, Zoe Ackerman, and asks her for her eraser. Something which Zoe wilfully surrenders and with a smile to boot, if only my problems were that easy to solve…
I look to the pencil case and gulp, closing my eyes and trying to shake the images that are beginning to fill my mind; the images from the school dance night of hell, the one where she was supposed to be her date, the dance he didn't go to her with...
The dance he didn't go to her with because he wanted to go with me.
I look away and out the window, not really interested in my English homework when I'm in such a crappy mood – poetry analysis, for the lose – but am surprised to see someone standing outside of it, his hands and face pressing up against the glass.
Hale, and his steel blue eyes are looking right into mine, eyebrows raising suggestively.
My heart skips an involuntary beat and I set my jaw, raising my eyebrows right back as in what do you want? He keeps on grinning, not oblivious about my expression's meaning but choosing to ignore it.
I love you he mouths against the window, getting his saliva all over the glass and fogging it up at the same time. I bite my lip and am about to look back to my work when Lanie sucks in her breath and squeals excitedly, grabbing me by my shirt sleeve.
"He just said he loved me," She laughs, tugging on my sleeve. "He's so cute, he's joking but so cute."
I look at her and smile weakly as she giggles at me, eyes begging for me to be excited for her. But how can I be? I may have met him first and fallen for him first, but she kissed him first. She's the one who indirectly called dibs and I can't do anything about it.
Even if he's making faces at me and not her, it doesn't make it okay that I want him to. It doesn't make it okay to do something I knew would hurt my friend's feelings and then lie about it, maybe not directly –
But I'm lying about it.
Lanie sighs in disappointment and I follow her gaze, watching as he walks away and back to whatever class he has. I know exactly how she feels.
I wish I didn't.
XOXO
I swipe the picture from the front of my locker, mortified, and turn to see if she's seen it – from the incredulous look on her face, she has. Lanie's eyes have gone wide and her eyebrows high, her finger held up and pointing where the picture used to be.
"That was a picture of Hale," she says, confidently, pointing at my locker like it's the devil. "There was a picture of him right there. A drawn one. In your style."
I feign a smile, raising my eyebrows and looking at the locker and back to her, "No it wasn't., why would I be drawing a picture of Hale? I'm not the one who likes him."
I'm the one that likes him more.
Lanie bites her lip, thinking, questioning her memory now that more than a few seconds had past since she'd seen the picture. Had she been mistaking it for something that it wasn't? Maybe because her thoughts were all of him lately she'd just imagined it.
I anticipate that these are the thoughts she's thinking and turn my eyes back to my locker, bringing my key out of my pocket and spinning it around a finger, waiting for her to decide. I really don't want to have this conversation with her right now, if ever.
"Okay," she shrugs and opens her locker with a smile, shaking her head, "yeah, of course. It's weird people are sticking pictures on your locker though."
"Yeah," I agree, sticking my key in the lock and twisting, frowning at the though that someone's going around – a someone obviously knows about what's gone on between Hale and I – and sticking reminders wherever they can, "that is definitely something I can agree with."
My locker clicks open and stars start rushing out of my locker like the pictures in my pencil case and I'm helpless, unable to hide this from Lanie.
I stare down at the white, pink and red stars around my feet and clutch my necklace, a necklace with matching stars – stars that had come from the valentines day dance, stars that Hale had laminated and strung along a piece of string and given to me.
"Holy crap," Lanie exclaims with wide eyes, kicking the stars away from her feet and bending over to inspect them, "stars from the Valentines Day dance? Somebody has a thing for you, Autumn."
I bite my lip and look down at the necklace, tucking it underneath my shirt before she can notice it. Okay, who even knew about the stupid necklace and the spring dance? Had someone seen us kissing? Even still, why would they do this?
I look around the locker hall, as if the person who'd do this would stick around – but I'm unable to differentiate between the people in here, they're just people from my year level. None of them have ever displayed an extraordinary amount of interest in my love life.
