Author's Note: This piece is the next poem in the series of poems I am doing concerning autism. The last one was not exactly informative, but I hope that I managed to portray the feeling that we sometimes cannot change as much as you may like us to. As much as we may like us to. This one deals with a different bit of the diagnosis - struggling with physical emotion. I hope that you enjoy it and please leave me feedback in the reviews section! Thanks a lot
This Thing About Hugs.
This thing about hugs: It's not that I don't like you,
it's not that I don't like hugs,
it's not that I don't feel comfortable around you.
it's just that I can't help it.
It's a connection, a link and it's terrifying.
I can't help but shrink away from it.
You wrap your arms around me
my mind leaps in circles and I feel my mind explode
a whirlwind of phobia smothers my mind and body
I feel the arms compress my heart, replacing courage with fear
I feel your affection smother me, its difficult to breathe
I feel my body jerking back, my mind receding from sense
I feel my autism winning again, I can't take your sympathy.
You hold me in your arms to comfort me,
and traumatise instead.
I know you don't mean to, I know its in my head
but still I feel this nagging fear, this daft and stupid dread.
I know you feel bad now...you really shouldn't.
I know that you were only trying to help, yet still I feel my fear.
It's not so much the hug itself, it's the feeling behind
it's the kindness you try to show by touch instead of word.
I appreciate the message, but the delivery is so, so bad.
You were not to know; you are not to blame.
I could not help it; I was not to blame.
But not I know, and help it I shall.
Next time, I'll hug you back.
Author's Note: I know that I shouldn't really put another one of these at the foot of the page, but I would just like to say that I understand that this poem is not very wordy or as subtle as most of my others, but it tells the story with raw simplicity...which is exactly how I feel it. Once again, Thanks for reading and I'd love some reviews!