The Lone Wolf, Dixon and the Ice-Queen

« Ty, why don't you have a girlfriend ? »

This was bad, I hated when this question came up. I paused my video game, I had no choice, or I stopped playing Call of Duty for a few minutes while she asked the dreaded question or she would press on the security switch and the computer would black out and it would take ages for my game to charge again. And after a conversation with the Ice-queen I was going to need some brain soothing killing.
"Who's telling you I don't?"

"Tyler. Answer the question. Now."

My sister looked at me with the ice-queen-cruella-terrifying eyes from hell. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no wimp, I'm quite honest in saying that I have no fear for anything but... Maureen's eyes have terrified me since my youngest age and it just makes you want to hang yourself before she tortures you to death. Anyway, I answered before it got worse.

"I don't want to ever discover that the sweet girl I'm going out with is actually a blood-thirsty monster like yourself."

I thought she might just laugh and forget about it, but she wanted to know this time. She wanted to know badly, added to the fact she was on her period and she'd had a terrible day and she'd fought with her boyfriend, I was doomed if I tried to laugh the question away.

"Repeat that louder?"

She smiled with the psychopath face. Now I felt like I was in a dark street and the world's most famous psycho (27 deaths at his known active, all tortured to agony before he finished them) was telling me I would make a perfect next prey. Why is my sister the only one capable to do that to me? And why is it I'm the only one who feels that she's a demon reincarnated in a humanoid body to torture mankind?

"I haven't found any girl that makes (I quote): my heart falter, my beats accelerate, my legs become mush with the feeling I'll die if she is taken away for me because she is the very reason I live for and the only reason I'd die for. Happy?"


"Well, what do you want me to answer? I don't get the question here..."

"Ty, are you gay?"

"What if I was?"

"Answer the damn question, if you dare ask another question instead of answering mine, I will make you eat your cell phone and send you messages so you feel it buzz inside your guts." She threatened. I gulped.

"I am not gay, although I wouldn't know because I've never felt any attraction over guys nor girls, satisfied?"

You know those poor guys submitted to questioning in police quarters? I have a huge sympathy for them right now.

"How do you know your not gay?"

"Because gays are gross, they're unnatural, it's against the Bible: I'd never ever kiss a guy."

I hoped she'd pick up on the homophobic part of my line and forget about the girlfriend question but I underestimated her capacity of concentration. Just for information, I'm not homophobic, I don't care, but I'd do anything to get my sister off my back. Anything.

"Would you kiss a girl?"

"Well, if a girl with big breasts and a nice bod' threw herself at me I think we could find an arrangement."

"What's your type?"

"How am I supposed to know, it's none of your business anyway... Ok, I like strong, sarcastic, sporty girls, not afraid of sweat and kind of boyish. Whatever, you know." I'd just made that up, I hoped she'd believe me.

"And I know you love dark hair and clear, gray eyes."


"Because in that movie with Rachael Cook with short hair your only comment was 'she'd be better with gray eyes' and it's the only comment I've ever heard you voice out loud on an actress, even Megan Fox didn't affect you."

"So what, just because I'm not all: "Oh My God, Megan Fox is SOOO Hot!" Like you with Ewan McGregor doesn't mean I don't appreciate actresses. I just don't want to humiliate myself with stupid girlish gestures!"

"Anyway, you've answered my question, you do have some feelings."

"What? No... I do not, I'm a pure non sentimental, I have no feelings whatsoever, I do not cry when baby sea lions get killed."

"Trying to hide something from me, Ty?"

I got tricked, again. God, my sister should totally be a cop.

"I think I remember seeing you cry like a baby when those sea lions were killed, and when the penguins were starving too."

I tried to drape myself in the last shreds of dignity I had and shut my big mouth.

"So you agree with the present statement?"

Okay, fuck my dignity, she's my sister.

"I do not, I did not cry you bitching liar, I felt sorry for all that scientific knowledge that would probably be lost after their extinction."

"Fine, if you say so." She snickered and left.

I was so screwed.

"If Facebook knows, I'll tell the whole world you watch Moulin Rouge in secret, sing all the songs and crying every 5 minutes! Your cold-untouchable-ice-queen image will be shattered."

She had just three words to say: "Try and dare."

I knew what came next, I was going to die if anyone knew about my sister's secret romantic side and then she would manage to disguise it as a suicide with all her cop-like techniques. My sister was born to be a cop. I hate her. I un-paused my game and I swear, in half a second, all the freaking enemies were freaking dead and not becoming zombies anytime soon. It's so easy to kill them all when I imagine I'm stabbing Maureen to death.

