10A/N: This is a brief drabble-like story written entirely in quotations, using characters and setting from a co-op story that is yet to be completed...although I think this story at least requires a bit of background.
Nate is a fourteen-year-old attending an academy that trains bodyguards. His totally-not-his-girlfriend-because-she'd-kill-him-if-he-ever-said-so is Jordan, a thirteen-year-old that is a part of the CIA's FRT Program. (IT'S TOP SECRET, THOUGH, SO DON'T BREATHE A WORD OF IT TO ANYONE!) In other words, she's an operative-in-training. Her foster sister, Luke, is fifteen at this point. She's one of the older recruits in the program. Jay is seventeen, and trained with Luke when they were younger. He's now the youngest mentor at Nate's academy.
So that's all the information from a long story that you'll need to read this short one. Enjoy. Review. Everyone knows the drill, hopefully.
The Banana Story
~: (Told entirely in quotations) :~
"Oh. Hey, Jordan. What are you doing under the table?"
"I might ask you the same question."
"Well, I'm hiding."
"And so am I."
"From whom, might I ask?"
"From Luke. Who else? And you?"
"Jay."
"Why...?"
"Because he'll go into scary-medic-mode if he sees me."
"Nate..."
"...Yes?"
"...Why does it appear you just got out of a bar fight?"
"Oh. You mean all this? Took you long enough to notice."
"Ha. Ha. Yes, the bruises and scrapes. What did you think I was talking about, your freckles?"
"I don't have freckles."
"Exactly. Now. Injuries?"
"Well. That's kind of a long story."
"How long?"
"...How much time do you have?"
"About half an hour before Luke finds my hiding spot."
"...That'll do."
"So. The bruises. How did you get them?"
"I guess all you really need is an overview. Let's see...there was a bridge and a palm tree."
"I see. And how is this relevant?"
"Well, there were also three Mexican guys."
"That all?"
"Hey, no need to be sarcastic. But there was also a banana."
"A banana."
"Yes, a banana."
"...Go on."
"That's about it."
"So...you got beat up by three Mexican guys on a bridge, and there happened to be a palm tree and a banana present?"
"Not even close."
"You got beat up by...two Mexican guys on a bridge, and there happened to be a third Mexican guy, a palm tree, and a banana present?"
"Nope."
"You got beat up by one Mexican guy on a bridge."
"No."
"You got beat up by a Mexican guy on a Mexican guy."
"No."
"Then who the heck did all the beating?!"
"The banana."
"The...banana."
"Yes."
"And how, exactly, is this even possible?"
"Well...you see...there was an Italian guy."
"Oh, now there's an Italian guy there?"
"Well, he was the one in the banana suit."
"Oh. Banana suit. That makes perfect sense."
"Exactly!"
"..."
"Waaaait...was that sarcasm?"
"...Of course not. So you got beat up by an Italian guy in a banana suit on a bridge, and three Mexican guys and a palm tree happened to be present?"
"No."
"...But you did get beat up by an Italian guy in a banana suit?"
"No."
"But you just said..."
"No, I got beat up by the Italian guy in the banana suit's girlfriend."
"...You never said there was a girl there."
"There wasn't."
"...The Italian guy in the banana suit's girlfriend was one of the Mexican guys?"
"NO...THE ITALIAN GUY IN THE BANANA SUIT'S GIRLFRIEND WAS AN ACTUAL BANANA."
"That is the most retarded thing I've ever heard. And I've heard some pretty retarded things in my life."
"Well it's true. You either believe it or you don't."
"How about I believe you're making it up?"
"You believe what you want. And then you shut up and let me finish the story."
"Alright then. So how did the banana that was the Italian guy in the banana suit's girlfriend beat you up? Did she fall on your head?"
"Hardy-har, very funny. No, she flew at my face."
"Oh, naturally, naturally, because all bananas are capable of flight. Silly me."
"Seriously. Enough with the sarcasm. The banana got thrown."
"By...the Italian guy in the banana suit?"
"...No, by the palm tree...OF COURSE by the Italian guy in the banana suit!"
