7Welcome. I thank you for stumbling across, and if you're here from the first book, HEY AGAIN.
FYI: Characters are mine, all mine, all mine. Views (of said characters) won't always be mine (all mine, all- etc.). Songs are most likely not mine.
Rating: Mainly M purely for the potty language right now. Whether there will be smutty scenes is unknown at the present time. The thought is tempting, but scenes of smut aren't as necessary in this book as they were in PN I. However, if I'm feelin' it, which isn't unlikely, I may just slip a lil somat in there. Who knows. I will announce if the day comes, worry not.
Summary: Despite the efforts of his boyfriend and friends new and old, Freddie feels more alone than he ever has before, and in among it all he finds himself losing touch with who he is. Joey can't quite understand how he changed so drastically and sets out on a journey to understand the questions, and then discover the answers. Tom's feelings seem to be incredibly undecided, and Tom doesn't want to take notice of them any longer. Alex thought he knew what love was until he met someone that redefined the word completely.
You'll never hear the truth if you only listen to what society says.
POSITIVELY NEGATIVE BOOK II
SOCIETY SAYS
I
New Beginnings
FREDDIE
I'm going to miss you, Freddie.
Whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today.
I re-fold the sheet once again, and take in a deep breath. I hold it in a while before I release, allowing my eyes to flutter shut as I do so.
I am lying on my back in a two-bed dorm, blinking away tears that are determined to fall.
I am alone.
You'd think I wouldn't be a stranger to the feeling, a guy like me with the shit I've been through. God, if you knew. But it's true. I am, finally, truly, alone.
There have been times when I've felt close, of course. Almost four years ago, for example; an eleven year old dropped off in a huge boarding school, knowing no one else... Miles from home. I had wanted to scream until my father's car turned back around that bend and took me home. But my father hadn't saved me then, and he wasn't going to save me now.
Ha. Yeah. He wasn't going to save me now.
Thanks to one handsome rogue, I didn't remain so lonesome for too long though, and after he took me under his wing, I couldn't have been happier. But that's a whole different chapter in a book that ended a long time ago. So, maybe we'll use abandoned. I was abandoned, and then I was elated. After that? Broken. For the world to see. Branded, rejected, misunderstood... And then I found refuge again. Wrongly, but it was a start. It lead to more relationships with people I would thank God for now, should He accept it- or me. And then came the nuclear explosion, the Chernobyl disaster that ultimately lead me here; Grace Hunt School. Giving hope to the hopeless, life to the lost. In my eyes, it equalled to loneliness.
Dramatic or what?
But this is it. Where I am now, for who knows how long. It could be a month, it could be six, but no matter how long it is it'll feel too long. It's only my second day and I'm all but panting for my sisters, my friends. My life.
I don't quite see how anything can ever be the same again.
There's a knock on my door.
To be quite honest, I want to sink- under my covers, and further- until I'm lying somewhere deep in the ground. And I'd prefer to stay there until this all is over.
I sit up instead and call out to whoever is on the other side; "Come in."
Two faces are revealed. Dale Weathers and Alex Christinel, my assigned "buddies", stare out at me, faces friendly- but not intrusive. "Hey, Freddie." Dale had spoken. He's the taller of the two, with a wide smile and eyes that seem to shine with mischief that isn't hidden at all by the fringe of deep brown hair that hangs over it. He reminds me of Tom; one of my best friends. I offer him a small smile in return.
"It's time for your appointment," Alex tells me. Meeting my new psychiatrist. He shuffles to allow the door open more. Alex is my roommate. The soft spoken blonde was the one face I instantly liked upon seeing it, but I'm still not sure why. "Do you want us to take you to the room?"
"No, that's fine, I think I remember." I don't. That hardly matters. They nod and leave with little waves as I stand and head towards the door.
| New Beginnings |
Finding the room must have taken fifteen minutes, when really it should have taken five. The boys' quarters really aren't that large, and the office is near the entrance area; well signposted. I'm not complaining though. I still feel in a trance; a dream. My feet are leading me forwards, and my head is following, always a little behind. Almost like it's lagging, connected only by a frail string like those tied around the end of a balloon. I feel like it'll be let free at any moment. I'll lose myself.
Shit.
Maybe seeing a psych isn't such a bad idea.
I place my hand on the door knob and push.
The office is a collage of browns, creams, and windows. It's so bright that my arms automatically spring upwards to hide my eyes, and as I squint through the spaces between my fingers, I see a middle-aged man in a navy suit. He has a full head of hair and, what looks like, an unwavering stare. When my arms finally drop, we seem to size each other up, and I dislike him already.
"Freddie Lewis?" I don't need to reply. "Why don't you shut the door and take a seat?" I follow his carefully disguised orders but refuse to lose eye contact. "We'll start straight away, I suppose." When I say nothing, he nods.