The whole irony of this conversation came up to me when I saw her.
Her, is the evil thing that did something weird to my guts just by looking at me.
I don't even know her name!

Just that she runs barefoot on the track and kills the school records, she flies like the wind on the track with fire burning in her eyes and it's thrilling to watch her run and win.
And she looks like she could kill four people lined-up with one kick. (I mostly say that because she reminds me of an anime heroin: she knew martial arts and martial arts: are. Cool.) Actually, I saw her line a triple punch in the stomach to a jock who said she was a weirdo for running without shoes. He was floored in less than 5 seconds, and that is awesome. I don't think I could have done it in less than 4 seconds, so for a girl it's impressive.

Then I thought of what an incredible duo of heroes we would make, dash runner and sky flyer, the terribly dangerous team to fight off villains of the surface of this world.
And then she looked at me. And I don't know what happened, I felt my face burn like I had just been plunged in a boiling bath. Not a nice feeling.

"Hey, Tyler."

What? How did she know my name? How did the only fact that she knew my name made my have a pseudo-heart attack! Guys don't have heart attacks for no reason, it's abnormal, it's weird, it's strange, what did that girl do to me? I stopped asking myself disturbing questions and went into brainless-mode: expressionless face and straight body, now think of stabbing my sister to death (making sure she does not become a ghost or a zombie). Ha, that felt much better, I could now end my day in peace.

The next day, I saw her in biology class.

One conversation where I state this imagenary perfect type and said perfect type appears out of no where in my biology class and she's been there all year! What the Fuck? Demoniac from hell of a sister!,
I sat next to her, just to test myself.
She didn't say much, she didn't giggle with her friends, she didn't wear sassy clothes and she didn't look like she gave a damn about the course. I liked that.
I like to think of myself as a lone wolf, I don't need anyone (especially not a girl) except maybe a buddy and a good beer from time to time, nothing more.
Madison was completely reversing that whole theory about myself.

I watched as Lindsay went up to the board. I appreciated the orange-tanned legs covered by a short skirt and the white-nearly-transparent shirt that looked ready to burst. She was at least a C. And I bet she was wearing thongs.

"How much on the color of her thongs?" said Madison.

My heart jolted and I felt guilty for a second (guilty? I hadn't done anything wrong! Stupid sister) then I caught up on what she was saying.

"It was just the unvoiced question I was asking myself. I bet a free lunch: I say pink."

"Naw, black with red ribbons. 70% sales at VS, slogan: 'irresistible to the marrow'. Just the type."

I mentally thanked her for not voicing out loud the name of the place of doom. Something to do with the name Victoria and a secret, but of course being a guy I would not know about that kind of place. (Except when the ice-queen drags me in there promising she would loan me her Xbox for a week. I should ask for a pay raise considering the torture it's like. Plus, it doesn't even cover 'coming up with an excuse' in case I meet someone I know.)
We waited a while but Lindsay was protecting the little skin still remaining covered with unknown fierceness.

"Should I ask?" Madison offered.

I didn't think it was a very manly thing to do as to act like it was a good idea, I'm no wimp after all.

"Naw, I'll do it."

"Great, I think she has a crush on you anyway."

It was like we had some sort of deal, I'll be a dimwit till the rest of my life if I didn't do it and being a lone wolf, no way I'd chicken out.
When the bell rang, I winked at Lindsay. She smiled and exaggeratedly took her time to put her stuff away so we would be alone.

I came up to her with a semi -sexy style- smile that girls love (I know that when Ewan does it my sister, the ice-queen, swoons: so it must be a universal technique).

"Hey, Tyler." She slurred. Wow, the size of her breast like took a size more and I felt sorry for the tortured shirt holding them. Not to say I couldn't keep my eyes off that invading asset. I kneeled on the ground.

"Lindsay, I'm tormented by your beauty, no one equals it, I would want to be the strand of hair that touches your velvet lips, I can not live without your light illuminating my darkness. Jealousy eats me up every time you look at another man so please answer my question..."

She bit her lip, her eyes glinting with pleasure. She was totally under the spell.


"What color is your thong? The question is eating me up, I must know. It's vital."

"Wha...Black with red ribbons, but..."

