Best friends. That's what we are. That's what we call each other, at least. How could a year of not noticing her grow into something so big? There we three new kids that year. Her, me and another girl. I knew the other girl from my old school. The school where I had my first crush. At that time, I didn't even know it wasn't "normal". For a girl to like another. It didn't matter. It was just a stupid crush. She had a boyfriend.. until they broke up. Not like it mattered. Why should it? She was heartbroken, and I was moving. There was nothing I could do. I never told anyone my true feelings for her, though I did write that I loved her.. somewhere. Yet the love I have for this girl is so much more.
I crushed on her so badly it hurt. She was with another guy at the time. Just my luck, always going for the most unavailable girl in the room. We were good friends. Although, we rarely talked in public. Only through emails. One day, I confessed. I came on too strong and she was scared. It didn't help that I kept spamming her inbox with emails which she wouldn't reply to. Shit came up and I found myself at the principals' office several times, where they would give me brochures for "help". Luckily, my parents never knew about it. At least I hope not. They mentioned it once after getting a call from the school, but I bluffed my way out of showing them the emails. I was terrified. There's no other word to explain it. I was scared they would know and wouldn't accept me. To this day thinking back on those memories still leave a dull ache in my chest. I distanced myself from everyone I knew. My friends stopped talking to me. I put up a wall, a shield to protect me. I practiced keeping my feelings in check. That mask I had on since I found out life was pain stayed on for a long time.
Two years passed. Two years of acting and lies. Two years wasted. Two years to think. Then came graduation. Where I live, it was a celebration of sorts. Meaning it was to mark the phase of life from children to teens. It didn't matter to me. I was just glad to be out of that hellhole, where there was the threat of my parents figuring something was up. She was the one who wrote and performed the Valedictorian speech. Did a mighty fine job too. Moved me to tears, even when I spent two out of three years depressed in that school. We started emailing each other again.
The first week of highschool, she broke up with him. It was a mutual decision. Still, it was hard on both of them. I care about her and he was a good kid, but things got complicated when people thought I liked him. That's kind of funny. Pretty sure he's the wrong gender here, he-llo! We drifted apart. I had no classes with her and he would hang out with kids from my old school, which I found it awkward. Always one to go with the flow, I was a loner with a reputation. Whoever messed with me would always regret it. People stayed out of my way, and I certainly didn't go out of my way to make friends. I was content with someone to eat lunch with.
That first half of freshmen year I had a crush on someone. She was unattainable – partly because she smoked pot and went to classes either high or drunk, and I later learned she had a junior boyfriend. I'm still intrigued by her but we stopped talking ages ago, around the same time the guy I "liked" and I drifted apart. The second half of the year was much better. My best friend and I had half our classes together, and we hung out a lot. We got each other and we knew our secrets, I just never told her whom I liked. She was the one I trusted with everything, and for her, my opinion of her was something that mattered. I know we attracted many questioning gazes from other students – why did a girl like her hang out with a girl like me? I was liked by many people, but I never liked the attention.. unless it was coming from someone I had a crush on. She was liked by many of the guys and she fit alright with the girls. Truth is, I saw a side of her no one else did. I can even say I hate the way she flirts with all the guys and how her multiple personalities affect me. But it's a part of her, and I can't change that, nor judge her for it. That second half of freshman year I learned to open myself up. I used to flinch from physical affection but now I yearn for it. It was a missing part of my childhood, and she gave me so much.
Right now, the end of the school year is right around the corner. I have one. last. day. It's not even a full day. I can say this year has been crazy. And it has. But she's moving. This summer, to a place three hours away. I know it's not far and we'll still hang out from time to time, but we both know it isn't the same. My parents talk about moving too. Over a day's drive if I want to see her, and my extended family. They might as well be on the other side of the planet. There's no chance in hell that my two best friends will finish highschool in the same one as me. I already miss my first one terribly. We've kept contact for over eight years, long distance, and the moment I meet someone who gets me as well as she does, that someone is moving.
Four years I've known her. Three years of crushing on her. Two years of pain and rejection. And one year of being close to her. I don't know how she feels about me, but I know I'd do anything for her. I love her. I will never stop loving her. It's weird. I know it's impossible. But I don't know why I feel so much for her. I don't want to. All it does is hurt me. But Love is a bitch. She's in love with someone who can give her everything I can't, and all you ever want is for them to be happy together. I need to move on, for my sake. Even if my nature is to love others more than I. I'll wear her worn grey hoodie that smells like her and comforts me until I find another.. best friend.