113AN: Epigraph from 'All I Want Is You' - Barry Louis Polisar.
'If I was a flower growing wild and free,
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green,
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves.
All I want is you, will you be my bride?
Take me by the hand and stand by my side?
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.'
It's a well-known tradition for a father to take his first-born son to a strip club whilst he is still an infant. All I could say is thank god that I had never taken an interest in those types of things in the first place – Amber would have murdered me, slowly and very, very painfully. Gareth, on the other hand, tried to persuade me into it. It was not just the idea of Amber's torture which made me resolutely say no – I was petrified of the idea of actually going itself. The only breasts which I wanted to oogle at were Amber's, but very sadly, Duncan really disliked sharing. I would have liked to have said 'That's my boy', but I felt that it was only relevant in every case apart from this one. I only allowed him to do it because I loved him very much.
Regardless, I still think that it was rather brave for Amber to let me look after him alone, with the aid of Gareth, one day in early September. The two of us had just finished an early shift and were walking down the high-street, towards the riverside where we were due to meet Amber and Charlotte. They were going for a coffee together – for Amber to tell her all about birth and childcare. I was taking Duncan off of her hands for her to have a rest and Gareth didn't really want to listen in on gory details. If he thought listening was bad, he should have tried being there.
After during a lecture on just about everything – you would think that the kid wasn't my son from listening in – she finally allowed me to depart, with final words of "And do not take him anywhere inappropriate!"
Jeez, I wasn't that much of a reckless, fun-loving father. Just because I liked to dance around to rock music with him cradled over my shoulder. He enjoyed that anyway; his first laugh had been to me during one of our little bonding grooves. Instead of being naughty boys, the three of us simply took a stroll along the waterfront. Amber had bought me a chest-worn baby carrier as to counter-act me buying that pram which I didn't like very much. The whole part was for me to look less like a lemon, but I ended up being even more of a ponce whilst wearing it. When I had miserably told her that, she asked me how it was possible for people to think that I was gay whilst carrying a baby, who was quite obviously my son. 'Medical science is a wonderful thing.' I had gravely told her in return.
Despite my great dislike in the item itself, it was actually extremely comfortable to wear, took a lot less effort than a pushing a pram about and I quite liked having Duncan snuggled up to my chest. However, all of these points didn't stop Gareth taking the piss out of me as Amber clipped me into it. He only shut up when Charlotte told nonchalantly told him that she'd bought him a similar one and he was expected to use it, unless he wanted to be severely sexually deprived for the next two years.
As we strolled along the river bank promenade, I decided to be a good friend and tell him what to expect the moment that the devil-child from heaven came into his world. "Expect to be sexually deprived, despite whether you wear the carrier or not."
"You're kidding me, right?"
His face fell as I shook my head. "The websites do not lie. We've had sex once since Dunc was born and that was only because it was my birthday. Madam Thumb and her four sons have been working overtime for me."
"I think that I'm gonna cry."
"Take as many opportunities as you can at the moment – trust me on that one."
"Maybe we'll be different." He miserably said. "She doesn't have a problem with self-image."
"It's not that; you don't have time. There's never a spare moment to just stop and smell the roses, let alone find an hour to get a bit intimate. Duncan's not even at all fussy; he rarely cries and already occasionally sleeps through the night, but every scrap of time that you do manage to find, is definitely wanted to be spent asleep."
"So fatherhood is not all what it's meant to cracked up to be, eh, David?"
"Oh, on the contrary. Yes, there are downsides but at the end of the day, you're the father of the most amazing baby in the world."
There were a few moments of silence before he quietly chuckled. "And there I was, think that baby-brain was a female condition. Quite obviously, I'm wrong because you've turned to mush over him."
Slowly, I shook my head, laughing along with him. "Just wait. I'll be damned if you're not the same." He opened his mouth as if to say something, stopping as I halted outside one of the jeweller's front window. "Gareth, can I ask you something serious, and not have you take the mickey?"
"It depends on what." He came and stood beside me, looking into the shop's front window, his hands casually in his trouser pockets and a knowing grin on his face.
"Do you think that I'd be a good husband?"
"Undoubtedly; you're a selfless, crazy-in-love git." Well, I could never have trusted him to be completely serious. "Why, thinking of proposing?
"I don't know." I honestly replied. "There was a point when I was really quite scared of it, but now, not so much. I'd like to use my mum's rings though, I'm sure she would have liked that."
"Aw, Davie," His voice took on an edge of mocking teasing. "ready to take the big step in the land of commitment?"