"Ah, what a tragedy, our love is impossible, you have the same thongs as my mother, I cannot cope with the thought, it's just too terrifying, what's more you got them at the place of doom, the gap between our lifestyles is just to big, it would consume us and let us as empty as shells. Lifeless, zombies, a life no one would want..."

She gaped for a second. She looked ready to slap me but she changed her mind and laughed.

"I should kill you for that, but your nice words and your dimples just are too cute for me to hate. But if this event is known of anyone else in the school, you're dead Saunders!"

She left, I was a bit puzzled concerning the "cute dimples". My dimples are not cute, in fact, I have no dimples! Seconds later, Madison joined me there. She was laughing her head off.

"Excellent! I didn't think you'd have the guts to do it! I'm impressed, Ty! Awesome, you are the king of bullshit wrapped up in Shakespeare! But, Guess what? I win!"
I huffed and stood up and we both left for lunch.

"What? That's a mountain of food!" I complained.

"You're paying, I'm eating, I won so you shut up."

I waved to the few buddies I usually eat with (only so I don't seem like a total looser eating alone, and also because supposedly I'm part of the team and team mates eat together, no matter what; to violate that rule without a good excuse is basically equivalent to high treason and justifies the use of capital punishment: my, my, so scary). They saw Madison and they gave me the thumbs up, I pointed to me and then to her and then I symbolized a link making a chain with my fingers. It meant we were an item and it allowed me to avoid stupid questions, plus I had an excuse not to eat with the losers.

Madison saw me and then she deliberately did the same thing to her friends, just to annoy me. We both sat down and enjoyed our meal, we actually had interesting conversations but I don't remember any of them.

At the end of the day, I tried to avoid anybody I knew. It was a major failure.

"Did you fuck her yet?"

"Of course I did, between 4th period (where I actually met her for the first time) and lunch, vertical sex position in the the janitor's room."
I said with as much sarcasm as humanly possible.

"Haha, very funny. How long you've been together?"

"Since 4th period."

"What's she like, I heard she's kind of a weirdo, she runs barefoot at track meetings."

"Yeah, sure, listen guys, I've got to go, I have a dentist appointment!"

"Dude, we have basketball meeting!"

I hated my father who declared I wouldn't get a car if I wasn't part of the basketball team. He made that promise when he was 11 years old, probably thinking I'd love basketball so much that I'd thank him years later and forget about the car. Not! I wanted him to buy me a Lamborghini or a Mustang but he almost had a heart attack so I settled for a dull Ford. I didn't even get the Dodge Ram even though they had awesomely good offers! Anyway, since he pays insurance, I still have to stay on the basketball team instead of being a pure lone wolf and there's nothing worse than mingling with sweaty, enthusiastic dudes asking you to always "play your best" even though they all know if you screw it up you're dead.
They liked me for one reason: I wasn't loudmouthed and I was a good player (I had no wish to die after a game because I played like a dimwit).
Another reason why I hate my dad: he passed the gene of naturally-good-at-sports to me, I had no wish for something as stupid and useless as that but I had it anyway. I'd rather have the naturally-good-at-making-things, that way I'd fix my own car and forget about insurance, but no I got the huge honor to be an honorable member of our honorable team. What an honor, what else can I say?

"I know, next time."

As I turned around, I hit Mrs. Bowley. The girl's basketball coach: she hates me (don't ask me why, it's a long story).

"Didn't you go to the dentist last week? Saunders."

"Yes, but that tooth ache is just giving me too much complications, I think I'll have to be operated soon to remove it and then I wouldn't be able to go to practice for weeks! I'm sorry it's better if I go."

As I walked to my car, I could almost hear Bowley growling at me with anger: what a satisfaction.

I drove home thinking of nothing.

Seriously, I was pretty sure my face didn't show anything at all but as soon as I passed the doorway, my sister (how the hell does she always manage to arrive before I do riding to school by bike to 'protect the environment'?) immediately bolted:

"Something is wrong with you Ty."

"Yeah, you're what's wrong with me. Move away."

"What is that lack of enthusiasm pushing me away, why do your movements seem so slow, your eyes look like they're some place else and your voice is coarse! Are you on drugs?"
She grabbed my head and pulled to her nose to get a better look at my eyes. A very traumatizing experience.

"No, the pupils are not dilated... What can it be... Oh my God Tyler, it's a girl!" How could she now that? And why did she announce that as if I had just given birth to my first child?

