7Not only was I stuck here, but now they wanted me to do "activities".
I chose to do drawing and painting. I knew exactly what my muse would be.
Taking a sharp pencil I began to draw him, darkening the white paper with his beautiful form. I found that funny because it was actually the opposite – he brightened the darkness for me.
Carving out his face with the silver eyes and slanting smirk, his figure took shape. Not as good as the real thing though.
Lastly I drew his wings.
A nurse came over to see 'how I was getting on'.
I didn't want to show her my picture – he was mine.
"It looked very good from over there..."
How pathetic, trying to patronise me into giving her it.
While I was glaring at her she took the opportunity and snatched it out from under my arms.
"Oh how lovely. An angel. That's very nice, shouldn't he have a halo though?"
I could see the laughter in her eyes. She didn't understand. He wasn't just any angel. He was my angel. He didn't have a silly halo – that was just a stereotypical image, nothing to compare to the real thing. In reality he was so much more.
That's why I had chosen to draw him. I hoped that he would see and realise that I was sorry I had done it wrong and ended up here.
My chest ached. I missed him so much. Why hadn't he come to see me? Where was he?
"...don't you think?"
The nurse touched my shoulder.
She frowned, realising I'd stopped listening.
"I said, you could draw more. Maybe one will watch over you and help you get better, don't you think?"
She smiled in what I suppose she thought was an encouraging way.
I nodded in a similarly fake way.
Now back in my room and laying in the bed, I stared at the ceiling.
It was dark and I wished that he was here to make everything bright again.
I sighed. I had to think of a way to get myself out of here.
While I was drawing, I had begun to wonder if he hadn't visited me because I was in hospital. Maybe he thought I wanted the nurses and doctors to help me and not him so he had left me.
The thought made me want to cry and scream out for him.
I got up and went to the small cabinet by the chair and pulled out the picture I'd drawn.
I stroked his wings and his hair. The doctors and nurses always give me more tablets – 'new ones', 'better ones'. They're all the same though, they all make me feel tired and slow.
Maybe they were keeping him from me.
Once the thought was in my head, it became more and more clear. I was here, in hospital, so I couldn't see him anymore. They didn't want him to help me, they wanted me to swallow the horrible insects and draw pictures.
I decided I would draw more pictures of him. Maybe that nurse had been right – maybe they would watch over me until I could get out.
There was a timid knock at the door and my eyes flew shut.
I heard the door open and knew it was my mother. She was saying hello to a passing doctor.
"Yes, I'm just going to pop in and see her. Yes, thank yo-"
Silence.
"You...You've been drawing again sweetheart."
Her voice shook. My eyes stayed firmly shut.
She must've gathered herself because I heard her come over to the bed and put something on it. It pressed against my foot. Then I heard her sit in the chair beside me.
"Please look at me, I just want to talk. The drawings are...well, they're lovely."
She swallowed.
I sighed and opened my eyes.
"I didn't know you liked angels."
She was still looking around the room.
When I had put them all up, the nurses had wondered where I had gotten them all. I didn't tell them I'd stayed up every night drawing them.
I'd done quite a lot – all of him.
I had to make them a little bit different each time though, or the nurses might become suspicious and tell the doctors and then I'd be stuck here forever.
I'd put them all around the room. I'd come up with an idea that if I could cover the room in him, that would be enough to protect me.
I also found it comforting to see him everywhere I looked.
"Well, I bought you some paint and pencils and things, like you asked me to. I can see why now, you've certainly taken well to it."
She leaned forward and put her hand over mine on the bed. There were tears in her eyes.
"I'm so pleased you've found something to focus on."
I said nothing.
She didn't seem to mind this time.
"The doctors think you're improving. If you can just keep this up, sweetheart, you might be able to come home. Won't that be nice? It'll be lovely to have you home again..."
That caught my attention.
Home.
He visited me at home.
I realised she had continued to talk.
"...and it's been such a lonely house with no one else there."
I nodded.
She smiled and then got up.
"Right, well I'm going to speak to the doctor, he's so nice and he explains everything in a very helpful way so I can understand. You know, sweetheart? Because I just want to understand."
She kissed me on the forehead and left.
I knew how I would see him again.
I just had to get home.