Okay so this is something I randomly came up with, which is not edited yet, but which I kind of wanted to put there and see how other's would react. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet! So enjoy?
It was very probable that there was something seriously wrong with me. It wasn't just a random thought, and it wasn't just something someone says when they mess up and aren't quite how they could do something so stupid...no this was a definite statement. Though I guess it's a pretty weird thing to just say out of nowhere, so let me give you a little background before you.
Okay, first things first. I had two completely screwed up relationships in my life. The first was with my mother, who although wasn't necessarily a bad parent, was never around to really be a good parent. We treated each other like acquaintances, and more or less I had spent my life living on my own. Now I know what you're thinking, it's another story about a neglected child, but it's not really, because I never felt abandoned, which I think is probably what makes it screwed up.
The other is my current boyfriend, and I'm not sure how to describe how our relationship works. To anyone on the outside I'm sure it would look normal, other than the fact that we never really kissed, well not normal kisses, or got physical in the normal way you would think a couple would. In fact there was a part of me that wasn't even sure if he was interested in me in that way, which again is really weird, but I told you it was screwed up. Of course, I can't really say at the time it started I had thoughts like these, I just found myself craving that look in his eyes that sent shivers down my spine, because I knew I was playing with fire.
That is only a part of this story though, and although it's quite important, it's not where all of this starts. It's not the reason I'm sitting just off from everyone else, in a garden of a house that I had no interest in looking at.
No, right now I was contemplating whether there was something seriously wrong with my mother, and wishing that I could just leave. Of course, the fact that she was pretty much looking after my sorry excuse of an existence when I was completely bumming off her, meant that I would stay and sit it out. I bet you're confused, so I'll explain. Approximately four hours ago I was told that my mother was selling our apartment and that she was buying a house with man she had met through work. Now don't ask me what my mother actually does, because I couldn't tell you, I was never interested enough to actually listen.
This may seem like the normal mother getting a boyfriend and moving on kind of thing, but there's something I haven't told you yet, the really creepy part. Neither of them actually like each other like that, this is merely a convenient arrangement. They both needed somewhere to come back to after their work trips, they both had a child who didn't seem to want to leave, and it just seemed easier to buy a house and let the moochers take care of it. Are you seeing how screwed up it is yet? Well you should be.
Being one of the moochers I couldn't really have an opinion on this whole thing, which was what led me to sit of to the side, acting like I didn't really care. When inside I felt like it was all just a really bad idea, and another thing to add to the rest of the messed up things in my life.
Well I could probably look at it as my mother's attempt to try and take care of me, and make sure I wasn't all alone, because I knew that she did care about me, even if she didn't always know how to show it. It's just that, sticking me in a house with someone I had never met before seemed a bit strange to me, and let me tell you that's saying a lot.
Now there were a lot of people I was imagining when it came to who this man's child could be, because they hadn't told whether it was male or female. In my head I was imagining a girl who spent all her time partying, the kind of person who never wanted to actually do any work. This thought kind of worried me, because although I'm not a good well functioning human being, I'm also not exactly wild and partying type of messed up.
"Alexis!" My mother called out suddenly, her voice indicating she wanted me to follow them.
I followed reluctantly not really paying attention to anything around me, not that I could have told you much anyway, I mean what the hell do I know about flowers anyway. It was all a blend of rooms and hallways, and to me it was just another place to live, that wouldn't be quite as comfortable as the house that I had been previously living in. The place which had been my home for as long as I could remember had been the only place I felt at home.
Sighing I swept into a room as my parents continued, sitting on the floor in front of the window, and pulling my phone out of my pocket. There was one bright spot to this day, and that was that my boyfriend was picking me up. My mother had never met him, and I was going to keep that way, but she had seen him and only looked with mild disappointment that I hadn't introduced them. I was never planning on letting that happen.
There were certain things that I never ever wanted my mother to know about, and her being a smart woman I knew that she would pick up on immediately if she saw me with Kaleb. I know I said that she wasn't around much, but there were certain things I knew she wouldn't stand for, and one look at me from Kaleb would tell her everything. It might also tell her something about me which I didn't want her to know. It was all right to think that I was messed up myself, but not so much for my mother to be thinking the exact same thing that I was.
