She ran. She's never run that hard or that fast in her life but she ran from him. Not looking back not looking anywhere , just deep into the distance of whatever block comes up next. In the rain, it doesn't matter if you cry and although her mind was completly void of all real emotions, tears poured down her face in a steady even stream. His voice that called to her to return to stop to be "reasonable" has stopped echoning too many blocks ago but she continued to run. Her muscles ached and begged her to retire this frantic escape but her will fought past the pain in her thighs and the burn in her chest. The night was darker then any night she's ever wandered through in her twenty one years on this planet but for whatever reason she felt no fear and not an ounce of rationality. Her own labored breathing and the distance wail of a police car siren filled her ears and she finally came to the realization that she's spent too much energy running from a man who found no real reason to make sure she didnt have to run. So she stopped. Her body went rigid against the droplets of water that hit like bullets and she finally, after an unspecified amount of time, let herself feel. His words came rushing back like whatever dam she built up to protect herself against his escapades has finally collapsed and he flooded her senses with every bit and piece of the conversation she ran from.

You want me to save you and i dont know how. You look at me and i see you're eyes trying to find a reason to leave me because you're convinced i'll hurt you first. Well guess what, I'm about to really fucking hurt you

She shut her eyes tight hoping that would stop the flashbacks from overpowering her, maybe they'll even dissipate all together, but she's never been that lucky

You are pathetic. You've never been anything I wanted and needed you to be and when I look at you all I see is a sad little girl who grew up too fast.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. She began to chant to herself, whispering the words that she couldn't say to him, to herself, alone and wet on a random city block trying desperately to fill her lungs with the air they've been bepraved of. The way his eyes gleamed with anger, his tightened jaw and the fists he balled; all the things she began to recollect. She blamed herself of course, as she always does, and not even for the conversation but the years that served as a prelude. You see, this girl in particular had one specific character flaw that landed her on the corner of a random block hyperventilating and on the edge of an emotional breakdown. Trust. Trusting people came as naturally as breathing and as easily as the tears she now shed. She gave herself up fully to whomever wanted whatever piece of her and she gave it up willingly. She retained nothing for herself, always convinced that those that she put her trust in would reward her with devotion or in the very least, dedication. Needless to say after one too many similar mistakes, her trusting nature grew into something very different. Suspicion. Always wondering, expecting, anticipating the next blow in the back. If a heart has already been shattered, there's no way it can be again so she was grateful for the painful lessons she had to learn early on. Sometimes, like tonight for example, she went over every scar and blemish that weighed so heavily on her soul. She'd remember grade school, and the girl who was the only friend a shy kid with heavy chocolate eyes and unruly hair ever had, and how that same girl smiled in her face and sabotaged the only day this girl's ever had to feel beautiful. She'd remember junior high and the things they'd whisper behind her back, the most vile rumors from those she looked up to the most. She'd remember every boy she dared to smile at who returned the gesture with mocking and ridicule. Cynically, she smirked and wondered if tonight would be the next thing on the list of painful lessons she'd soon retell to herself all over again.

Yes I fucked her. How could i not, when you won't. I wanted you all these years and it was so easy for you to refuse me. It's not like i can wait forever, not for you

She couldn't quite recall sinking to the ground but found herself relieved that she didnt have to hold herself up any longer. Whatever she was wearing probably cost a pretty penny and was by now ruined completely but none of it mattered, only the realization that she did what she swore herself she'd never do again. She trusted. It became easy with him, to forget the pain of her past and imagine a life where the two of them gaurded each other from the worst the world had to offer. And while she swam in the images of their life together, he wandered between the legs whoever was avaliable at the time. Like they all did before him, he took whatever part of her that he needed and the only thing she kept sacred and to herself he wanted as well. But because of all her past experience with giving away she promised herself she'd reliquinsh the only thing left in her to give to someone worthy of the cause. The most comic part was that she was truly convinced of his worth, completly oblivious to his utter failure as a lover or a decent human being for that matter. And once again, she blamed herself. Maybe if she was better looking, or dressed differently...and thats where she stopped herself. Slowly she raised her hand, shivering from the cold and brought it up against her cheek and felt a sharp pang of pain. Wincing she brought her hand in front of her face and looked at her fingertips, stained in the blood that was now quickly being washed away by the unrelenting downpour of rain. No more, she thought. Whatever this was will remain here tonight on this block in this rain. I will not take it with me and i will not carry the burden of justifying his betrayal and his violence any longer.

She slowly got to her feet, and finally looked up to figure out where the fuck she ran to. Looking up at the flourescent green street name she smiled to herself, with no cynism or ironic retort, just smiling because she was amused for the first time in months. I ran home, she realized. I ran straight home.