Grabbing my books and shaking some stars from my shirt and shorts, I close my locker and follow after Lanie who's skipping excitedly down the hall; she's singing a song about the stars that'd fallen out of my locker and how someone, somewhere, had seen me in my strapless cherry red dress at the dance…
And was falling madly in love with me because of it.
"Oh, the red, pink and white stars she played with at the dance," she almost shouts, ignoring any strange looks she gets as she skips along "oh that long, cherry red strapless dress!"
Her syllable count is way off and I shake my head, bringing my fingers to my temples and rubbing, faintly amused but amusement overpowered by the knots beginning to twist tighter and tighter in my stomach.
Who was doing this to me – and why?
XOXO
Sprawled across the sick bay bed, having been unable to cope with algebra and Mrs Hanigan's grating, nagging voice, I twitch when I hear the sick bay door open. Someone with steps that thump far too loud to be the delicate school nurse walks in.
Walks in and starts walking right towards my bed, resting their hands against the frame around it. I'm about to open my eyes when the frames creak and a rush of air blows the sheet up slightly – whoever is by my bedside is leaning over, and close.
I grip the sides of the bed and shiver when I feel their breathe pluming into my bare skin, lifting my chocolate brown hair and blowing it into my face.
A hand comes down and rearranges it, brushing it back and tucking it behind my ear.
Who in God's name is this person?
I want to open my eyes to see them, slap them in the face. 'Cause they have another think coming if they think they can get creepy with me and get away with it. I mean, writing messages on my computer screen? Okay. But following me into the sick bay and messing with me while I'm presumably asleep?
Nu-uh, no way. The only thing that's stopping me from stopping them is seeing how far they'll go, something which I'm not sure is a very good idea but can't help but pursue. Hands stray from the frame and land either side of me, and my heart skips a beat.
Who's doing this?
Seconds later lips are pressing against my own and I make a noise, hands flying up to push them away and just as I open my eyes to see who it is they catch my hands with one of theirs and cover my eyes with the other. I'm blinded and I can't move.
"Don't open your eyes," the person says with a put on accent – they're obviously a male, but they're making their voice almost impossibly high pitched. I can't figure out who it is. "I'm going to put a note on the table beside you and you're going to read it."
He presses his lips to mine once more, gently, almost lovingly. He pulls away before I can respond and runs out of the room before I can see who he is.
All I get is the white sick bay door slamming down with a crash in his wake, and the nurse walks in from the other room, the room where all of the medicine and nurse related objects are. She furrows her brows and looks at me bemusedly, running a hair through her blonde hair and smoothing any bits down that have escaped from her bun.
"Was someone just in here?" She wanted to know, and I look at her badge to see what her name is. Natalie Palmer. "Whoever they are if they come in again, tell them not to slam the door like that. Who was it?"
"I don't know Natalie," I shrug, shaking my head at the white door in wonder and wiping my palm across my lips in attempts to erase whatever trace he's left. "I really wish I did if that makes you feel any better. I really wish I did."
"Right," she smiles, freezing in stroking her hair. "Call me Mrs. Palmer, Autumn."
She walks back into her office and I sigh, yet another person wanting an impersonal relationship with me. Most of my year level is like that too. I wish that guy wanted one.
What did he say about putting a note on the table?
I turn to the table and sure enough, there one is. I pick it up only to find it's folded a few million times with a big, yellow smiley face on the face of it. Enjoy it tells me. , whoever folded up this piece of paper is an annoying jerk.
Biting my lip and turning it around in my hands, I wonder whether I should open it up and have a look. I mean they're only going to keep doing stupid things either way.
Several minutes later after finally unfolding the last fold, I spread it out in front of me.
Hey, wnt to lok at me wand? Is so big tat u cood adava kedavra urself and die happy woman. Meet me. Ur English class. After skool. ILY BBY. Xoxoxo
I wince and then realise he's written more.
Just kidding. I can spell. I know how that turns you on.
I snort incredulously, raising my eyebrows at the note.