"And...why would the Italian guy in the banana suit throw his beloved banana-girlfriend at your face?"
"I asked him if he was going to eat it."
"Very tactful of you."
"I know."
"So you were standing on a bridge with three Mexican guys—"
"No."
"Where were you then?"
"In the palm tree."
"Ah. So you were sitting in a palm tree with three Mexican guys—"
"Well, the Mexican guys actually were on the bridge."
"...So you were sitting in a palm tree?"
"Yep."
"Next to a bridge with three Mexican guys on it."
"Righto."
"And the Italian guy in the banana suit and his banana-girlfriend were where at this point?"
"On the bridge, next to the Mexican guys."
"And that was when you asked him if he was going to eat his banana-girlfriend?"
"...Geez, when you say it like that it sounds so rude."
"That's probably because it is so rude."
"It's a valid question!"
"And you didn't think a more valid question would be, 'Why are you wearing a banana suit on a bridge with three Mexican guys?'?"
"Incidentally, I did think that."
"Then why didn't you ask it?"
"But I did ask it!"
"Lovely. And what did he say?"
"He didn't say anything. He just held up the banana. Then I said, 'Oh, are you going to eat that?' and he and the three Mexican guys just looked at me like I was insane, and he said, 'Eat my beloved fiancée? Never!'"
"He didn't bother explaining further than that?"
"Nope. And before you even mention it, I did ask why he was dating a banana."
"And that's when he threw his banana-girlfriend at you?"
"Yep."
"And you managed to sustain all these injuries from...a banana...thrown by an angry Italian guy in a banana suit with gravity working against him?"
"Not exactly."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"...I...fell out of the tree."
"Because you got hit in the face with a banana?"
"...Yes."
"And why were you in the tree in the first place?"
"I...huh. I don't remember. There was a reason, though. I'm certain there was."
"So you got all bruised and scraped up from falling out of a palm tree?"
"What? Of course not! I'm not that easily damaged..."
"Funny."
"I'm serious!"
"...Really?"
"Yes!"
"Then how, pray tell, did you end up with all the bruises?!"
"I...kind of...sort of..."
"Yes?"
"...in a manner of speaking..."
"Yes...?"
"...possibly may have..."
"Nate."
"...got hit by a car."
"You what?"
"I got hit. By a banana. And then by a car."
"What was a car doing there?!"
"Well, we were on the freeway, weren't we?"
"The freeway. You were in a palm tree, next to a bridge, on the freeway?"
"Precisely. I was crossing."
"And you were under the impression that it was perfectly safe to just cross the freeway on foot at one in the afternoon?"
"It was eleven-thirty."
"My point still stands."
"That must have been the reason."
"What reason?"
"The reason that I was in the palm tree in the first place."
"...Of course. And the three Mexican guys, the Italian guy in the banana suit, and his banana-girlfriend just happened to be present?"
"Yes. On the bridge."
"What bridge, exactly?"
"The footbridge for pedestrians that want to cross the freeway."
"SO WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THE FOOTBRIDGE ACROSS, OPTING INSTEAD TO CLIMB A PALM TREE?"
"Because."
"BECAUSE WHY?"
"...Because there was a crazy Italian guy in a banana suit and three psycho Mexican guys on it! Would you have used that footbridge?"
"Yes."
"...I fear for your sanity."
"I fear for your safety."
"Aww, that's sweet, you really do worry about—OW!"
"You deserved that."
"You didn't have to punch me that hard."
"You were idiotic enough to get hit by a car!"
"It was the freeway! I'd like to see you try avoiding oncoming traffic at lunch hour!"
"...I'd at least not get caught by the person I was hiding from."
"Caught? What are you talking about?"
"Behind you."
"What...oh. Hi, Jay. Heh."
"I wish you luck, my friend."
"Much appreciated."
"Just don't tell Luke where I am."
"Why?"
"Because then I'll tell everyone you got beat up by a banana."
A/N: Lovely. This is who we're entrusting our national security to? Let me know what you think! It's the first time I've ever done one of those quote-only stories before...I'd like to know how everyone thinks it turned out.