By v_voltaire

:v_voltaire takes the stage: This was an old project that I felt was good enough to be posted. No disclaimers apply, because it's all original. Well, mainly original. Okay, there are too many references to properly disclaimer this thing, so just assume that all the names and references belong to someone other than me. A note about the text: at times the two characters may become confusing because I don't use names. I suggest calling them 1 and 2 or thinking their voices in different tones of voice. I think I've made the characters very distinct from one another, but it may take a second reading to keep them straight. Like most of my stories, I added an extra ending on this piece after the matter. If you want to read it as it was originally, simply ignore the last two lines (after "Juliet"). :v_voltaire bows gracefully and leaves the stage:

"Hey Sonny."

"Yeah, Cher?"

"Your move."

"Is it okay to move the queen here?"


"How about the bishop here?"


"What about the, ah, castle here?"


"Good. Hey Laurel."

"Yeah, Hardy?"

"I kind of liked that castle."


"Yes. I was quite fond of it. Rather attached, I would say."


"I'd kind of appreciate it back."

"Tough luck. It's your turn."

"Hey Hamlet."

"Yeah, Horatio?"

"Did you ask her?"


"Maybe yes or maybe no?"

"Maybe it's your turn."

"Is that a 'Maybe it's your turn yes' or a 'Maybe it's your turn no'?"

"It's a 'Maybe it's your turn right now so you'd better move'."

"Ah. I get the picture. Fine, I'll move…this piece."


"Now that horse I was really fond of."

"It's a knight."

"Fine. That knight I was really fond of."

"Don't worry. It's got plenty of your white companions."

"Hardy har har. Very funny, Punch."

"Glad you appreciated it, Judy."



"So did you?"

"I'll have to answer that with a very definite… maybe."

"Hey Abbot."

"Yeah, Costello?"

"Did you?"

"We sound like some of those old vaudeville performers. You know, the type that's like, 'Hey Abbot, did you know that you're never too old to learn the old soft shoe?'"

"Yes I did, Costello. I also know that I've always been too old to learn the old soft shoe."

"Too bad vaudeville's dead. We could've made a fortune with that old routine."

"Hey Batman."

"Yeah, Robin?"

"Did you?"

"It's still your turn, boy wonder."

"Fine. I'll go…here."

"And my 'dark knight' swoops in to take your queen."

"Curse you, Batman! Foiled again!"

"Take that, evil doers."

"Hey Butch."

"What're you calling me?"

"As in Butch Cassidy."

"Ah. Who?"

"(and the Sundance kid)"

"Oh. Yeah, Sundance?"

"No matter what happens, we're still friends, right?"

"Are you getting sentimental on me? It's your turn."

"'Til the end of time?"

"That's an awful long time. Your turn."

"'Til death do us part?"

"You want me to propose? Still your turn."

"'Til I finally win a game of chess against you?"

"I think I could live with that. Your move."

"Fine. I'll go here, I guess."

"Hey Scully."

"Yeah, Mulder?"


"So I see. So we vow to be friends 'til the end of time, or until I actually win a game of chess against you? Whichever comes first?"


"In the name of friendship, I guess I'll keep letting you win. Give me a hug."

"Ah, no."

"I know you love me. Don't deny it."

"Set up your pieces. I want another match. And try not to get tearstains on the chess board, Romeo."

"I love you too, Juliet."

"I was hoping for a Mercutio, but I guess a Juliet works as well."

"It's the sentiment that counts."