1Camden Lazenby
Mrs. Kushner
QA #3
17 March 17, 2011
"Gorgeous"
Camden Lazenby
I watch my feet as I walk forward. The floor is white… spotless white. We don't let things get dirty here. It's not how it works, but behind that door is… my biggest fear.
Her….I miss her... I can't wait to see her face again, her beautiful long flowing hair, her gorgeous deep green eyes, and that charming smile of hers.
BAM! I walk right into the door, as I got lost in my thoughts. Ugh my minds going crazy! I just need to see her. I can't stand it! I need to be with her, I need to feel my arms wrapped around her, as a warm protecting blanket.
She deserves better than this, she does! It's not her fault she's here…well its no ones fault, but still! I just want to open this door, run up to her, hold her, and we can cry to our hearts content.
If I want to see her so bad why haven't I opened the door? I know I should, the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be. Or maybe I'm stalling because I'm afraid… but afraid of what? I'm not afraid of her, and she's all that I'll find inside that room. Maybe I'm afraid because I know that I may not find the same girl I once loved. If she doesn't remember me, then I don't know what I'll do. Will she trust me? Will she be naïve again, like the way she was when I first met her? What if she remembers though? Will she resent me for not fighting harder for her? I wouldn't blame her for being mad at me, but at the same time I know there was nothing I could do, it happened to fast and it was too confusing to know what I should have done. I just tried to protect her…..to protect us…. This is stupid, I'm stalling… I just need to relax…
Deep breaths…
In…
Out…
Ok…
I'm ready…
I tentatively wrap my fingers around the cold door knob. I twist it to the right. I breathe in, and push the door open.
There she is… She's sitting on an old leather couch across the empty, barren room. Her posture is perfect, it always was, but right now her posture displays her nervousness. It's easy to tell, she'll sit with her back as straight as a ruler, and she'll always gently stroke her hand with the opposite thumb. It's just like her… discreet… calm… and gorgeous…
I feel chills run up my numb arms like tiny spiders, scurrying along, trying to make it back to their web inside my heart. I'm gifted the chills, as I realized she's staring right at me. I thought she was the one going to feel weird? All I'm feeling right now is awkwardness…
"Hey," I breathe out, hardly moving my lips. I can't help it I feel nervous! Should I feel nervous? She loves me right? Hopefully… and I… love… her to… right?
She opens her mouth and lets out a quiet, "Hey…"
I love that voice! I can't stand it, but what does it mean? What does it mean! She said, "hey" does that mean she remembers me? Is it even possible? I need to know!
The train rattled gently as I sat down in my seat. I'd been wearing a stained white T-shirt, and I hadn't shaved in days. I looked scruffy, but it was a vacation for me. I didn't care if I looked bad. I stowed my backpack under the seat, and popped in my walk man, with Rush' 2112 album playing as I ease myself into a much needed rest.
"Attention, all passengers. Our next stop in Edinburgh will be in roughly five minutes," The stewardess tells me over the speaker system, shaking me awake. "Tourist group B will be departing at this stop, please gather all of your belongings, we hope you've enjoyed your travel with us today, and have a good afternoon." Wow I slept through the whole entire train ride? I must have really needed that sleep. I'm glad I woke up for my stop though.
"Isn't it beautiful?" an older woman says behind me, I feel the seat shift as she points out her window. I look out my window and have no doubt in my mind what she's referring to. Outside, maybe a dozen miles or more sits a snow-capped mountain. It towers above the town of Edinburgh. Its beautiful out today, there's not a cloud in the sky and no polluting haze like there is in London. I can see every detail of the mountain, it's easy for me to spot the beginning of a crystal blue river running down the mountain side, then flowing about the valley, by passing Edinburgh as it sweeps through the country side before it makes its way under us, as we pass over a centuries old stone bridge.
"Wow, you're right! Hey sweetie, look at this." Another woman responds.