Meet me in your English class though! MWAH
I fold the note back some of the way and stick it in my shorts pocket, looking up at the ceiling and shaking my head. Like hell I'm going. With my luck it'll be the janitor – or some equivalent, seeing as I don't even think we have a 'janitor' and I think we call them 'cleaners' – and he'll hack out my brains with a souped up toilet brush.
Whoever they are they're going to be sorely disappointed.
XOXO
A football crashes into my head and I fall to my knees in incredulity, looking around but knowing who's sent it my way. Lanie. She's been bitchy to me for the entirety of PE, like she's angry at me or something and every time I ask if she's okay, she says she's fine.
But fine my freaking ass, she's thrown enough balls at me that I'm sure by the end of the lesson I'll be a walking bruise. I bring a hand to where the ball hit and begin to massage it, hearing her steps coming closer and picking up the ball with my free hand, deciding to keep it away from her for a while.
Two pale pink pairs of Converse enter my vision and I look up to see Lanie adjusting her pony tail, her smile sweet and fake, "I'm sorry, must have slipped."
"Oh yeah?" I inquire, pretending to believe her. "Being a bit clumsy today aren't you Lanie?"
Her hands drop from her hair and she glares at me, "Are you serious, Autumn?"
I stare at her, not really knowing what to say – not knowing what she wants me to say. I'm not even sure what's wrong and she's looking at me like she's waiting, like she's expecting something from me. I honestly don't know what that is.
She brings her hands to her fringe and tugs, sucking in her breath and hissing it back out exasperatedly, like she's an angry cat. "I don't know whether you're playing dumb or whether you just are."
"Just are what?" I blink, tilting my head.
"Dumb," she hisses, throwing her hands up in the air, "oblivious, stupid; I saw him going into the sick bay not too long after you went in. I was going to the bathroom and I saw you both."
I widen my eyes, she saw him? Who did she even see? I didn't even see him and it must be someone she both knows and likes otherwise she wouldn't be so angry, unless she's just angry that I've been seeing someone – without the technicality of say, oh, actually seeing them – without her knowledge.
"Stop it," she points at my face, her hands shaking, "stop looking like you don't know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about. I can't believe I believed you about that picture and just what came out of your pencil case this morning?"
Oh my God it was Hale? Hale was in the sick bay? He was the one kissing me?
"What do you mean Hale was in the sick bay?" I want to know.
"He went into the sick bay," she flicks her hands in the air carelessly, eyes going wide as she shrugs her shoulders dramatically, "and then came out a few minutes later. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what went on in there."
"What, really?" I dodge the question, squirming uncomfortable and getting to my feet. "You think we were doing something? Don't be silly, Lane. I was sick."
"Is that the truth?" She asks, not sounding like she believes me and starting to make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. "Is that really all it was, you were sick and he just coincidentally happened to go on in there just like it was coincidence that that picture on your locker looked exactly like him?"
I open my mouth and shut it, shaking my head and not knowing what to say to her. I mean she's upset and if she hears the truth she's going to be so mad, she's going to hate me. It's bad enough knowing the guy she likes, likes someone else – but her best friend?
I'm her best friend. I'm her best friend. I can't do this to her.
But should I lie? Should I really lie?
It's making me feel awful and the knots in my stomach are twisting tighter and tighter, like the knots on a pair of my pyjama pants that had gotten so tight I couldn't even wear them anymore. I don't know what's going to happen to my stomach.
"Look, I told you that picture wasn't him," I plead, silently praying for her to believe me. I grab both of her hands in mine and squeeze them, shaking my head. "Why would something be going on between us anyway?"
"I don't know," she says quietly, deflating and looking at her feet. "I'm sorry. I'm being paranoid and I shouldn't get angry at you."
She looks up at me again, smiling, "I should trust you more"
And then she walks off and I sink back onto the ground, closing my eyes and hating myself. She should trust me more? She should trust me more?
Oh God, I'm the last person she should trust.
