The light made the dark room blinding. My dark place was disturbed by a sound in the night, and a blinding light. When I opened my eyes I saw my cousin, James. He and his four sisters had been staying the week. A seventeen year old with a look of lust deep in his eyes. Innocent from my past years of childhood I didn't know what he had woke me up for. Closing the door my dark place returned, the place I felt safe from daddy and his fists. Mommy hits me too, but my dark place wasn't for her. It was for my daddy and one day it would be for James too. Stretching I sat up in bed and searched the dark room to see his lone figure leaning against my canopy bed post. Walking slowly over to me I smiled a sleepy smile and was thinking to myself, whatever could he want at this hour?
My eleven year old body was pushed back down gently and he crawled into bed next to me. I realized he only had his boxers on and something was wrong. I could feel the tension and it started to suffocate me.
" Now we're going to be quiet, right?" Confused about what was going on I slowly nodded.
" Good, now just lie still." I did, regretting it for the rest of my life. He put his hand slowly over my mouth putting his weight on me. My eyes bulging in pain I tried to cry out.
Taking a sharp breath I wake up, and started to cry. He haunted me in my nights and now in my head. Why James? I was so little… Sobbing I hear my mother wake up and stomp down the hall and I stop crying and her footsteps stop outside my door, opening it.
" Are you ok?" My mothers voice was a lot softer, and more slurred.
" Scarlett?" She came in and through my blurry vision I see my sister walking toward me.
" I just got home from collage, and heard you crying. What's wrong?" Her breath told me she could have gotten a DWI if caught.
" Nothing…. Just uh, dreaming." She looked to the side at me and something I had not noticed when she had walked in pressed to her head. The sloshing of the liquid on the sides told me it was a bottle of alcohol. She took the bottle from her mouth and handed it to me, while she tried to slide onto the bed. It was more off a fall but she made it, with that she nodded and I tilted the bottle up until I emptied it.
" There. I bet you feel better now." I nodded, the buzz of the alcohol was running through my body and I felt better.
" Thanks… Why are you home so early? Collage doesn't end for another few months." She shrugged,
" Eh. I wanted to see my baby sister." I smiled, she always made me feel good. I knew if she was coming home early then something was really wrong. I knew she felt bad for leaving me here and facing them. Scarlett knew everything I did, from drugs to James, she knew. She didn't blame me, but she didn't like what I did to myself.
" Scarlett…. I know there's something more, or you wouldn't be home…" I looked down and fingered my sheets.
" What. Can't I just want to see my little sister?" I gave her a look, even in the dim light she knew how I looked.
" Ok, so maybe I got expelled from collage, so what." She pulled another bottle out of her bag and opened it. Giving it to my I downed half of it in one chug, I loved the sweet fire it gave me.
" Geez, that shit is expensive, save a little for me." I hiccupped and smiled a half smile at her.
" Sorry." She chuckled,
" It's ok, I remember living here… So those dreams…. Have they been getting worse?" I looked down once more and nodded. I felt her body tense against my arm and I felt an urge to tell her about my nightmares, that they were about what happened.
" I know a girl who just graduated with a psychology degree, do you want to talk to her?" I nodded slightly, anything to dull the horrible dreams.
" Ok, I'll set up the appointment." She kind of side hugged me and got up off the bed, rather unstable. I nodded as if she could see me and pulled the covers to my chin as the door closed, making the room dark once more. You don't deserve her love, you're not a very good little sister… but she is the best older sister in the world. You should do something about yourself, I don't know, change. Do it. The voice in my head made me feel two inches tall and I knew it was right, of course Scarlett was better then me. She is the best sister, and what am I? I didn't even want to answer but my head was telling me exactly what I was. A fat, drunken, drugged up, cutting whore. That's what I am, and what I always will be. My thoughts drove me to remember last night when I saw Jason, and what he gave me. Might as well use it now, a good a time as any. I throw the sheets off and feel around under my bed until my fingers sweep across a plastic package, my fix. Smiling to myself I pick it up and walk over to my dresser, opening it. Feeling through the g- strings and bras until I felt the stone cold of the pipe. Turning on the light I pour the crystals in the pipe and light it, waiting until the crystals turned to liquid and then waiting for them to re-harden. Then finally I took a long drag and held it in, the buzz was marvelous and I exhaled. The smoke went up in a straight line, unlike weed smoke. It was fun to play with, and the more drags I took, the harder I got stoned, I felt…. better. All my memories flew out the window with the white-gray smoke. For the short time I was loopy I felt better then I had in weeks, why had I not got this sooner? Money, stupid. That's why we are low on crank. Retard. My thoughts bothered me and with another drag the thoughts too went out the window. After another ten minutes my pipe was empty, I sighed and leaned back. Smiling I watched the bugs slowly crawl under my skin. Most people freaked out and tried to get them out, but if there's bugs in me, I'm dead… that's what I want so the bugs can stay. Counting the bugs moving I slowly closed my glazed eyes and sighed a weak breath.
Why is there bright lights? A single white light engulfed my eyes and blinded me.
" She's waking up, nurse go get the family. Anna? Can you hear me? If you can please wiggle your toes." Confused I wiggled them and the doctor thanked me. I tried to talk but I couldn't remember how. Finally I croaked out a weak sound.
" Why?" My voice sounded foreign in my mouth and I was startled at the sound.
" Well, you apparently overdosed on Methamphetamine. You're father found you on the floor of your room, seemingly dead." I didn't think I took that much, how much did I put in that pipe? I couldn't remember, I was too upset. I cant remember how much crank I put in that pipe. I closed my eyes and I heard my parents feet shuffle into the hospital room. Time for you're masks. We know what's really going to happen when I go home. I should just stay here forever, I don't want to go home…
" Oh Anna! Darling… Mommy's here it's alright now." I rolled my eyes, her act was so fake I think I heard the nurse giggle, or that's my imagination. Not sure which at the moment.
" Honey, did you do it on purpose?" His voice was deep and low, as he would talk in the courtroom. I shook my head, it wasn't a suicide attempt, it was a trip. Duh. A bad trip. Right?