"It's a girl, finally it's a girl, I've waited for this moment for so long, a girl, a girl, Tyler has finally made contact with a girl that over 10 and under 30, it's a miracle, I seriously thought you were gay... Oh my God! It's not a boy, right, please don't tell me it's a boy, how am I going to annoy you if it's a boy? He better not be hot, I'd kill you if your boyfriend were hotter than mine, so what is it? Boy or girl?"

"It's a guy."
The art of making my voice drip with sarcasm by keeping a cool and stern voice.

"It's a girl, I knew it, you must invite her, we'll watch Ewan McGregor and go to the mall for sales, wear ridiculously high heels and try on dresses that cost the price of a car, oh what a wonderful dream this is to be: I've always wanted to have a sister!"
Why does my sister know me so well?

"So, who is it?"

Okay, it's show time: I lowered my head and blushed and then I did the half-smile, took a dreamy look on my face and claimed:
"Her name is Alcettra, she's the most beautiful being living on this earth: hair blond as what and eyes blue as the night, her name fills my heart with flowers and butterflies, her rosy lips make me want to fly and her size...she's so small, the size of a thumb and that's why I love her..."

"Cut the bullshit,will you?" I seriously think my sister if not a demon from hell is a dangerous bi-polar psycho.

"I told you, her name is Alcettra, she's blond, blue eyes, lovely face, looks like an angel because she flies and she's ¼ inch tall, all the opposite of you basically..."

"You stupid idiotic bubble faced squid, get out of my view before I commit murder for your lying insolence, now go!"
The ice queen was back.

I ran away before she could do anything worse, my sister knew me well, but I knew her better: she hated when I lied and she couldn't do anything about it.

The next day, when I saw Madison in biology she asked me this strange question.

"Did you review for the major test in English today?"

"Oh, a test? No, why?"

"Well, I think it's some sort of really important test or something, worth lots of points in our GPA."

"Bah, I can always catch up..."

A girl behind us interrupted:
"Are you kidding, this is like a mock-SAT on "To kill a Mocking Bird" with an essay at the end, it's going to be really hard, the teacher is a sadistic moron and he said the mark counted for half of the grade of the semester, if you don't make it, you'll never get your credits at the end of the year unless you have all As 'til the end of the semester!"

I looked at Madison:
"Is he even allowed to do that?"

"I guess..."

"Madison, Tyler! Silence!"

I ignored the teacher.I whispered to her:
"We need to get out of it, I didn't even Sparknote it!"

"I know, I think I have an idea, I'll tell you as we head for lunch."

She told me her idea, it was awesome, but dangerous and best of all, hilarious. We needed an excuse that didn't involve sickness, pulling the fire alarm, pretending someone in the family is dead or just skipping class. We needed something brilliant, something even our heartless English teacher and our truth-extracting principal would believe.
We named it: operation pigeon.

Before we entered class, I grabbed Madison's arm and I hissed:

"If this works you can dare me to whatever you like. If it doesn't work, you have to do all my homework so I get As 'till the rest of the year."
Because if I was a loafer, she was a good student and I preferred having the worst of dares in case our operation does work than completely failing my semester: both the ice-queen and my mother would kill me if I didn't score at least up to average.

"You shouldn't have said that."
She smiled, easy for her, at least she had reviewed for the test.

Operation pigeon part 1:
"Tyler! You A-hole, how dare you do that to me? You ruined me, you broke my heart, how dare you!"

"I didn't do anything you whore, you're just begging for me to keep you, after what you did with that Harry at the party."

"I wasn't even at the party, you're confusing me with Jennifer, that "side-girlfriend"! I trusted you! How could you do this to me."

"Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about."
By then, people were looking at us with curiosity. Perfect.

She slapped me. Ow! That was painful. She'd have to pay for that.

"You don't know what your talking about..."
The teacher had come to us when she slapped me, trying to separate us. Madison started crying, the heartless moron looked concerned but completely overwhelmed.

"Oh! Mr. Kosko, it's all his fault, he's the one that did it all, it's all his fault. I want to go home, please, help me!"

Kosko said gravely:
"Excuse-me Miss Lime, only the principal can decide of that, you'll have to explain yourselves with him. Mr Saunders, you owe the principal an explanation also, I don't understand what's going on but it looks serious enough that you can do your test tomorrow after school. Miss Roswita, could you accompany the both of them to the office and immediately come back for your test."
Like I said, heartless.

We got to the principal's office. We waited 10 minutes because he wasn't around, Madison did her show to the secretary, who didn't like me very much in the first place, now she hated me.