I'm so freaking stupid.
XOXO
Yes, she can trust me. No, I'm not going to the classroom in which he specified to meet him in. I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head furiously, trying to shake all the thoughts of betrayal. God damn it, I'm not going to. I'm not.
But I totally want to.
"Autumn," he laughs, backing me into a wall, "I'm falling for you like the leaves in your season. Come, kiss me quick."
"You," I shake my head, pressing my hands against his chest and pushing him away, "are such a moron, Hale."
"I hail you," he winks, pressing his lips against my forehead and kissing it with a smack, "God you have no idea how good you look in that dress. I wanted you in your stupid baggy ass shorts when we're in music together, even though you can't play an instrument to save your life."
"I hate you," I wipe my forehead and rub his germs back on his shirt, making an exaggerated face, "you're annoying and you're stupid and I really don't like you very much."
"Oh, then we're on the same page," He laughs before pressing me into the wall with a kiss.
I shake my head, trying not to remember that night. He was being annoying and I hated him, just like I hate him right now. Hate him for making me choose between him and my best friend, and she's obviously going to win.
I just wish – that just for this one time – I could have my cake, and eat it too.
Feeling a jolt, I open my eyes to find myself being dragged down the hall by Hale. He pushes me into the classroom and slams the door behind us.
"Autumn," he says, crossing his arms over his chest.
I smile at him wryly before turning my eyes to the door longingly, wanting to escape this.
"No, Autumn," He laughs, only not sounding very amused with me. "This isn't a joke and you are not running away – what the hell is going on?"
"Nothing is going on," I shrug, running a hand through my short brown hair. "I've just been…busy…"
"Busy avoiding me," he snorts, grabbing me by the chin and turning my head to his. "Now answer me seriously because Autumn, last time I checked? You and I were making out at the school dance and now it's like I don't even exist."
"Look, you might as well," I step out of his grasp and back into a table, shaking my head at him miserably. "Lanie called dibs, she went out with you first and I can't do this to her. It's bad enough what I've already done."
He looks back at me incredulously, shaking his head. "That is bullshit. Calling dibs? Am I the last packet of chips from the canteen or something?"
"No," I slump against the table, looking at my feet. "It's not like that and you know it, we both knew it when we kissed at the school dance and we know it now and I can't – I can't do this to her anymore."
"We've barely even started and I kissed you once," he holds up a finger and not a very nice finger at that, flipping me off. "I kissed you one time and now we're over?"
"That's right," I confirm flatly, tapping my fingers on my shorts.
Hale lets out an exasperated huff and walks over to me, grabbing me by the hips and lifting me onto the table. His lips are on mine before I can do anything about it and he's pressing me back against the table, tears dribbling down my cheeks as I kiss him back.
I know this can't last.
The door crashes closed once more and I look up to see a flicker of black hair and my eyes widen incredulously, my heart starting to speed up for a very different reason.
Lanie.
I push him off of me and run over to the door, hauling it open and beginning to run after her, wincing as I hear her sob. She's crying, she's crying because of something I did. I made my best friend cry.
"Lanie," I call out to her in a panic. "Lanie stop, come back. I need to talk to you."
"I said I trusted you," she cries out hysterically, beginning to run even faster if that's possible, her arms flailing either side of her – she's never been much of a runner. "I said I trusted you and you didn't even tell me the truth."
"I didn't want to hurt your feelings –"
Lanie spins around and stops, shaking her head at me, tears streaking down her face too. She brings up an arm to her face and wipes her eyes across them, lips wobbling.
"Guess what? You did anyway," She shrieks at me, her eyes full of hurt. She's quiet and beat and I don't know what to say, don't know how to make it right again. "Why didn't you tell me you liked him? I would have understood."
"But you liked him so much," I protest, swiping an arm across my own eyes.
"I know," She shrugs, sniffling and looking the other way, "but I like you more. I also tend to like my feelings reciprocated."
