James (December 19, 2007)

When I was a little kid I used to take a pen and write things around my house. It would always be in really hidden places, like underneath tables or behind closet doors. I would make sure my parents weren't home because if I got caught I'm sure my dad would have given me a spanking or something. I wouldn't write anything important…just little secrets or random things that happened to me that day. As I got older I started to write dates. Like the date Tallie and I first got together. Or the Christmas that I got my first camera and the day Aaron and I skipped school together. We got in so much trouble for that but it was one of the best days I've ever had. I don't know how we thought we could pull it off. His dad is the freaking principle.

Chapter 05 James

It was Monday and James was sat in third period Geography class. It was the longest class of the day because it was the one right before lunch. The teacher, Mr. Sav, had the most boring, monotonous voice ever and James just did not have the focus to listen to him drone on about the wind systems.

When they got to work with each other in class it could be quite fun though, because James shared the class with Tallie, Aaron, and Ty, and they always got to partner up. He and his friends weren't necessarily popular, but they definitely weren't the most unpopular kids either. They kind of just stuck to their own little world. Some of them were more well-known than others, like Ty, whom everybody loved because he was so full of energy. Or there was Tallie and Melissa, who were both very popular with the boys…not that James had to worry about that because Tallie was not the type of girl to have a wandering eye. And then there was Kaiden, a recent addition to the school's gossip circles. James hadn't had the opportunity to really get to know him just yet, but he seemed really cool and likeable. If Audrey hadn't already "claimed" him, Kaiden would probably be hanging out with all the popular kids.

Everybody else in their group, James included, kind of just floated in the middle of high school hierarchy. James was part of the basketball team, but he didn't really fit in with most of the guys on it. He mostly did it to make it seem like he was involved in school activities. His real passion was photography.

"Mr. Sav?" James heard Aaron's voice pipe up from the seat next to him. The whole room turned to look at the redhead. "May I be excused to the restroom, please?"

Mr. Sav pushed his glasses closer to his eyes. Whenever he was interrupted he would lose his train of thought for quite a while. "Alright, then. But hurry back or you'll miss an important lesson."

Aaron smiled politely and walked toward the door, but not before dropping a note on James' desk. James pushed the note into his lap, hoping nobody saw. When Mr. Sav went back to lecturing, James unfolded the piece of paper. There was one word scribbled on it.

Locker room.

James looked around the room.

"Uh…Mr. Sav?" he said, raising his hand. Mr. Sav groaned and looked up from his notes.

"Yes, James?"

"I feel kind of ill. Can I go to the nurse, please?" James said, trying to pull a sickly face. "I kinda feel like I might throw up."

"Right, right, just go."

James got out of his seat and saw that Tallie was glaring at him from across the room. She knew he was faking. Ty must have known too, because he was snickering into his book. His friends knew him too well. Still, he walked out the room and ran down the corridor to see what Aaron had wanted in the locker room.

PE classes were always at the end of the day, and sports were after school, so when James found Aaron sitting on one of the locker benches, he was the only one in there.

"Picked the lock, again?" He asked, taking a seat next to his friend. Aaron nodded. "So, why are we here?"

"It was so dull in there I thought I was going to die." Aaron said, taking a chocolate bar out of his pocket. "I got this from the new vending machines. Split?"

James broke the bar in half and took a bite. They didn't do this too often, but they had never been caught before. Teachers get so wrapped up in their lectures they don't always notice when a kid doesn't come back from the bathroom.

"Tallie is going to be pissed at me." James said. "She was giving me the dirtiest glare."

Aaron laughed. Tallie wasn't the cleverest girl in the world, but she tried really hard in school. Sadly, she usually made C grades no matter how hard she studied. "It's alright, I'm sure you two will have lots of study sessions to make up for whatever you missed."

James groaned and tossed the wrapper in the trash bin. He hated studying, especially with Tallie. She was like a time bomb the entire time.

"So, Melissa told me that the girls all spent the night at her house on Saturday." Aaron said, looking at James with his giant green eyes. James hadn't known about that. It was probably in the message Tallie left him, but he hadn't listened to it yet. Nor had they had a chance to talk since. "She said that Tallie told them you two haven't slept together."

James heart stopped. "Oh? What did she say about it?"

Aaron shrugged. "Just that you didn't want to do it with her. Is that true?"

"Um…yeah. I'm not really ready for that, you know?" James couldn't help but feel a little bit upset at Tallie for telling the girls. That was their private business.

"Hm. You sure are different from the average teenage boy." Aaron replied, dragging out the sentence. James watched Aaron dig into his pocket once more and pull out a lighter.

"Hey!" he said, snatching it from him. "Are you stupid? The fucking smoke detectors will go off."

"Oh, right."

"Besides, you shouldn't smoke anyways. This crap will kill you."

"I didn't know you cared so much."

"Of course I care. What's wrong with you?"

Aaron didn't say anything and shifted his eyes to the floor. James sighed. He ran his hand through his light brown hair and put Aaron's lighter back into his own pocket. Silence fell between the two of them. Usually James found silence comfortable when it came to Aaron, and he never felt like he had to say anything to break it. This time however, he could sense something was different. Aaron kept his eyes towards the ground, and James couldn't help but be bothered by the hair covering Aaron's eyes. He paused his hand before in front of Aaron's bangs, before gently pushing them to the side. He let his hand wander through his hair. He felt Aaron stiffen.

"Do you keep secrets from me?" James asked, softly. It killed him to think his best friend didn't know he cared about him. James probably cared about Aaron more than he did anybody else. It was always the two of them.

Aaron closed his eyes. James couldn't help but notice how long his eyelashes were. It was always a joke between their group that Aaron was prettier than most girls.

It was then that the bell rang, signaling lunchtime, and breaking the boys out of their silence. Aaron shoved James' hand away.

"Don't touch me!" He shouted, standing up. James stood up as well. He was so confused. "Do I keep secrets from you?"

"Why are you-"

"You don't even tell me what's going on in your life anymore! I have to hear everything from Melissa…which basically means whatever Tallie decides to tell her."

"Well maybe all of should keep your mouths shut." James mumbled. Aaron rolled his eyes.

"I don't keep secrets from you. Maybe you should update me once in a while. You know, when you're not busy not having sex with your girlfriend."

Just as James was about to respond, the entire football team piled into the locker room. James looked at his friend with hurt eyes. Aaron always knew exactly what to say when he wanted to hurt somebody. Aaron stormed out of the locker room, giving James a final glare.

James was so angry and so frustrated with himself. He always screwed up. He would go find Tallie at lunch, and they would settle this. He slammed his fist into a locker before walking out of the room, ignoring the complaints of the football team.

At their usual lunch spot, Aaron had already found a seat between Kaiden and Daniel, and the three of them were laughing over something on Daniel's phone. James rolled his eyes. Of course Aaron was quick at pretended nothing was wrong. He sat down next to Tallie, like usual, and Melissa took that as her cue to leave his girlfriend and him alone.

"Hi babes!" Tallie, said, wiping her hand off on a napkin. She was eating a homemade sandwich. "I'll totally forgive you for ditching me in Geography if you tell me what you and Aaron were up to."

"Nothing, hon. We just couldn't take how boring Sav was." He said, kissing her cheek. He didn't know if he wanted to confront her about what she had told the girls. It would cause a huge fight between Tallie and Melissa, and James just couldn't handle more drama this week. It was only Monday. "What are you doing after school?"

"Oh…um…I was going to look over my flashcards for the math exam tomorrow."

"How about you come over instead?" James suggested. He put his arms around his girlfriend, scooting her closer to him. She smiled.

"Yeah…okay." She said, softly.

"My parents won't be home so…"

"Oh. Oh! Right." Tallie giggled. "You know, I think I'm going to end lunch early. I forgot I have to talk to Principle Willow about something."

James raised his eyebrows, but didn't question her. They shared a quick kiss and Tallie gathered all her stuff. He watched her grab Melissa by the arm as they walked out of the lunchroom. He was going to try to go farther in his relationship with Tallie tonight, and he was really nervous about it. He looked down at his lunch tray and instantly lost his appetite. He had no idea what he was doing.

"Hey, Daniel, have my pizza." He said, walking over to the boys. "I noticed you forgot your lunch again."

He set the tray on the table, gave Aaron a pointed look, and made his way out the lunch room. He heard Kaiden and Daniel ask Aaron what was wrong with him as he walked away.

It was time. Tallie was sitting on his bed. James was sitting at his desk, and they were just staring at each other. He noticed she had changed before coming over, redone her makeup and hair. She looked nice. James hadn't thought to change his clothes…he was still in his frumpy sweater from school.

He could hear the ticking of his clock, every second passing by felt like hours. She started to play with the ends of her hair. What was he supposed to do? Sit closer to her was a start. He never found it difficult to make out with her, but just knowing that it was supposed to lead to something more really scared him.

James walked over to his bed and sat down next to her. She really was beautiful. Tallie, with her soft blonde hair, pink lips and glittery eyes…she looked so fragile. She was probably just as scared as he was. He leaned in to kiss her. His lips moving softly against hers. He felt her hands cup his face and move their way up to run through his hair. They broke away for hair and leaned their foreheads against each other. He smiled at her, reassuringly. He could do this. Everybody did this. They've been together for almost two years. He owed it to her to give her this part of himself.

He slowly pushed her down, so he was leaning over her. Kissing her again, he hovered his hand over her chest. She sat up, removing her blouse and skirt so that she was just in her underwear. James swallowed and took off his t-shirt. He was starting to feel sick, when the door to his room burst open.

"I lied; I am keeping something from you, that's why-oh. Oh, shit."

Aaron was standing in his door way, looking absolutely shocked. Tallie grabbed James' blanket to cover herself. All three of them were silent, not knowing what to do.

"Sorry, I'll leave now." Aaron turned to go.

"No, don't bother. I'm leaving." Tallie said, putting her clothes back on.

"Tallie-"

"No, James! This is ridiculous." She cried. She was tearing up now. "I don't know what to do anymore…I thought-"

"Tal, he'll leave!" James said, grabbing her hand.

"Yeah, Tallie, I'm leaving."

"It's okay. You obviously have something important to talk about. I don't want to get in the way." She said, she was full on crying now, making Aaron and James really uncomfortable. She walked across the room to grab her purse and coat.

"I really wanted to do this, you know." James said, quietly. Tallie took a deep breath.

"James, you were getting paler and paler. Let's not pretend okay? You don't want me…at least not like that."

"I do! I don't know what wrong with me!"

"I'm gonna go wait downstairs…"

"Just stay, Aaron. I'll talk to you tomorrow, James."

Neither of them protested as she walked out of the room, and James feels that maybe he should have put more effort into making her stay. He was so mad at himself. He was mad at Aaron for not knocking, but he was also relieved he didn't have to go through with it. He was an awful boyfriend.

"How did you get in here? Picking at more locks?"

"I was sitting on your doorstep; feeling like shit for freaking out earlier, and Sammy came home and let me in."

"Crap, my brother's home?"

"It's alright, I don't think he heard anything…the TV is really loud."

James groaned, and leaned back on his bed.

"Can I come in, then?"

He felt the bed dip next to him, and felt Aaron throw his t-shirt on his chest. Oh yeah. He was half naked. James grabbed his pillow and screamed into it, as loud as he could go. He didn't care anymore; he was tired of hiding how worthless he was feeling.

"I'm such a bad boyfriend." He muttered, pillow still over his face. He heard Aaron sigh.

"You can't help how you feel." He said, taking the pillow of off James' face. "If you're not ready don't do it. It's simple."

"No, no it's not simple. She wants to and she's embarrassed by me."

"James. Sit up."

He followed his friend's orders, and noticed his appearance for the first time. Aaron's eyes were bloodshot.

"Have you been crying?"

"What? No! I'm not…" Aaron rubbed his eyes. "Allergies…you love Tallie, right?"

"Yes…I really love her. She's amazing." James said, thinking about his girlfriend. She was the perfect girl and anybody would be jealous of him. He was actually beginning to be afraid that she'd leave him.

"And you're attracted to her?"

"Yeah. She's beautiful. And so kind."

"So…why is it so hard to sleep with her?"

James really didn't know. He loved her, he was pretty sure of it. He didn't really have anything to compare it to. She was his first and only girlfriend.

"I'm not sure I love her." He admitted, voice cracking. "I don't think I even know what it means to love someone."

He heard Aaron take in a deep breath. "Well, it's supposed to feel…natural. Effortless, you know? But also kinda crazy. Like you can't live without them. It's a bunch of ups and downs…if it's flat, I'm not sure it's considered love. Does that sound familiar?"

James laughed. "It sounds like me and you."

"We are best friends. That's a kind of love, too." Aaron smiled. His voice was so soft and vulnerable.

"You said you had something to tell me?"

"Oh. Um, I want to apologize for earlier. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"Man." James groaned, "Tallie thinks I'm not giving her enough attention, you think I'm not giving you enough attention…if I'm paying attention to neither of you, then what the fuck have I been doing?!"

"No! Stop, calm down. In the locker room…I was getting defensive because I have been hiding something from you. And you're right, we don't keep secrets."

"You can tell me anything you know." James said, taking Aaron's hand. "You don't have to be worried."

"Well…I haven't told anybody yet, besides Melissa because she figured it out…um…shit."

"Please tell me."

"You promise you won't hate me? You'll still be my friend?"

"Of course, Aaron. Tell me, you're making me nervous."

Aaron gripped his hand so tight; James tried not to wince in pain.

"I'm-I'm pretty sure…I like boys. Like, I'm attracted to them."

James was taken by surprise. Something in that confession hit him hard, and he couldn't figure it out. It was like the air had been taken out of his body. Aaron was looking at him with hopeful eyes and James wanted to just hug his friend forever.

"Please say something."

"I-I'm fine with it." James said, pulling Aaron into him. "You're still you. I don't care who you're attracted to."

He felt Aaron's shoulders shake and his teardrops hitting his wrist as he hugged him. "Thank you…"

"Hey, don't cry." James took Aaron by his cheeks and made him face him. James took his thumbs and wiped away his tears. This just made Aaron cry harder, and James slightly lifted him and put his friend in his lap. Aaron sobbed into his shoulder, grasping the back of James' hair. He closed his eyes and just rubbed circles on Aarons back. Something about this moment made James feel like he had electricity running through his veins. Aaron clinging to him felt like fire. Everything about Aaron was like fire, and James was becoming more and more sure he was addicted to it. They sat like that until Aaron's crying had died down, and he pulled away.

"Give me your arm." Aaron said, taking James' arm and pulling out a marker from his bag. James felt the felt tip of the pen touch his skin. He looked down to see what Aaron had written.

Love is old, love is new

"You and your lyrics." James said, smiling. Aaron let out a little laugh and wiped away the leftovers of his tears. He smiled back at James. In that moment, with teary eyes, holding his wrist and giving him a little smile, James was positive that Aaron was the most beautiful person in the world.