Operation pigeon part 2:
The principal sat us down.
"So, Miss Lime, Mr Saunders, what are your reasons for being here?"

Madison explained her version of the story, cut by tears and I made comments as if it wasn't true, it was all a lie and she would cry even more and than we would start calling each other names until the principal interrupted us. It lasted 20 minutes.

Then it was my turn. I denied everything she did and she commented on my slyness, etc. We made sure we made it completely incomprehensible. The principal tried to ask trick questions but in these cases we would answer all at the same time, with a different version every time. I stuck to my version, but Madison constantly changed hers under the "emotion" of the moment.
The story itself isn't important, the important is to make a mountain out of an ant hole. The principal was completely lost. We should both or become super-heroes, or spies, or comedian or something that has to do with pretending. Finally he asked:

"Are you sure it was Tyler that night?"

"Well... Actually now that you say it, I'm not so sure, the girl mentioned a Tyler but there are many Tyler's around in this world..."

"See! She admits, she admits I'm innocent, finally, justice! Girls have the crying gene in them, they are automatically believed in a case against a guy but I'm innocent, I was at the party but it wasn't me I swear! You accuse me over fake proof. I thought you'd trust me more than that. You know what I did this week end?"


"I bought you this: I opened my hand and pulled out a small box. She opened it with feigned excitement. The bracelet belonged to one of her friends, and she had borrowed it for the occasion, she actually found a box somewhere (don't ask me, she said it was a secret) and we wrapped the whole thing up.

"Oh my God! A silver charm bracelet! Just the one I wanted! I'm so sorry Tyler, understand: I was so confused and I really thought it was you I should have trusted you, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I wasn't quite understanding either, I get angry way too easily over things like that. Hope you like the bracelet."

She smiled and as we looked at each other with loving eyes we were both thinking: "Kosko's a pigeon, principal's a pigeon, secretary's a pigeon, whole school is full of pigeons and we outsmart them all!" Mouahahaha!

"Oh Tyler, how could I have doubted your love?"

With that, the now confused principal was now massaging his gray temples, probably had a headache with all our bullshit.

"Well, since all seems resolved, you both can return to your class. There's still 10 minutes left."

We left, arm under arm, both smiling. Madison rushed to the school secretary and told her the whole story (aka: both at a party, she mistakes me for another, she's mad and I insult her instead of being understanding and explein myself calmly, she thinks it's the proof of my guilt and pours her head off in front of the principal but then the principal in his great illumination shows us the light to truth and we both forgive each other for getting angry over nothing).
I'm actually amazed we came up with something almost coherent in the end: just to show my pride lets do a little recap once more: ... No, don't worry, I'm to lazy to tell the whole sham again, let Madison deal with the talking.
The secretary was now looking at the both of us with tender eyes and smiling, she gave us a pass and said:
"Take your time, emotions need time to settle down."

We got out of the office, walked a little and burst out laughing. We couldn't hold it any longer. We never thought they'd believe it but they did. It was crazy and exhilarating. I'd never had so much fun in my life with another person. Like I said, I'm a lone wolf, but this girl was reaching to me, and the more I knew her, the more I didn't want her to leave me alone anymore.
The second I thought that, I suppressed said thought of my mind, the possibility of me needing someone was ridiculous. I needed only myself, I trusted no one, definitely not the gushy part of my brain that said: "she's totally your type, you should tell her you love her." There wasn't no such thing as love. There was passion on one side, enslavement on the other. My father couldn't stand the servitude, so he left to live the life of a free man. He made his choice a little too late but at least he chose freedom.
I will never let myself become a slave.

I got home, all I wanted to do is take a nap, then maybe I'd Sparknote that stupid book. Wrong, my sister jumped to my face in hysterical mode:

"Oh my God! Ty, I've heard the rumors, you broke Madison Lime's heart? And then you both went to the principal's office only to discover you were innocent all along and you gave her this diamond bracelet and she passionately kissed you for your loyalty? It's crazy! Where did you get the money? And the time, when did you buy it? You didn't go out last week-end and no weird mail package had you name on it? I'm so not surprised it's Madison, but hey, when we had our conversation on girls, were you actually going out with her? Why didn't you tell me? You asshole, I hate you! But I'm so happy, you finally have a girlfriend..."

