11On we go, brave and fearless!
Not everyone goes to a bar happy. Or, for that matter, not everyone stays happy, once they reach the bar. For whatever reason that is often never made apparent, certain people cause a scene and become very angry. This doesn't happen as frequently as you might imagine, but it does happen. Maybe it's the luck in the name of this place that keeps the atmosphere very friendly and relatively argument-free.
But everyone's luck runs out.
"You are a bloody waste of time!"
I lift my head, ears picking up the tone of voice that always come before a brawl. The bouncer, Emeril, knows the sound too. He hefts all 200 pounds of him around for a few seconds, hoping that his girth will both get the attention and scare the hell out of the loud-mouthed blonde man currently shrieking at a couple.
"I gave you five good months of my life, you harpy!" he goes on. "And the second you dump me, you go for this punk?"
From the confused and terrified look on her face, I wonder if the girl being insulted even knows the drunken stranger.
"Get out of her face!" the man with her protests, standing up and pushing him back. "Get out of here, man!"
This may not have been the best idea, because he pushes back, and soon I've got a fight on my hands. They're pulling at each other's collars and rolling around on the bar top, knocking over stools and throwing punches at each other's faces. I kindly remove the glasses out of their way so there is no unnecessary injury or clean up on my part. That, and the cost of these glasses add up. I have an apartment to keep paying the rent on.
Emeril is trying to push his way over here, but by now a crowd has gathered. 90% of them are cheering, 2% are trying to help, and 8% of them are praying that they can make it out of here without being trampled. I smile at them sympathetically, but once again, I am not noticed. The blonde lands an exceptionally brutal punch and I scowl at Emeril, disappointed that he hasn't used his 6'5 frame as an advantage yet.
He shrugs at me helplessly, then seems to get an idea. He grabs a bottle out of some tiny girl's hand (She doesn't even realize it's missing until several minutes later, and when she does, her expression is rather priceless.) and just throws it, hoping for the best.
It sails past my nose, breaking harmlessly into the wall. I raise my eyebrow at him. He's determined to get through now and is actually picking people up and displacing them, to make a trail. But now everyone believes that he's created a new game. "Throw Your Bottles at the Bar".
And suddenly, I have 50 beer bottles coming straight at me.
I duck down quickly and try to protect myself as much as possible as I wait for the glass to stop raining down. When it finally does, I stand up and turn to the crowd, anger on my face. For once, I talk to them.
"EVERYONE OUT IN FIVE MINUTES, OR I'M SETTING OFF THE TEAR GAS!"
I hold up the gas mask I got as a gag gift a few years ago to show them I'm serious, even though my expression and tone them no reason to suspect I'm not. And to up the ante, I actually put it on. Even Emeril looks a little unsure. I point at the door.
"Five. Four. Three."
It's like magic. I've suddenly made an entire group of people disappear.
I take off the mask and let out a deep sigh, turning to an ashamed Emeril. I drum my fingers on the countertop, staring him down.
"I think we need to get you a night stick," I suggest, "and a taser."
He is laughing when the owner charges down the stairs, bleary-eyed from having been woken up, and confusedly asks what has happened.
Thanks for reading!
PetalsFromTheForest