Makin' Plans

For our high school graduation I planned on giving Trixie my dead grandmother's engagement ring. We were sitting in my new '94 Camaro, parked in a scenic viewing area just off the highway and waiting for the sun to finally breach the sky like something out of a made for TV movie. Red Bull and Monster cans littered the floor of the car, laying there as if a token to our valiant efforts to stay awake. Using an adapter, I had plugged her iPod into my tape deck, thinking loud and upbeat music would keep us up. Eventually, we forgot about what was playing and resorted to making out and drinking the energy drinks to keep ourselves conscious.

Trixie was stretched across the front seats, her head on my chest and her bare feet up on the dashboard. She'd unbuttoned her jeans for comfort and they had been falling down her hips all night. Around three in the morning I had realized her underwear was the same neon blue color that was on her toes. Every once in a while, she's pop her toes, reminding me of how much my arm ached. Flexing my fingers, I tried to get some circulation back in my hand. My arm had fallen asleep hours ago but I hadn't had the heart to move it and make her adjust. I loved having her close like that, so close the fly away strands of her hair ticked my face and the smell of her shampoo was right in my nose. Closing my eyes, I listened to her softly sing along to a Miranda Lambert song that was drifting out of my stereo.

"You know me like the back of your hand," Trixie sang, rubbing my kneecap with her free hand. "I'm your girl and you're my man." The rubbing stopped when she sat up, gently pushing on my chest, "Hey. Don't you fall asleep on me, buddy."

"I'm not going to," I said, forcing my eyes to open again.

In the few seconds I had my eyes closed, the world had started to lighten up. Trixie's mascara had smeared along her eyes, settling into the corners and into the faint lines under them. The smudges got worse when she rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palm. She pulled her hair away from her neck, revealing a hickey I couldn't help but smirk at. Trixie caught my stare and flipped down the sun visor to look in the mirror on the other side.

"Damn it, Jason," She said without much conviction, turning her head to get a better look at her neck. Sighing, she let her hair drop around her shoulders.

"It's not that bad," I said, adjusting the silky strands of her hair until it covered up my handy work. "Ta da, can't even tell it's there."

Trixie gave me a sideways glance, smiling at me, as she found her previous position on my chest. Shifting in my seat to accommodate her, the ring jabbed into my thigh like I had a sharp rock in my pocket. Ignoring the pain, I wrapped my arms around Trixie and kissed the top of her head taking in the smell of her hair.

"So," Trixie drew out the word, tapping her fingers on my knee. "What are your plans this summer?"

Shrugging, I said, "Work at my Dad's place for the most part."

"That should be fun. What's he having you do this year?" Her tone was aloof, like she was going to drop something on me at the last minute.

"Same as last year," I said. "He's giving me a lot more freedom this year though, so I can see you more often."

Trixie punched the air saying, "Yes." Smiling, she snuggled into me more, "Do you think he'd let you go with me to my grandparent's place for a few weeks?"

Sitting up, I took in her bewildered expression and matched it with my own, "Since when are you going to your grandparents?"

"Since, like, forever. They just got all settled in Florida and want me to come out there." Trixie rubbed her eyes again, "I told you all this two weeks ago."

"No, you said you were going to your Aunt's in L.A.," I said, thinking back to two weeks ago. Most of it was a blur with graduation being so close, but I had made sure to remember anything Trixie mentioned about summer.

"Hey, it's not a big deal," she leaned in to snuggle with me. "I'll only be gone three or four weeks at the most."

"Three or four weeks?" I leaned away from her, and she stared at me wide eyed.

"Yes, three or four weeks. It's not a big deal. They want to drive me around to all the colleges out there." Her eyes turned pleading and I knew I'd agreed to whatever she said next. "Can we please just relax and stuff? It's too early to talk about this."

Something felt out of place, like there was more she wasn't tell me. Ignoring the feeling, I nodded and yawned. Just as she settled back next to me, I said, "Three or four weeks aren't bad, I guess. You'll be home for the rest of the summer."

If I hadn't been holding her, I wouldn't have noticed her freeze up, "Yeah, I guess you can say that."

"What does that mean?" I said, looking down at her resting on my chest.

"What does what mean?" At my look, she sat up into her own seat.

I stared at her, taking in the fact she wouldn't look me in the eyes, "You're not staying here, are you?"

"Of course not, I refuse to be stuck here for the whole summer," She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted.

"Stuck here with me, you mean." Leaning forward, I turned down the stereo until it was almost inaudible.

Trixie rolled her eyes, "That's not what I mean and you know it."

Running my hand through my hair, I said, "I know. It's just, I had thought we'd do stuff together this year, you know? Actually get to be together other than weekends or during school."