Damn, I'd completely forgot that my sister would probably know about the whole story, I was so screwed. Plus, the rumors were totally wrong!
I was tortured between telling her the truth so she wouldn't annoy me or letting her believe a lie. Because here's the dilemma: if I tell her the truth, if she doesn't immediately tell the whole school about our sham and let the principal know, she'll use it as a leverage to manipulate me! But if I let her believe I have a girlfriend, she'll be so annoying...

I opted for the second choice, if my sister ever has a leverage on me, she'll use it, in the most terrible ways. Plus, she'll probably want revenge for lying to everybody (and consequently to her).
"It's no big deal, I didn't want you to know because I knew you'd have that kind of reaction."

"What? So you don't trust me? I promise I won't tell Mom, I'm so happy, you'll have to introduce her to me. Promise?"

"Um... No, she'll probably brake up with me if she ever sees your scary-hysterical psycho face."

"Nothing will taint my joy Ty, I'm just so happy, finally, I'll have the sister I've always wanted!"

"Just say it, you wanted to get rid of me ever since I was born because you were afraid I'd grow up into a chauvinistic male and shove all your feminist principals up your ass."

"Exactly, I wanted a sister. Always have, actually, I tried to exchange you with a girl but I was to young and you slipped of my arms..."

"And I hit my head on the floor and that's why I'm such a retard, I know the story. But I can't help but think, you were really stupid if you thought you could exchange me with another baby, don't you think."

"What are you insinuating?"

"Well, at least if I'm stupid, I have a reason: you dropped me; but sorry to say but you are a stupid-idiotic retard from birth, tragic isn't it?"

"Get out of my way Tyler, before I kill you."

I went up to my room, grinning, the best way of making my sister go back to normal is to insult her 4.0 intelligence. She hates that.

The next Saturday, I was at the mall. What was I doing in hell? Simply accomplishing my dare. I didn't think Madison would be so torturing.

"Here's the topo: I promised I'd accompany my cousin: July for the up-coming sales. She lives in Florida, she comes up here once a year and once a year she spends her day shopping for her new winter wardrobe outfits. I have absolutely no wish to accompany her this time, so you'll do it for me, if you don't: your a dimwit."
I looked at her with wide eyes, it there was one thing that terrified me; it was sales at the mall.

"Oh, and your information, her credit card is full, she's planning to walk all day long and she's going to buy at least half a million stuff, that's why she needs a bag carrier. That is: you."

"You'll pay for this Lime, you will pay." I grumbled.

She giggled as she said:
"It is exactly 9.30, July should be arriving any minute."

As she said that, a small bobbing blond-head with fly-sunglasses walking on heals so high they looked like springs showed up, I glared at Madison for one last time. What was I getting myself into? Part of my reason, actually most of my reason, was begging me to run while it was still time. But part of me just had to stay, at least to impress Madison, and I never run away from a dare. Never. So I stayed.

"July!" screamed the traitor.

"Dixon!" screamed the blond sales-eater.

Dixon? What a weird nickname. I watched them fall into each other's arms and Madison introduced me. Oh, and by the way, to really have a good excuse to not go shopping with her dear cousin, the lying traitor simulated a sprang ankle: "Oh dear, July, I'm so sorry, I can't go with you because I can't walk but I convicted my friend to replace me, do you mind?"

"July: this is Tyler, Tyler: this is July."

"Introduce people with thoughtfull details." She said, smiling.

"Oh: Tyler, July is my fair cousin from the South ready for a shopping-spree; July, Tyler is my pal in mischief and always a good dare-looser." They both bursted into laughter and I had no idea why, I don't think I even want to know so I didn't ask.

The 'fair cousin' turned towards me:
"Oh! I'm so pleased to meet you, can I call you Ty? Thanks, we're going to have loads of fun... Well, maybe you won't, because as I understood it you didn't really have a choice, but I'm so glad you've accepted!"

I just nodded. Yey, I'm going to have do much fun... I'm going to kill Madison.

"Okay, so we'll get going. You going home, Dixon?"

"Yeah, I just brought Tyler here so that I could do the link between you and him. I'm going home."

"Well, see you later then!"

And we left. I was dragging my feet. I had taken caution though: I was wearing a baseball cap, a large sweatshirt and baggy jeans. And glasses. I was scanning the crowd, if I ever spotted somebody I know, I was ready to plunge into hiding. I knew if I was recognized, I was socialy dead. Pretending like I'm in love with a crazy hat is one thing, taking her cousin on sales at the mall is totally another: from lone wolf I'd go to dependent puppy. I shivered, the thought of it was just terrifying.