"Huh? What mom?" A third girl answers sounding like she too was just waking up from a much-needed nap.
"Look at this river!"
"Don't forget look at the mountain too!" the elderly one adds in.
"It's… beautiful" the girl yawns.
Her voice has a nice sound to it… its soft and delicate but she's not a child. She sounds about my age, and with that voice, she's likely gorgeous…
"Hey…" I say again stupidly.
Yeah, that won't make it any more awkward, Idiot!
"Do you remember me?"
Stop lying to yourself. No! She doesn't remember you, or anything you ever had with her!
She stares at me, puzzled. Thinking, trying to work the dusty gears in her brain. Her green eyes stare hard into my gray solemn eyes. Her pupils are wide and dilated, but I can see through them, and inside them I see into her scared complex soul.
"What?" She answers awkwardly, as she shifts her place on the couch.
"I guess you don't then…" I mumble to myself looking back at the ground. Suddenly my feet begin to move…
Step…
Step…
I slowly walk over to her… I don't know why, but nonetheless I inch my way over to… her…
Step…
Step…
Before I know it, I'm looming over her. Damn… this is awkward…
"Can I get some Haggis for these ladies right here?" I ask a waiter, as we order our round of appetizers.
"Oh Harry, you don't need to do that." Betsy, the elderly woman says.
"Lilly! Can you please try to socialize?" Allison, her mother says, mocking her.
Lilly… She's staring right at me… It's adorable! Her lips curve up, with her eyes fixated on me.
"It's fine," I smile, "So Lilly, what's Northwestern like?" I ask trying to make a light conversation.
"Oh um…" It's evident I make her nervous.
"Well what are you majoring in?" I continue, smiling back at her.
"I haven't completely decided yet, but I'm thinking I'm going to be an English major, and then I'll go after my teaching degree." Lilly tells me, before taking a sip of her wine.
"That's interesting. Do you know what age you want to teach?" I ask, watching as she places the wine back down with her silk smooth fingers.
"I'm not sure yet. I love kids, but I think I want to be able discuss more than simple grammar in my class."
"Well I can't blame you on that one," I chuckle.
"So you're studying at the University of London?" She asks, as she's starting to feel more comfortable in the conversation.
"Yup," I say proudly, "I'm majoring in Pre-modern history. So basically everything before the American Revolution," I smile and try to keep my "cool" as I tell her. I don't want her to think I'm too much of a nerd. I glance over at Betsy, and Allison. Both of them keep shifting their looks between Lilly and me. I think they see some chemistry…
I look over at sleeping Lilly. We'd managed to get a seat next to each other on the train ride back. We talked for a good hour or so but soon we fell asleep together.
"Hey Lilly…" I whisper, "We're almost at Camden Town station."
"Huh?" she whimpers, trying to nozzle herself back to sleep on my shoulder.
I let her… I enjoy it too much.
"Attention Passengers!" The stewardess speaks over the intercom, "We are now arriving in Camden Town Station, tourist group B, you will depart at this stop."
"What'd she say?" Lilly asks, as she stretches out her jaw.
"We're about to get off," I say, almost laughing at her innocent sleep ridden face. "Have a nice nap?" I tease.
"I did." She smiles, as we begin to gather our belongings.
"So where are you, and your family off to?" I ask hoping I might be able to stay in her presence a bit longer.
"Well were going to shop around in Camden Town for a bit," She responds, strapping on her backpack.
"That sounds fun, you need a tour guide?" I inquire, trying to woo her over.
"Ya, know? I think we do," she smiles.
I feel like a monster… I'm King-Kong, a big ugly ape standing over this gorgeous woman…
"I love you," I shudder looking down at her long brown hair. She doesn't look up at me though, Why would she? It's common knowledge; never look a monster in the eye… Even if it would give the monster hope…
I look down at the crumbled up piece of paper. It has the number to Lilly's dorm room. She said she'd be getting back to day, and said I could call if I wanted, even though theirs a horrible time difference. I stare at the clock, (1:00 am) then back at my room mate, Benjamin. He's sprawled out on his bunk, with his head on his paper, and his clothes still on. I doubt I'll wake him up, he's a heavy sleeper.