"We'll be able to," Trixie buried her head in my shoulder, holding onto my bicep. "It just won't be the whole time. I need to get out of here at least for a little while."

"Why do you want to get out of here so badly, anyway? You're going to be gone the whole summer then what? You keep talking about going to school out of state."

"That's always been my plan. I don't want to stay here, Jason. I want to be out of this town so bad. The thought of being here for the rest of my life makes me sick. If I don't leave now, I won't ever get out." She kept staring at me, as if she expected me to do or say something, "I was hoping, maybe, you'd want to come with me."

Looking out the window, it was as if the sun had risen for the first time and I was seeing everything clearly. I opened my mouth to agree with her, but nothing came out. Something inside me broke, seeing how passionately she wanted to get away from everything we knew. Around the lump in my throat I said, "I never thought about leaving."

Trixie let my arm go, "What your scholarship to LSU? Aren't you going?"

"I hadn't planned on it."

The look on her face turned from one of shock, to anger, then like I had a horn growing out of my head, "Are you crazy?"

Rolling my eyes, I threw my arms up in the air, "What's the big deal with me not going? I'm practically in charge of everything at Dad's store already. There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay here, you know. Damn it, why can't you just stay here? Why can't you stay here and be happy with me?"

"I won't be happy until I can gout of here," Her voice broke and she covered her mouth with her hand.

At that moment, I would have given anything to take back what I said. Running a hand through my hair, I looked out the windshield, wanting to agree with her, to tell her that if was that easy to get up and leave I would to it. Instead, I said, "I know this is going to sound crazy, but I always imagined living here. It's just hard to wrap my head around why you'd want to give everything up."

Her voice was thin, as if she was on the brink of tears and was desperately trying to hold them back. "It doesn't sound crazy; you have every reason to stay here. I just don't."

The ring felt like a giant weight in my pocket, keeping me chained to my seat rather than wrapping her up in my arms and holding her. The words were right on my tongue. To tell her that I'd be all she'd ever need and when we got rich enough I'd take her any place she wanted to go as often as she wanted. Instead, what came out was, "What do you see yourself doing, when you leave I mean?"

"I don't know, just going places I guess," Trixie said. "After college I'd like to live in New York, get a job there."

"What job would you get? You might not find what you're looking for in New York." Holding on the steering wheel, I could imagine driving off into the sunrise, taking her where ever she wanted to go and leaving it all. As hard as I tried, that's all it seemed like, just pretend. We'd wake up the next morning and realize how stupid we were being and drive all the way back home.

"I don't know whatever my degree is in. I didn't plan farther then New York, Jason."

Shaking my head, I couldn't help but ask, "And what about us, Trixie? Where in your future are we? I want to know where you see us, our relationship."

I could tell my words were affecting her, she got quiet and still. There was a deer walking around but I knew she wasn't looking at it. Finally, she looked over at me, her eyes red and tired looking. "Honestly, I'm not sure. I didn't think about what would happen with us. Where exactly did you see us?"

A thousand words rushed into my brain at once, making my head hurt with the amount of room they took up. Tightening my grip on the steering wheel, I stared at the crack in my windshield I hadn't noticed before. It hurt knowing she had made plans that didn't include me when I had built my future, our future, around the two of us being together. All at once, everything seemed to drain out of me, the exhaustion and realization hitting me like a grand piano falling from thirty stories. "We expire at some point, don't we?"

Looking sideways at Trixie, I saw her wipe a tear out of the corner of her eye, "Yeah, I think we do."

We ended up having our first and last hurrah in the backseat of the Camaro before I drove her home. With it being so early in the morning, we ended up stopping at McDonalds for breakfast. The Egg McMuffin felt like a punch in the gut sitting in my stomach and Trixie had maybe three or for bite out of her breakfast burrito. Just as I was pulling into Trixie's driveway, her mom was pulling out to go to work. Even though we were right behind her, Mrs. Monroe didn't see us. I shut the car off and put it park before walking with Trixie to the door. Each step made me want to scream, the normalcy of the whole thing felt outrageous. Waiting while she unlocked the door, I felt like I was stuck in a dream and was the only one that realized it.

My anger dissipated with Trixie turned, going up on her tip-toes to give me a kiss on the cheek. Catching her around the waist, I hugged her to me, memorizing the feeling of having her close one last time. We stayed like that for a while, holding each other, before her dog ran out of the house and wedge it's self between us. Chuckling a little, I rubbed the dog's head before walking back to my car. The front door shut before I was even halfway there. Back home, my parents had already left for work, so I left my car keys and wallet on the kitchen table. Trudging up to my room, I pulled the ring out of my pocket and placed it back in the box inside my sock drawer. The ring stayed there until I moved out a year later.