2Insomnia
March 20, 2011; 1:27 AM
Tick, tock... Tick, tock... Tick, tock...
I'm lying on my stomach, sprawled out on my bed, attempting to sleep, but failing miserably. This cycle of seemingly never ending insomnia is threatening to drive me insane.
It's well past midnight. I should be in a peaceful slumber by now, but as always I can not stop the string of thoughts running through my head faster than should be possible. These thoughts are brought about, I believe, because of my abnormal sensitivity, and my ability to be easily distracted.
My Hello Kitty clock ticks far too loudly; the light from my alarm clock is much too bright; lights from other rooms in the house are seeping through the crack under my bedroom door; light is shining through my blind-covered windows, which makes no sense seeing as it's the middle of the night; its either too hot or too cold, and for me putting one leg under the blanket and one leg outside of it never works because I get tangled in the sheets; the sound of the TV in the living room is loud and clear to me, even though my brother is clearly trying to keep the volume down; the sound of my father snoring louder than I think sounds healthy is audible through the paper thin wall of our adjacent bedrooms.
These things alone could drive a person mad, in my opinion. Add to that my racing thoughts brought on by all of these distractions (not to mention life in general) and I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.
Thoughts about loneliness, because I don't talk to any of my friends anymore.
Thoughts about my future, with graduation only three months away I worry whether or not I am ready and worry about what comes next.
Thoughts about my mother and my grandmother, wondering if they are in heaven, or wherever you go when you die, looking down on me.
Thoughts about if they are disappointed in me and think that I am a failure, as I feel I am.
Thoughts about my teacher, I should say my inappropriate thoughts about him, besides the fact that he is married and I am not yet of legal age.
Thoughts about whether I am a "normal" seventeen year old girl, and if being normal is good or bad.
Thoughts about my family, a family that never felt whole to begin with, but seems to be falling apart even more so lately.
Thoughts about me, my life, and how no matter how hard I try, I am simply not happy and I can't seem to love myself.
All of these thoughts, and more, swim around in my head for hours as I toss and turn, hoping beyond all hope that I can get peace, even if just for an hour. But, as I have come to expect, sleep rarely comes.
And on the rare occasion that it does, that peace never lasts. Once I wake up I never feel better, and once I come back to reality, I feel, if possible, worse, because I know that it will never end.
I drag myself though another day, feeling almost dead inside, and repeat the process when I lie in bed at night.
Tick, tock... Tick, tock... Tick, tock...
A/N: Okay, so this is just a little thing I wrote in about an hour as I try to go to sleep. I guess it's sort of non-fiction in the sense that I wrote this based of the the thoughts I was having, and it is directly relative to myself in a way. But I just felt I needed to get it out, and I thought it came out pretty good, so I'm posting it. I'd love to hear what you guys have to say, so please let me know, I'd really appreciate it.