So instead of chapter 17, here's some Zanar angst. Enjoy…?
The force with which he shoved me back against the wall was strong, easily knocking the wind out of me. Not that he cared. I could feel his hands tearing at my clothes, and it was easy enough to figure out what he wanted. Had I been a smarter man, maybe I would have pushed him away. But life didn't quite work like that. I met his kisses easily, succumbing to his every touch without complaint.
Ivrix would kill me in the morning, when he found out about this. Because he would find out, of that at least there was no question. He always found out, whether I wanted him to or not. He would be angry, and I could hardly blame him for that. This thing, whatever it was we had, was tearing me apart, and Ivrix was the only one that cared enough to try and stop it.
Yet it wouldn't stop. I wouldn't let it, not until he inevitably grew tired of me, and then, only then, would I let go. Not a moment before, no matter how much it hurt me. I'd always considered myself unlovable, after all the people I had loved, none of whom had loved me back. It was a trap I never failed to fall into, and this was no exception. Seems as I have yet to learn my lesson.
There weren't words that could describe the way I felt towards him, when he brought me to his bed, or took us to mine. Nothing could be said to explain the ache that coursed through me when he called out that name, crystal clear and with so much love. I loved him, completely and undeniably, entirely and idiotically. I would give him my entire self, every square inch of this body and every part of my soul, but it would never be enough. He didn't love me. He wouldn't, couldn't, certainly not while he had Cern. It was probably stupid of me, to irrationally hate a man I never met, who I would probably never meet, but I did, because this could have been my shot at happiness. This could have finally been the man that could actually love me.
But it wasn't. Torben had Cern, and all I was left with was this painfully bitter taste in my mouth.