When I sent a message to Kaleb asking where he was, the only answer I got back was "twenty minutes" it may seem weird but that was the most he'd write to me in a message, unless he was angry and then it was more like a fucking essay. This one was short but I understood it straight away, he'd be out front in twenty minutes, and I could be away from the weirdness of my family for the weirdness of my relationship with my boyfriend. I wasn't sure which one was better, but I was a sucker for the latter.
It seemed that twenty minutes couldn't pass quick enough, and as soon as I heard the sound of a familiar car engine I was walking out the door, not bothering to tell my mother I was going. She figured it out quickly enough as the front door of the house slammed behind me.
I practically raced over to Kaleb's car, and in moments was in the passenger seat letting him pull me into a bruising possessive kiss, that was less about wanting to kiss me and more about domination. The weird part about it was how it lit a fire in me, how part deep inside craved that need to own me, and another part of me was disgusted by how I felt, but just not enough to really care. Yes, I was aware of how weird it was, but I wasn't going to do anything about it.
"Nice house." He said glancing briefly in front of him before starting the engine.
My only response was a slight shrug; I didn't really care about the house, and knew that he didn't really expect me to properly answer anyway. There wasn't much communication in this relationship either, we where together but in some ways we weren't really. It was more like we both just had some weird need that the other satisfied, nothing more.
It wasn't long before we were at his house, and walking towards the front door. I know his parents had to be out, because they always looked at us suspiciously, like they knew that something not quite was going on. I'm not sure if they disliked me or not, and I can't really say that it really worried me in the least, pleasing his parents was not really on my list of things to do, or things to care about. Even his siblings didn't seem to ever be around us, and when they where they always looked at us strangely, and Kaleb held me a lot tighter to him than he would normally. It was something I minded, and again I didn't care what they thought.
Today we did the exactly something that we did every time, sitting on his couch watching a movie, his strong holding me almost too tightly to him. It didn't really sound like much, but what's the point of sweet talk and whispered nothings, neither of us really cared about all of that lovey dovey stuff. Not forgetting the fact that neither of us where in this relationship for that kind of things anyway. Of Kaleb went out screwing other girls I had no idea, and it might sound weird, but I didn't really care if he did or not. Of course I wasn't screwing anyone, and there was a good chance that I never would be. Most guys just never really did it for me, they tried to be sweet and charming, they tried to sweet talk you, when all they really wanted was for you to lie down on your back and spread your legs.
I was way too screwed up to fall for that bullshit and none of them ever got my motor running, not to mention false compliments don't make me weak in the knees. Telling me I'm beautiful won't get you anywhere, in fact it disgusts me. Sometimes I wondered whether I even had a libido or any kind of hormones, but the excitement I got from the look in Kaleb's eyes sometimes, although not sexual per se, was definitely some kind of indicator that it was there, if only dormant.
Of course this couldn't go on forever, and soon enough I was being taken home, to my old home. The apartment was empty when I got there, and I thanked some deity that she couldn't witness the possessive kiss I got as a goodbye, and that look that says 'you're mine' because as previously stated it wouldn't be good.
I was however, feeling a bit better now that I had been away from the weirdness of my new situation in life. None of this had me wanting to change anything of course, and I wasn't about to go out and get a job or think about my future, because those where things that I couldn't think about. It an anxiety attack that I anytime someone even brought it up, no I was going to be a mooch and that was as far as my thoughts would take me.
It was also good that I was alone, because I wanted to have some time to myself in the apartment. I know I may come across as an uncaring bitch, but that's just that weird messed up side of me. I care about things, and I was going to miss the part of my life had been amongst these walls.
My mother wasn't someone I was going to blame for it, because she was doing what was easier for her, and what she obviously believed would be easier for me as well. She was a woman who had been thrown into a life she had never expected, she had been abandoned by someone who was supposed to love her, and well, she loved me. So no matter how much I didn't want to move, didn't want to have another weird messed up thing in my life, I was going to do it. I think it's obvious why, because I love her too!
Okay so this is my first time writing a character whose quite so messed up. I mean Summer from Pleasure and pain wasn't normal, but not quite so...twisted?...I'm not sure how to describe it, it just sort of came to me. I wanted to write something a bit different, and the plans I have for this may be a little different as well. We'll see how it goes... Anyway if you have an opinion review, if not and you just want to read and run that's fine to.
Oh p.s I wrote this from Plzen in the Czech Repbulic on my last day of my big trip, I head home tomorrow after two months : ( It's okay though, I'll be going back to Tokyo as soon as I have the money...ahh tokyo I love you!