Glancing over to my side, I raised an eyebrow at him. "Look at me. I turned twenty-nine last week, recently bought a family home and have my eleven week old son asleep on my chest – I don't think that I could get more committed if I tried."
With a throaty chuckle and a shake of his head, he turned around and after waiting a few moments for a gap in the traffic, both of us crossed the busy road and over to the river bank side. He found an empty bench set back from the bank's sand beach, upon which a group of university girls were predictably lying, sunbathing in the surprising late-summer heat. However, much to my surprise, he seemed oblivious to this for the first ten minutes of chatter, contrary to why I thought he had chosen the particular seat in the first place. Was my little Gareth-kins finally growing up?
"David, pass me Dunc, will you? Babies are a total babe magnet."
No. No, he was not growing up. It was a nice thought, whilst it lasted.
I obliged anyway, happy to finally take off the carrier which was making me sweat a horrible amount underneath the straps. "I don't really see how that's even possible. Surely having a baby shows that you're in a serious relationship?"
"Not in this situation; see, he's quite obviously your son and I'm such a nice person that I like to look after him. Besides, it's only flirting; Charlotte and I both think that it keeps our relationship healthy."
"But you do like to look after him." I chose to ignore the latter part of his reply.
"Precisely; it doesn't all have to be about fooling them. Dunc and I have a special bond."
Much to both Amber and I's horror, that was very true. The two of them got on like a house on fire and if I didn't know any better, I would have said that Gareth actually loved him. Surprising, I know, but there was no denying that he was very good with children and when his own daughter was born, he would be extremely devoted – second only to me. After much talking about it, Amber and I had agreed on something. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that."
"Carry on." He chuckled down at Duncan, whom too was laughing and trying to bat at Gareth's tie, which he had turned into some sort of puppet.
"Amber and I would like you to be his Guide Father."
Stopping, he glanced over at me, smiling. "What's that?"
"A non-religious God-parent. More of a guardian; if something were to happen to us, you would be responsible for looking after him."
"And you'd really want me to be that?"
I nodded. "Both of us agree that you'd always do what was best for him and there's no-one better for it than you."
"Aw, David, thanks." He shyly grinned, truthfully for once. "That really means a lot to me – I'd love to be it…" Pausing, he turned to where five of the girls were making their way over to us. Well, our little moment was always to be short-lived.
"Excuse me?" The first one said, smiling at Gareth, which he readily returned. "Can we see your baby? He is so cute."
And just like that, my son had his first pull of five university girls at the age of two and a half months. That's my boy.
As the months continued to pass, I came to realise that marriage was something I began to seriously want. I could no longer understand why I had been so wary of it in the first place and whilst it was not a topic with Amber and I discussed, I had a feeling that she was beginning to agree. I finally made my decision in that I was going to propose at the beginning of December. I had no clue how I was going to do it, but I definitely wanted to, which was good enough. I persuaded Dad to let me have Mum's rings to use, and then Amber's band size off of Ella for altering, as well as adding an extra centre diamond in the engagement – the original had fallen out years ago and had never been replaced.
We were visiting my Father in the highlands for the Christmas holiday itself, I having finally taken the period off, and deciding then was when I was going to ask her. We had visited Amber's family on the day before Christmas Eve and I gleefully managed to get Tony's permission. Ever since we had started dating, Amber had always questioned why I was so hell bent on getting Tony to like me. My reason, which I had never told her, was plain and simple; I was an old fashioned kind of guy, and I would never propose to a woman without her father's blessing.
It was Duncan's first Christmas and my Father was more than happy for us to spend it with him. It was the only the second time he had seen Duncan – the first being a few days after his birth, and the first thing he had said to me when seeing him this time was "He's grown a hell of a lot, hasn't he?" It had filled both Amber and I with a great sense of happiness to see him with the grandson who would carry on his family name. On Christmas Eve, he had fallen asleep in his armchair in front of the fire, Duncan in his arms.
On Christmas morning itself, I set my alarm clock for six o'clock in order to wake myself up, but I found that I was already so, instead turning it off so that it wouldn't wake a still-slumbering Amber. Once warmly dressed, I attempted to wake her in a nice way, by crawling on top of her and placing gentle kisses up her neck. He response, which I hadn't predicted, was for her to groan and try and push me off of her. I could only chuckle, catching hold of her hands. "But Amber, it's Christmas."
She cracked one eye open, my beaming smile and giggling obviously becoming infectious. "Well then, Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas." I gleefully told her in return, sitting upright on my haunches, still over her waist. I couldn't help but playfully smile down at her.
"What is it? Are you attempting to get an early present?"
I shook my head, my hair, which had grown much longer than usual, flicking slightly across my face. "Nope."
"Then go back to sleep." She heavily sighed. The room was in semi-darkness, the only light being a chink of rays around the doorframe. "It's still dark out. What time is it anyway?"
I took great delight in telling her. "Six thirty."
"And on the one morning which his lordship hasn't woken me up, you do?"
"Uhuh." I was rather pleased with myself, for obvious reasons. With a groan, she flopped backwards, her hair fanning out across the pillows. "Oh no. We're not going back to sleep." I grabbed her hands, trying to pull her up with me.
"Says who?" Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"Me, of course. I have something to show you."
"Then show me."
"Well, quite obviously, it's not here."
"Huh?"
"We need to get up. And dressed, warmly for that matter."
"Oh, stop mucking about." Grabbing my pillow from beside her, she attempted to hit me around the head with it. How evil.
So, I yanked it from her, hit her back and then threw it behind me. "I'm not." Ducking under the duvet, I grabbed one of her bare feet and began to tickle it. She had extremely ticklish feet, much to my advantage, and squirmed away, shrieking for all she was worth. I surged forwards, placing my hand firmly over her mouth, laughing as well. "Shh!"
She removed it with her own. "Then quit it."
"I will, only if you get up."
"Why?"
"Just do it." I told her, rolling off the bed and standing up.
"Fine." She huffed, crossing her arms and kicking off the covers.
"Right." I shoved a pile of clothes at her, which I had already earlier lain out. "Put these on."
She did so, taking far, far longer than I would have liked. "David, what on earth is this all about?"
I took her gloved hand, tugging her towards the door, as quickly as possible. "We're going out, but we have to hurry."
"Wait." She stubbornly stopped, pulling me over to the cot at the bottom of our bed. "What about Duncan?"
I joined her at the crib's side. Duncan was deeply asleep, his brow twitching as his eyes moved under his delicate eyelids, his toes curling and uncurling at whatever was in his dream. "He'll be fine. Dad will keep an eye on him."
"But, what if –"
I sharply cut her off, not wanting to argue as we were running out of time. "We won't be gone long, I promise." I softened at her worried expression. "Really, I wouldn't leave him if this wasn't important."
Pausing for a moment and simply watching his movements, she spoke, concern in her voice. "I'm really worried about him doing that."
"The thing with his toes? Why?"
"Because you do it when you orgasm."
Rolling my eyes, I took her hand again, trying to get her to leave. "Yeah, me and about ninety-nine per cent of the population as well. You do it when you're dreaming, so it's a trait that he's picked up off of you, and not me."
She reluctantly followed me out and downstairs, At the bottom step, Tor lay, who pricked up one ear, cocked his head and heaved himself up, his claws clacking on the wooden floorboards as he followed us through. My father was in the kitchen, attempting to shove a turkey, the size of a small sheep, into the oven. The rest of my family would be visiting later on, and with being sixteen more of them, (Fifteen who could actually eat) the bird truly needed to be that size. He looked up as we passed, raising his bushy eyebrows. "Merry Christmas." He shared a look with me, knowing fully well what was up as I had told him the previously night. Taking a step towards us, he turned to Amber and said "Don't worry; I'll watch over Duncan for you."
"He might cry a bit if he wakes up," she began. "he's beginning to get separation anxiety. He should calm down if you give him his favourite blanket though; the smell comforts him. He should be hungry as well, so there's milk in the fridge and –"
He finally managed to halt her by holding up a hand and deeply chuckling. "Amber, I've raised five kids in my time, I know what to do."
"Oh, right… Sorry."
"Come on." I murmured in her ear, trying to drag her backwards as my father gave me a wink.
Outside, the air was crispy and cold, our hot breath curling steam into the early morning setting. A fresh layer of snow had fallen overnight and crunched underfoot as I led her along an uphill, tree shadowed pathway off the main track. My homeland was so different from the city – it was tranquil, quiet and as a serene place as you were ever likely to find. It was also a white Christmas – just as I had hoped. The snow was a good five or six inches deep, greatly hindering her walking speed, much to my annoyance. In hope of trying to make her go faster, I stormed ahead, turning round every so often, walking backwards and encouraging me to speed up. Not too far away from my planned destination, I glanced up at the clear, brightening sky, biting down on my lip. I wanted to be there before the sun rose completely. "Come on, or we'll miss it."
Shaking her head, she stopped for a moment. "It's exhausting."
"Okay, I'll give you a lift." I pulled her over to a conveniently located tree stump. "Hop on."
"As if you'll be able to carry me faster up there than me walking." She grumbled, climbing onto the stump.
"You underestimate my desire to be there quickly. Get on now."
She finally clambered onto my back, wrapping her arms around my scarf wrapped neck. I grasped her under her knees, setting off at a much quicker pace up the narrow path than we had originally been going.
The surrounding forest was silent apart from the chirrup of the dawn chorus robins and my own crunching footsteps. The conifers glittered with the frozen crystals and slender icicles, some a foot long, glinting from sparse reflected light rays. Occasionally one would fall, gliding through the air with a supernatural gracefulness before shattering into countless shards against the ground with a tinkling tune.
Eventually, we reached the clearing at the top. I let go of her legs and she slowly slid back to the ground. "Right, finally, we're here." I re-took her hand, leading me out onto the flat space, the other side bordered by a sheer drop.
The rising sun was just peaking above the mountains, its weak beams shining off the ground, creating a dazzling brightness. Far below, lay a lock, its dark, almost black, body creating a stark contract. Its surface was patched between slate and jet colours, factions of ice floating in crazed, jagged patterns. Across the frozen landscape, minute, hard lines of green would show through the almost overwhelming whiteness. I had found the place upon returning from university one summer, the first year than my parents and moved to their new house. It had quickly become my favourite place and had remained so ever since.
"It's beautiful." Amber breathed.
"Yes." I could only reply, my nerve overtaking me at what my prospecting task was. After some time, I lightly squeezed her hand before continuing. "Recently, I've realised what I want in my future."
"Really?" She turned to look up at me.
"Yeah."
She smiled her mouth just visible above the scarf which I had insisted upon wrapping tightly around her neck. "Tell me then."
I faced her too, placing my hands upon her waist, beginning to repeat those words which she had said to be exactly one day under a year ago. "Well, I'd have a house in the country, but not far from the city. I'd live there with my wife and she'd be small, perfect and breathtakingly beautiful. We'd have four kids, a couple of dogs, a few cats and a donkey in the orchard."
Biting down on her lower lip, this time from grinning too much rather than nerves, she went to say something before I placed a finger on her lips, stopping her. I took a deep breath, swallowing deeply. "Amber May Reeve. I love you with everything that I have, and I will tell you and mean that every single day. When you're happy, I'm happy. When you laugh, I laugh. When you smile, I smile and something inside me is irreversibly changed, for life and for the better. You've given me Duncan; the best thing which had even happened to me other than you. I can't imagine my life without you, it would cease to exist. Which is why," I drew back from her, taking my hand from where it had been buried in my pocket a few moments prior, pulling out the small box which I hadn't allowed to leave my person for the past three weeks. "I want to ask you," Kneeling down on one knee, as it could only be done, her eyes never left mine. "If you would do me the honour of becoming my wife."
I opened the box which held the ring I'd valued for so long. One of my earliest memories was sitting on my mother's lap, playing with it upon her finger and had asked her what if was for. She had smiled and said very gently 'David, when you're older and you meet a woman whom you love very much, you might give her a ring like this. It'll because you want to marry her, raise children with her and spend the rest of your life with her.'
It had been my mother's words which had been my final decision in asking such a thing, and as I could only look up with her and say "Will you marry me?", I knew that what I was doing was right. There was nothing that I wanted more in my life than her and Duncan, and I was idiotic to ever think that that wasn't true. The two of them made up my life – without them, everything would cease to exist.
Yet, as Amber stared at me, I was unsure for the first time. I had been planning it for months. What words I would say; they had to be exactly right, as would the place be where I said them. During all of this time spent pondering over it, I had never considered what if she said no. I guess that I had always assumed, us living together and sharing a son and all, that she would agree. But now I came realise that that was not necessarily the case. I never thought that rejection could hurt so much; it was worse than ever before. I could feel the hurt flood across my face and I didn't even care enough anymore to hid it.
"You don't…" I swallowed my pride, and as painful as it was, it wasn't a par on the agony of being rejected itself. I stiffly stood up, a fierce sob burning in the back of my throat. I didn't care if I cried; I did not see how that makes me less of a 'man', but there was no way in hell that I was going to do so now, especially not in front of her. I slowly nodded, my gaze focused far away on the mountains in the distance. "You don't... I understand."
"David…" She stepped forwards, her palm spread out on my chest, her touch being sheer flaming agony, as if her skin was burning all the nerves in my body into blackened cinders.
"No, you don't have to explain yourself. I understand. Of course I do."
