Nothing to Chase...


Have you ever wanted something to be real so bad that it actual hurt. Something you want so bad that it causes a pressure in your head and chest that makes you want to claw your eyes out, just for some relief. That is how I feel about love. I want it to be there, I want it to be real, but I have yet to ever, ever see proof, true proof. And maybe I won't, and that is what kills me, the possibility that I will be waiting, and hoping for something my entire life, every second of every day, be waiting for something that doesn't even exist. And even if I have happiness, there will always be that insistent accusation that it isn't love, that I should keep looking for something better, even if it doesn't exist.

That is why I hate, detest, and want to kill love. It isn't tangible, but it can cause so much pain, yet I can't touch it. I can't make it appear to me, or stay with me if I find it. I can't buy it, even if everyone else around me has some form of it, I can never ever force it into my life. Its not somethig I can own and hold on to, it is just something I can think about, and hope for. It is a terrible, horrible, evil form of tourcher that for some unknow cosmic force on the earth, everyone wants, even when they act like they don't, or possibly don't know they want, you still want it. People are always searching for something more than what they have. Its the most valuable product in the world, that can't be bought sold or manufactured. It can't be kept safe and warm in a heart, or a jar, or any other form of confinment, it can't be held still, or kept form changing. Why try to get something that won't be the same even after you get it.

If love is real, then can it disappear? Explain to me all the divorced couples in the world, all the ones that thougt they had love, but in the end the still left each other, in most likely, bitter resentment. If they had love then why did it take them from wanting one another more than any one or anything in the world, to detesting the sight of each other. Is that love? Is it that fickle? Or is it just that those couples messed up love, Can you do that? Mess up love? Or did they ever have love? Maybe they just really, really cared about the other. Or is it that they were afraid to be alone, is that why marriages stay together, you are just to afraid to be by yourself? Is it humans or love that is fickle? Do you have to suffer some to make love work? Why would you have to 'make' love work? That sounds horrible. Why do we wish for something so terribly inconsistent, mysterious, and unconciously cruel.

Why do we read stories of romantic love tales where the characters always win in the end? Is it because reality will never be like that, or is it because we may find our prince or princess, to love and hold onto, who are perfect and great...for a month and then someone new catches your eye, and the sick game of love starts again.

I know I sound like a crazy cinic, who over thinks things, and maybe I am. Maybe there are people out there who have love, or think they do, or had love but lost it. Was it worth it? That is my question to you, to the world, or anyone who has an opinion on the matter. Was going after, searching desperatly, and clinging to whatever you could get worth the trouble, the pain, the tears, the fights, the blood, the money, the time. Was chasing love worth it?