I take a deep courageous breath and dial
1… 932…586…3467…
One dial tone… Two dial tones… Three dial tones…
I don't think she's going to pick up…
Four dial tones…
"Hello?" Lilly says over the phone.
"Lilly!" I burst out, jumping for joy.
"Harry? Hey!" she says, I can here her voice warming up.
"How are you? I ask, "Did you have a safe trip back?"
"I'm great now," she responds, "the flight back was good, I slept like a rock on it though."
"Well that can't be too much of a bad thing," I chuckle
"Na, it was good, but I liked sleeping on your shoulder better," she teases,
"Hey! Who's that?" a far away voice says, over the phone.
"Oh Melissa, I'm talking to Harry, the guy I met in England, that I was telling you about," Lilly responds.
I smile. It's sweet that she's already been telling her friends about me.
"Hey Harry?" Lilly says.
"Yeah?" I respond
"I'm gonna have to go ok?" I can hear, regret in her tone, "I'm sorry but Melissa needs me to help her study."
"Oh um ok?" I mumble feeling disappointment rising inside me, "Want me to call you again tomorrow?" I ask.
"I'd Love that," She responds still sounding happy.
"Ok,"
"Bye,"
"Bye,"
"I know you don't remember me… but I love you." I tell her this, as I crouch down to her level. I look her in the eyes, but I can see the confusion in them. I'll never be able to get her back will I? She'll never love me the way she used to. It's pointless… It's hopeless…
I decide to do something stupid… I pucker up my lips, and kiss her. Her luscious lips, she kisses me back. This surprises me, but I don't care I'm just hoping this will help her remember…
Remember us…
I stand at the top of the alter with my tux neatly pressed against my chest. My family sits in the front rows. Lilly's family sits with them. I don't look at them though, I look straight down the isle, waiting for my bride to come sweeping through the doors, in the hands of her father. I hold my breath for a dozen seconds at a time. A bead of sweat breaks across my neck and the hairs on my arms stand up.
The music starts…
Everyone stands…
The doors open…
Lilly walks in…
The sight of her, takes my breath away. It's like I've been punched in the gut. I'm watching my fiancé march down the isle towards me. Her hair is in a perm, partially hidden by her bouquet. The bouquet water falls down to her shoulders, meting the dress that complements her body perfectly. She looks gorgeous, like she always has, and always will.
It's said that one's eye's is a door way to their soul. I used to look into her eyes and see passion, safety, and intimacy. But now I see a Jig saw puzzle.
It's only the perimeter of the picture. At the top right I see a blue sky, it looked like the kind of deep blue sky you'd see in the Great Plains. I move my eyes down to the bottom right. I can make out a touch of grass, but as I start to make my way along the bottom line, I run across myself…
There's nothing that tells me it's me, but I know I in the picture. I can see the shoulder followed by the bow tie, on my tux, from my wedding day. I continue to move my eyes, and then I run into her. I see her silk dress drape across her shoulders.
Her shoulders are leaned against mine…
I keep moving my eyes, I see more grass at the bottom left, and more of the open sky in the top left, but I'm haunted. I'm seeing a picture in her eyes. A jig saw puzzle of me and her, but its incomplete. I want to reach out and finish the puzzles but theirs no more pieces in the puzzle… Finishing the puzzle is not possible…
I take a deep breath…
"I love you," I whimper. I push the hair off her forehead then I kiss it… I don't think I could kiss her lips again…
I take another deep breath…
I turn around, and begin to walk away from my Ex-wife.
Step…
Step…
Step…
I reach the door…
I open the door…
I walk thought door…
I close the door…
I make sure no ones in the hallway…
I fall to the ground and weep…