I stare at her, opening my mouth but not knowing what to say, what I can say in a situation like this – how am I supposed to make it better? How am I supposed to stop her from hurting? I can see she is and I did it but there's not a thing I can do about it, it's past that.
Lanie closes her eyes a moment, taking a deep breath before looking back to me. She points over my shoulder determinedly, "I'll talk to you later; right now you have to fix this."
I bite my lip and shake my head, "I can't go, you're first priority and I owe it to you."
"You owe it to me to respect my wishes, so scat," she walks right over to me and gives me a shove to my shoulders, narrowing her eyes at me. "Go on. Scat."
When I don't say anything or move she grabs me by the shoulder and turns me around, walking me half of the way over to him before letting me go. I hear her walking off behind me and sigh unhappily, wishing it didn't have to turn out like this but thanking the Gods for such an understanding friend.
Hands in his pockets and eyes following me as I walk, Hale stands outside of my English classroom and smiles hesitantly, slumping against the door. I stop when I'm standing around a metre away from him and gulp, staring into his pale brown eyes and not knowing what to say.
He speaks for me, nodding his head and biting his lip, "I get why you were avoiding me now, but you could have just said something instead of shutting me out. I didn't even know she was still interested after our date because every few minutes I checked my phone for messages from you."
Oh and how I wanted to send him messages, too. But at that point I didn't even know he liked me and at that point I was still in denial about my feelings. I placed the increasing amount of time I spent thinking about him on how annoying he was.
"I know," I grimace, closing my eyes at my stupidity. "I just had that talk with Lanie; I should have been more honest with her and I should have been more honest with you."
"So," He says casually and I hear him take a few steps closer towards me; I open my eyes and he smiles, leaning down to my level. He smells like grass and his shampoo, which is a scent not to be reckoned with. "If we're all agreeance about honesty, can I get some from you?"
He leans a little closer and tilts his head, causing my cheeks to burn at his proximity.
"I guess so," I whisper quietly.
"Can I kiss you right now?" He brushes a hand through my hair and cups my cheek with the other, his eyes going half-lidded. "Can I kiss you as your boyfriend?"
"I guess so," I wince and he tugs my hair a little forcefully, resting his forehead on mine. "I mean yes."
Hale brings his lips against mine, walking me into the wall and pressing himself up close. His kiss is sweet and joyful, joyful that he can finally kiss me with some strings attached. I bring my hands up and to his hair, his beautiful dark brown hair and if his mouth wasn't preoccupied with other things, he felt liked he'd be grinning.
As my hands run through it he grabs me around my waist and lifts me up into his arms, opening his eyes and bumping his nose with mine, eyes crinkling and cheeks dimpling when he pulls away for a moment to look at me.
"I'm very angry at you," he says ironically with a smile, shaking his head, "if you had have talked to me like a normal person we could've been doing this ages ago; maybe even more if you'd realise how much I liked you in Music."
"I'm sorry," I say earnestly, running my hands down his neck soothingly.
"It's okay," He sets me down on the ground and wraps his arms around me, pressing my face into his chest and enveloping me completely. He rubs my back with a palm and kisses me on the forehead, resting his head on mine. "I'm okay, she's okay and you will be okay."
In Hale's arms, my face pressing into his lime green tee, feeling so warm and like he's squeezing every ounce of cynicism out of my body –
I think he's right; everything will be okay.
XOXO
AMG MY HEAD IS GONNA EXPLODE I WROTE THIS UNTIL I THOUGHT IT WAS PASSABLE AND ANOTHER ONE SHOT WILL BE UP IN A DAY OR SO!
I feel like swearing. Only that won't really help me.
I'm sorry I wasn't writing but I had two one shots I had to write and these two one shots most certainly didn't want to be written; I hated everything.
Please don't hate this. I think I'll cry. Unless you want to see me cry and in that case I'm grinning my face off.
What am I saying? If you want me to cry you're a terrible human being. Go eat your face. Poop. Pipe cleaner. Christmas.
MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY