i.
he gave me the eyes: "fix me."

so i smiled and agreed,
and ignored his hands.
but god, do i remember them now.

big, rough, digging deeper,
going where i begged them not to.

ii.
"don't leave me. where are you? tell
me everything. what did you do?
and why? with who? when?
did you think about me the whole time?
i missed you so much. do you ever
even miss me? i always
miss love need want you.
don't ever leave me. i would die without you.

the monster inside me would kill. slowly.
and it would be your fault."

iii.
i almost cried in front of you once. but
i stopped myself, because that would only
lead to disaster. i knew. you
asked me to trust you. promised you would
quit smoking, drinking, crying, breathing.

the first time, it hurt. and i felt
smothered beneath you. afterwards, you told me
you loved me.

that was the worst part. with those
cruel words, you invaded more than just my body:

you slipped inside my mind, and i was afraid
that i was less than human
for hating what you'd done.

iv.
his goal was to destroy me. as i made my escape,
he cried. asked if i would reconsider. that night
i filled my journal with "i am not human."

rage, insults, cruelty, lies.

maybe i should have hated him then,
and maybe i should hate him now. but i
never have been able to bring myself
to do that. to give up on him. even now.

i knew he was in the wrong, but i
could not blame him. only myself,
for not doing a better job
of saving him.

v.
pretend nothing is wrong
and slip past him with
only a nod of recognition

don't scream
don't scream

everything will be okay
if you just act like it didn't happen

---

an. i know this doesn't feel like much of an ending. but that's because there isn't one yet. this is ridiculously personal. like i haven't written something this honest since. like. i don't know. i posted some stupid rant last year or something. since then.

so, yeah. i can't write a satisfactory ending until one actually happens. and i don't know when or if that will be. so. this is where i'm leaving it for now.