Author's Note: To those of you who read Resilience: Blood and Fortitude, I apologize that I have not updated that in a while - I have been very busy and will remain to be so for another while yet so you'll have to be patient. And to those of you who prefer my poems, I am afraid you'll have to be even more patient as I only ever write poems when I am feeling exceptionally strong emotions. Sorry!
This poem was written when I felt a strange feeling of inadequacy as you'll hopefully see. Though I know that I have done a lot to combat the problems associated with Asperger's Syndrome, I suddenly felt this aching feeling that I had not changed at all over the course of my struggle with it. I also felt this nagging uncertainty of why I was even bothering, then a sudden feeling of guilt (again I hope that comes through). Thanks for reading! Please review me!
A sea of faces surround me. All different; all the same.
A mass of bodies, a murder of obstacles.
Scanning a crown, I lose my place
so I start over, ceaselessly searching.
An hour goes by in a second, a heartbeat, an instant.
Unfamiliar faces loom at me, an army of forty.
I look for eyes, a brawl for manners.
I spot the eyes I seek,
I move on and lose them
Before my sluggish mind catches up.
I look back, but they're gone.
Best wishes to courtesy, I abandon eyes.
I seek a body
or a bright shirt
or a pair of boots
or anything if truth be told.
I retch in my victory as I find my goal.
I have found the person but lost the battle.
The battle against my mind, my body, my weird.
My mind snaps back to the present,
wallowing in the compulsive clutter I sit in.
My obsession with untidiness, my lowest shame.
Different, eccentric, brave misunderstood me,
clever fool I am.
Fallible, mocked, blind social coward.
The useless, brilliant, gullible, headstrong, smart-mouth.