Chapter 1

This has been going on for years. I'm used to it now; I know how to get around it. I've given up the things that can easily distract me; we share a room so I can't ever be caught off guard. He watches me; I know he does, waiting for me to slip up. I won't let him get me again, not after last time.

"Good morning," He's in my bed, damn it, he woke up before me again. "Rise and shine." He's in my ear, whispering, he's too close, he might see. "Well, I see another part of you is up."

Shit.

I roll out of bed knowing it's a far fall, knowing it'll hurt, but I can't stay in that bed. I have to remember to change my sheets when he's not around… but he's always around. Like I said he watches me, I know he does.

I take everything with me into the bathroom; as long as I don't make too much noise he won't try anything. I hate getting changed in the bathroom, sometimes it feels even worse than being right in front of him. I try to avoid the mirror as much as possible, I don't want to see my reflection, I look too much like him.

He has a skeleton key, I know he does. He won't admit it, but than again, I won't ask. He's opened the door before, he said I left it unlocked, that it was my fault, but I didn't. I'd never make such a mistake, he knows that.

I'm ready, all I need to do is put on my sho… where are my shoes? I didn't leave them, I know I didn't, he came in while I was in the shower. Who takes somebody's shoes?

He's in the room, waiting for me. I put my things away, trying my hardest not to look as if I'm searching for my shoes.

"Looking for something?" I knew he took them. I don't look at him, he smirking at me, I can hear it in his voice. But he knows I won't look at him, so he put my shoes next to him. I glance and there they are, right next to him.

I hold my hand out. "I need to go, give me my shoes."

Shit, he standing now.

"Trade." I know what that means. I've been doing good for so long, why today, what's so special about today?

Damn, it's our birthday. I forgot.

"Forget it, keep them." I was serious. I didn't want those shoes if he was going to bribe me for them. I left the room as quickly as I could.

"Happy birthday!" She was too loud, too happy. "Where's your brother?" I try my hardest not to flinch at her question too much. She realizes and just goes back to preparing breakfast. I don't blame her, she has to fight for herself and for my sister. I don't blame her at all.

I told her when it first started and deep down I think she knew I was telling the truth, but my father just told her I was being ridiculous. I know she didn't want to listen to him, but just like my brother, he's got this air about him. This air that demands respect, for you to listen and do as he says. Like father, like son. I was just born the wrong son.

She loves me more, I know she does. She tried to take me away once. Just me and her, it was before she knew she was pregnant with my sister. It was a week after I told her what my brother did to me, we were eleven and it was as if she always knew there was something wrong with him.

She used to catch him staring at me at night, when he thought I was asleep. I always had trouble sleeping, so I knew when he was watching me, I just never said anything, I thought it was normal.

She just told me that we were going to visit grandma, I knew there was something behind what she was saying but I was too young to understand. We had to come back when she found out she was pregnant, she couldn't support the three of us by herself. My grandmother was too old to help us any, all she could do was give us a place to stay, but my mother needed more than that.

And I knew deep down that she missed him, both of them. I understand now and I thank her for that every day, she was trying to save me. Because I know she's trapped just like I am, the only difference is that she's trapped by my father… and me, by my brother.

She accepts it, I can't.

My sister gives me a card made with construction paper and markers. I smile at her. She's the only free one and I'll be damned if anything changes that.

"Thank you!" I say picking her up, "You're too sweet, you know that right?" I kiss her cheek. She and my mother are the only ones that see that smile, the only ones who can make me smile. I don't smile a lot anymore, but I try for them.

"Are you ready to eat?" I look at my mother. She knows that look. "Okay, I'll save it for later, I just thought since today is a special day, that you would…" She trailed off. She knew that I didn't eat at home. I was about to leave when I realized I still didn't have any shoes on. Shit.

I grab my bag and am about to leave when I hear heavy footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Where are you going without shoes?" His gruff voice scratches my ears.

"He took my shoes." I don't want to turn from the door, don't want to look that man in the eyes. They're just as taunting as his other sons are.

"Get 'em back." I can hear the joke in his words; it's almost as if he tells him to come into my bed. I sometimes think that in those weeks my mom and I were gone, he taught him how to torture me.

"I have a pair in my locker at school." I said, trying my hardest to keep the acid from my tone.

"Aren't those your track sneakers? You're not going around school in running shoes. Now I won't tell you again, go and get your shoes back." He's behind me now.

"Fine."

I turn around without looking at him and go back upstairs. I leave my bag outside next to the bedroom door. I can't take any chances and bring it back in the room, I know he'll take that too.

"So you didforget something." He hasn't moved from that spot, he's still standing. He knew I would come back.

"I have to go or I'll be late for practice. Give me my damn shoes." I still can't look him in the eyes. I hate his face, the way he looks at me. I hate him.

"Like I said, I'll trade you for them. Oh, and by the way, Happy Birthday."

Six years of this shit, it's nothing to celebrate.

"What do you want from me?" I knew what he wanted.

"You're not gonna say it back? Aw baby brother, I'm so hurt." He's mocking me.

Just say it back stupid!

"Happy birthday." I mumble. "Now can I get my shoes?"

"That wasn't the trade." And with those words, I'm on the floor. He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. There's no point in fighting. He always wins. I haven't given up, I've just gotten smarter. The less I fight the quicker its over. "Open your mouth."

I do as he says. I can feel his tongue now, it's in my mouth, moving around. I close my eyes and do whatever I can to keep from biting it off. I almost did once. He hit me so hard I couldn't see out of my right eye for five days.

I'm getting distracted; I didn't even realize he's undone my pants. He pushed my pants down just enough. I'm hard and he laughs. I hate him.

"You want more, don't you?" I nod. I really don't, but its either that or get hit.

I've learned it's easy to stay quiet when it something you don't want. But sometimes I wish I was loud, I wish I could cry and scream and hit him back. But I've long since stopped crying, fighting back only makes it last longer, screaming only makes them cry, both of them. My mother because she knows what happening and my sister because she doesn't. They can't help me, not even God can help me.

I can feel the muscles in my stomach tense, it's almost over. He continues to rub himself against me. He's never put it in, not yet anyway. Sometimes I joke with myself and say he's too scared too. I know that's a lie, he's just teasing me until that day comes. And I can feel it, it's going to be soon.

We finish and I'm so happy I feel like shouting, but I know better. I wipe myself off, pull up my pants, and run out of the room grabbing my shoes and bag. I run out of the house and down the block before I decide it's far enough. I fix myself, putting on my shoes and adjusting my pants. At least he didn't get any on me, that would be hard explaining to Alex.

Alex knows and he tries his best to protect me, but he knows he can't always be there. Like just now. He's there, where he always is, waiting for me. He watched me put on my shoes and button my pants.

He looks as if he wants to cry.

"Again?" He asks, his voice cracking. Before I can even say anything he pulls me into a hug. He's so warm. I just melt against him.

We walk to school in silence, his arm tight around me the whole time. We go to the locker room and change for track practice.

When it all started, I had to find something that would keep me sane, so when we got to high school I started track. I'm fast, fast enough to outrun him, just not strong enough to beat him. Not yet.