"David, no…"
Even then, I had had a glimmer of hope. But that was now shot down in a flaming pile of rubble upon the cold, hard ground. "No. Okay. Please, excuse me. I need some time to myself."
"David!" She grabbed onto my arm as I turned away and I almost physically shuddered. I just needed to be alone, to think about it all. "David, please." The despair in her voice made me glance at her face for the first time. She looked distraught, horrified even, her eyes brimming with tears. "I mean yes. That came out wrong. I meant that I don't don't want to marry you."
"What?" I twisted back to face her, confused.
"Ask me again." She whispered, her brow crumpling.
I instantly did so; it was something with I needn't have even thought about this time. "Will you marry me?"
"Yes! Yes, I will marry you."
"Really?"
"Yes, David."
"Really, really?"
"Yes. Do you want to me to shout it? Because I will." She stepped back, threw back her head and yelled "Yes, David Hamish Grant, I will marry you!"
Her voice echoed through the valley, those sweet words rebounding in my ears and I swept her into my arms, enveloping her into a bone crushing embrace, and she sobbed into me. "You know, you're not meant to cry." I murmured, pulling back slightly, taking her face in my hands as I gently kissed them away.
"They're happy tears. Anyway, you're blubbing too."
"Yeah, well they're happy as well. You have no idea how scared I was then."
"I'm so sorry. I was shocked. Why, David, why would I ever say no?"
"I don't know." I nuzzled into the side of her neck, kissing her ear.
After some blissful time of just standing there, she eventually pushed me lightly back. "David?"
I, however, refused to let go. "Yes?"
"Ring?"
"Oh, yeah, right." Pulling back, I fumbled in my pocket, bringing out the box again from where I had shoved it earlier. My hands were trembling as I pulled off her glove and pushed the small band onto her finger.
Her face lit up, eyes shining. "It fits." She whispered.
"Yeah, generally, that's the idea." I was completely ecstatic. She said yes. She said yes. She said YES. I couldn't help but laugh. Laugh in a way that I had never before, a loud, brash, stomach-aching laugh. It followed Amber's earlier shout through the mountains, reverberating against the rocks.
"What?" She smiled at me, he cheeks still wet with tears, as were mine, and whether they were each other's was never known.
"I'm just so happy."
It was some time before either of us wanted to move from that spot, but then Amber suddenly became concerned about Duncan and so we had a race home. That was until I face planted into the snow whilst winning, she tripped over me and we both ended up sprawled on the freezing ground. It was an opportunity that I was not going to miss and thus, we spent a further ten minutes rolling about in it and playfully stuffing snow into each other's faces. Oh, it felt good to be young again.
So, when we eventually tumbled in through the back-door, red faced and soaking wet like a pair of excitable three-year olds, I was not surprised by the amused look that my father gave us. He was settled in the rocking chair with Duncan, who had just finished off a bottle. Motioning towards him with a shrug, he grinned at the two of us. "See, I said that I could manage it."
There was a pause where he looked at me questionably, not wanting to breach upon the topic. I eventually decided to put him out of his suspense by wrapping my arms tightly around her from behind and planting a kiss on her cheek. "She said yes!"
He quickly stood up, passing me Duncan and then pulling all of us into a tight hug. "I'm so pleased for you."
As the other members of my family gradually arrived, we received much of the same delighted response, although much more happy screaming from my sisters – especially Flo. Lunch was spent with a mad flurry of chatter; much hysterics being created from Duncan's amazed facial expression from his first taste of mushed-up turkey. He and his cousins also had a great bonding session, which led to more amusement from him pulling himself along the floor, trying to follow a newly-toddling Stephanie. The moment which summed it up however, was when my father turned to me, sadly smiled and said "Your Mum would have loved this."
As annual tradition, we all made our way down to the local village on foot when it turned dark, to join in the festive celebrations there. With a large Christmas tree lit up in the centre square, we were all standing around one of the bonfire–in–a–bins for warmth, eating mince pies and drinking mulled wine. The air was spitefully cold, but the fire was giving enough heat not to freeze and I was sure that Duncan was nice and warm in his carrier, under my coat. With just his hat-covered head poking out, I was sure that we looked a right pair. Watching Amber talk to Anthony, my eldest nephew, for a few minutes, I was struck at how truly lucky I was to have her as my fiancée – that was a word which I was never going to become tired of.
She eventually caught me staring after a while, and leaving him to talk to my father, she came over and wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "What are you thinking?"
"That I love you so very much."
That was what it was; love. A thing which can dominate our lives, something which can complete it and something which can destroy it. And I'd found it in the most amazing, unimaginable, best form possible.
I'd found it in Amber.