Well, girls I'll tell you this, I love a penis. I want one, the smaller and more self-absorbed, the better! It doesn't matter how used be it (for manual use only) or (proceed with caution wash thoroughly). It doesn't matter where when or which, I don't care.

I'm a slut like that.

I know so because my brother tells me that all the time. I could come home from church with a girlfriend or two and he'll tell me how used my vag must be. "You're a whore" Is a classic ice breaker with him. "I love you too," I say. "Now let me hug you and give you AIDS." It must really kill him inside to have a dirty dirty whore who sleeps with ONE man who put a ring on it for a sister. It really must because he's a virgin and the best candidate for "Only College Republican Who Never Got Laid" And I've seen his dick, so I know for certain that he can't get away with asshole comments the way men who have to walk bow-legged do. It is a sad day if in a roomful of slutty nerds (half female, half male) play Dungeons and Dragons with you and they still would rather sleep with each other than you. At that point what do you do? I've thought about it and I decided to take matters into my hands. I've written to the Seminary asking if they'd take on another applicant for the Priesthood. They've got LOTS of empty spaces to choose from. I hear you can't have pornographic material with you when you enter residence, so he'll be just fine without Victoria Clitoris and Lance Hardwood.

Another male overlord I adore more than anyone in the world is my father. He's a gelding which means a retired stallion. Or so he says. And he says that a lot. He's had a girl (or two) in every port, and since he was on a ship in the Navy (where you can sail the seven seas) that's a lot of fucking ports. I had him pinpoint places he's been so I can tell my kids not to seek out reproductive partners there. Incest galore could happen otherwise. It's weird enough that a second cousin of his knocked up a second cousin of my mother's. From all the documentaries I've seen of Peru, they never once said it was located in West Virginia. Lies, all lies.

Now I can say with all honesty I've never seen my dad's wang, but if it weren't for my mother asking me for advice on vibrators, I wouldn't realize this awful truth.

My conception, as well as my siblings, was the result of awful, awful sex.

That's horrifying! I know the concept of sex between parents is gross enough, but I'd like to think I wasn't all bad. I think my kids would rather have that too. I would personally much rather get accidentally embarazada having a good time than a bad one. I've had awkward sex and I know the score. Lights off, clothes on the floor, he's poking away like he's on facebook, the girl's lying on her back. And she's waiting for the cue to start faking it when he's like "I'm done". The horrible part is when she unknowingly asks "Wait, when did we start?"

I have a boyfriend, well, a fiancé now, and I have to say that we have never had awkward sex like that. We've had our moments, you know, periods, the phone rings, and the like but sex? Always good. About twice a week though, it's awesome. But then, hey, I enjoy sex. I'm a slut.