As the sales-eater was getting ready to enter a shop, she stopped and turned towards me:
"You really don't want to be here, right?"

I'd promised myself that I wouldn't address a single word to her but I couldn't help but answer:
"Totally right."

"You don't really want to talk or get to know me."


"You'd rather die than somebody find you in this position, and you'd prefer avoiding the typical 'oh what a devoted boyfriend, he's taking his girlfriend to the mall, how sweet. He must be really addicted to her and she knows it' comments?"

I didn't even answer, I just shivered.

"Okay, it's settled than. Follow me."

I followed her into a nearby 'tuxedo rental' shop. What the hell?

"Here's my plan: you are my bodyguard. You scan the crowd (what you already do quite well), stay back and carry my bags. In exchange, I pay for the bodyguard outfit and if anyone ever recognizes you (I highly doubt it though), I'll explain that there must be a mistake because you are Ian, my Russian bodyguard and you just have to glare (in the one-step-further-and-you-die way). The fright of their life."
It seemed fair, but not for her, a tuxedo is expensive and in exchange I did exactly what I was doing before.

"I can't accept..."

"Don't say that, I'm mostly being selfish: I do not want to ever be seen with a depressed-looking, geek-like, weird guy trailing like a puppy behind me."

She smiled, at that moment, I think I truly discovered that not all girls are like my sister and some are even nice. But still: geek-like weirdo? Me? I was going to burn these "clothes" as soon as I get home.
She chose a black tux for me, just the right size and in 5 minutes, we were out.

"I've always dreamed to have a James Bond-like bodyguard!" She said dreamily. The girl knew how to boost a guy's ego. "Now, to the sales!" She also knew how to depress him to the point of absolute misery.
I sighed and we started our 8 hour long torture journey.

Actually, it wasn't as horrible as I thought. (I dreaded that the girl would talk to me, and complain because she's ugly, and take me to the place of doom, and laugh while throwing her hair back looking like she's having a standing orgasm, and try to grab my arm and stick to me like I'm her boyfriend or something: that in my mind was terrifying torture. TV series carry horrible clichés.)

She just walked into a shop, chose clothes, tried them on, took pictures of the outfits she liked best, send them via text messages to her friends in Florida, buy it when she got their approval, all that while talking on the phone about things and didn't even want to hear. She left me alone, and bought my lunch. That kind of did a lot to improve my mood. She barely ate at all, just a sad salad and a couple fries. But she drank latte after latte, she always had a latte in her hand (preferably Starbucks) and just walked around the mall in high heals. How was she not dead? Maybe lattes contain some sort of drug that gives you energy because I had never seen anyone so dynamic in my life. She was like a jumping bean or something... No! A Yoda, Yoda into fighting mode, yeah, I know: she's that awesome.

Personally, I was ready to kill someone, it was 4.30 and she still had to buy a prom dress and accessories. She had half a million clothes but she needed a ridiculously long ugly expensive dress that she'll only wear once in her life. Who said that prom was the second most important day of a girl's life after her wedding? It's stupid.

"Ask him? Ok, Ian?" What? She was talking to me? Seemed like she had taken affection in my awesome Russian bodyguard name.

"What do you think would be a nice color for me?"

"Night blue." I let out in my most blasé tone of voice (actually, I have no idea where that answer came from, but nevermind.)

"Night blue." She repeated in her cell phone to her friend at the end of the line. She paused. I was just letting my mind go blank when suddenly:

"What he's like? Well, I'd say over 6 feet, black hair, clear eyes, looks hard and cold, bright smile and his back... Nothing to say..."

I raised my eyebrows and I motioned that I could hear her just fine but she laughed silently. Yeah, way to make fun of the idiotic Russian bodyguard.

"A badass? Naw, he's nice guy: you know the leather jacket, torn jeans type of guy... Yep, square jaw and messy hair... You got it."

I was starting to feel a bit embarrassed but what did I care, I'd probably never see July again and her friend didn't even know my real name. But before I could hide, the sales-alien snapped a picture and send it to her friend. Damn those multi-function phones!

"I know right? A hot guy in a tux...Wow... is it that bad? I can give him the phone."

I gestured a exaggerate NO! But she shoved the phone in my face, I swore I wouldn't utter a word to the weird friend from Florida.

"Hey there, James Ian Bond."


"The bodyguard idea was genius, totally genius. God, I should've placed a bet on it! I'm sure I would've won..."

"Was it your idea? The joke about me and my (awesome) looks, you almost made me freak out about it."

"Totally, but but don't be mistaken, your awesome looks as you say could suffer a terrible blow if ever anyone found out about the geek outfit you were wearing today..."

"Oh no, you are not going to put pressure on me with a stupid picture. I don't even care... How long have you been talking to your cousin?"

"Oh, not that long, what is she doing?"

"Simply innocently looking at prom dresses while pretending she is absolutely not listening to us." The sales-eater shot me a glare and then her hand flew to her mouth and she fluttered her lashes, acting as if she was offended I doubted her integrity.

"Nothing new then, I have an idea... Uh, shoot, I have to go... Mom's calling must never be ignored if I want to avoid capital punishment... Bye!"

"Dixon..." She hung up.

I just stood there for a second until I intercepted July's wide shark smile. You know, the kind that you see on the man-eater shark's face when they're getting to dinner, it's never a good sign.

"You like her."

"No, I don't." Ice-cold voice, my sister did teach me a couple cool tricks.

"Fine, fine. You don't like her."

I was reassured, I didn't want to have that kind of conversation with a stranger, it was hard enough with my sister.

"But you should ask her out..."

There it was, I knew it was to easy to be true. I decided to cut the conversation short.

"Sure, I'll go out with her just to see how it works. We have a deal."

July's face was priceless.
"Wha... How did... I was preparing for a long argumentation... You just... agree..."

"Yeah, I knew I'd have to face a long and annoying conversation where you'd eventually manage to convince me by crying or something like that, I've got a sister at home that does that act quite well and both of us have no time to lose, so get moving and find a dress. Let it be done for."

Actually, I had no desire to ask Madison out, but at least the sales-eater would leave me alone about that. I hated being questioned in the romance department.
July's blissful smile made me feel a bit guilty, but not enough to make me change my mind.

July tried a couple dozen of hideous dresses before settling on a hideous (night blue) gown. We both went back home separately and I deliberately ignored all my sister's questions. I borrowed a bunch of movies starring Ewan McGregor and asked my mom to give them to Maureen. She'd be occupied for at least a day with those crappy things and she'd leave me alone. God, sometimes I really give thanks to that guy, I mean who else could keep my sister busy in front of a screen for over a day, huh? No one.

The next day, I woke up, thinking of Madison. What the heck had July done to my head? First my sister then July, what was up with people?
Anyway, I went to school, determined to let no emotion bother me.

That was until I saw her run. Madison wasn't really my type: she was strawberry-blondish, and she had green eyes but for the rest it was totally it.
That morning, I was late for first period (as usual) when Madison bolted past the entrance: she didn't even look at me. She ran down the hallway towards me and I don't know, I was totally hypnotized. What. The. Fuck. What was wrong with me? Damn, she had long legs. Nice long legs, in black sport shorts. I shook my head the moment she dashed past me waving briefly.
Madison hated shoes, she always wore the old crappy sneakers of her brother's and they were way to big for her. And, what a coincidence, while waving at me, she tripped over air and lost a shoe. She turned around in a graceful move and my brain went numb: long, bare, strong legs. Fuck.

I picked up the shoe in a haze (if anyone has the guts to even think of a fairytale or just imagine any word having to do with "cliché" and "little glass shoe" go to hell!) and called her. She turned towards me and she saw the shoe: she simply grinned. She came up closer waiting for me to hand it to her. That's where I don't really have a clear idea of what happened.

If you were waiting for a really awesome romantic scene, well, you're kind of in the wrong place because I barely remember anything. I just remember that I felt like I was in a parallel (very blurry) world and I think I'll regret a lot of things. I think I asked her out, and it's possible we even kissed. But seriously, I have no comment on what happened.

Wait! I think I brought her home in my car (MY ford, I'm always so careful with people entering my car, this time I wasn't even aware of the fact she changed my music to some cheesy classical thingy: how could I've been zoning out so much?) Anyway, Maureen met her and they spend an hour talking 6 feet away from me whispering like five year olds, way to be mature, girls.

Now I'm playing Call of Duty. I'm waiting for her to call. I've started the first level five times and I keep getting killed, my sister is making fun of me and I want to kiss Dixon. What a pathetic lone wolf I am. But I guess even wolves are supposed to fall in love at some point, right?

Okay, so tell me how this went, I don't really like my ending but... enjoy!