Unnervingly, he breaks first. His hands sift gracefully though this file and the pile, into a briefcase, eyes constantly scanning. When he is satisfied, he neatens, takes in a breath, and looks at me once again. His eyes seem to settle on my right cheek; it's littered with cuts. A stupid move on my part just a couple of weeks ago. They are already fading, but that hasn't stopped every single person here staring.
I clear my throat.
"Now, Freddie- Frederick- I think you prefer the former, however... Why do you suppose you are this way?"
I raise an eyebrow. "What? Gay? Homosexual?"
My brand new psychiatrist, Mr. Everett, is unimpressed with the defiance spiking my tone. His expression remains cool. "Exactly."
I frown and stay silent myself, deciding then that I want no part in whatever is going to happen in this room two times a week. It's a ridiculous question that I refuse to answer. No matter what I say, or argue, or try to prove, there are people on this Earth who will never understand. The man in front of me strikes as one of those. Seeming to realise my decision, Dr. Everett breathes in through his nose and leans forward in his chair until he was barely a 30cm ruler away. "I was reading your file, Freddie. Raped." His nose flares, and I flinch at the sight of short black hairs sprouting from within. I expect he takes it as a win though, because despite his face being as expressionless as it has been so far, his eyes are full of triumph. "At the age of twelve. But you liked it."
My chair scrapes back against the linoleum with a toe-curling screech as I stand and turn, marching straight out of the room. I can't take that. I will not take that. Not from my own father, and not from this man. I won't.
My heart feels like it's slowly eroding its way through my ribs, it's pounding so loud, but I refuse to acknowledge any fear or loneliness. Because that's all I feel right now. I've been fucking abandoned here. I'm alone. God, I could ask one of my sisters- Catherine, Paris, Beth, Lou-, they could get me out of here. But that would be me giving up. And I can't do that. I promised myself that I would do this; fulfil this last wish of my father. My father. And why? Because he is dying. My father is dying of cancer, and requested that I attend this school until I can leave my homosexual ways behind, or until he leaves this world behind.
Unless, of course, I die first.
It takes a little longer to find my dorm room than it should once again, but I've only been here a day and a half. Going two.
I don't like it.
And that's not to say it isn't nice, because, I guess, it is. The buildings all look clean, and modern, and bright. There are numerous windows and the cafeteria especially looks pretty good with the lighting, and quirky facilities as I pass it by. The guys and girls -or should I say "gays and lesbians"- sitting at the tables in there are chatting animatedly, the majority of them looking completely at home. I can't- don't- understand. How can they possibly like it here? When it stands for everything that is fucking wrong with this world?
Pushing my dorm room door open, I pause, a blush creeping up my neck as I see my roommate, Alex, cuddling with his twin brother in his bed.
"A-"
I've clearly interrupted some sort of moment. The black look Toma sends me tells me as much. It's the only look I've received from him since I arrived. Alex sits up though, and he looks a little surprised, but when the expression passes he's pretty pleased to see me.
"Hi, Freddie."
"Sorry. I- I didn't realise I'd be interrupting... something-"
"Oh, no, you weren't!" he smiles kindly, shuffling a little, apparently unaware of the glare Toma has now directed to him, but the older twin has only to begin to stroke Toma's long blonde hair before the look is subdued. "Don't worry about it, I just wasn't expecting you so early. We were going to wait for you outside the room when you'd been there closer to an hour."
I raise an eyebrow with a small smile, unable to imagine Toma doing anything for me at all, willing or not. Alex grins, eyes meeting Toma's own uninterested ones.
"Dale and I," he corrects, "Not Toma."
"Oh." It makes more sense. I clear my throat. "Well thanks, that's really nice actually. But... I couldn't stay in there. I couldn't stand him."
"Who, Everett?" Alex asks.
"Y-yes." I steal another glance at his younger brother. Toma's eyes are slowly slipping shut, but I can tell he's still irritated, and still listening. What's his problem? He reminds me a little of an house cat, the way he's lounging on his side, eyes shutting every now and then, only to open in slits, watching me. As Alex continues to pet him, he all but purrs. I feel vaguely uncomfortable in his presence, which irritates me. I didn't want to leave home just to go somewhere where I feel even less at ease. "I... Y-"
Thankfully, a knowing expression dawns on Alex's face. He peers down at his brother and then up again at me. "Can you give us a second?"
"S-sure," I nod and back out quickly, shutting the door behind me. I take a moment to breathe and try to understand the situation there. Alex is clearly a genuinely caring person in general, and Toma just seems like your average moody bitch. Why they are so close escapes me.
Then again, they are family. They've supposedly been thrown out and sent here by their parents, so it's understandable that Alex would hold on to his brother. He's all he knows.
My head falls. I miss my family. -Yes, even my dad, in some strange way, though we haven't had a good relationship for going three years now. And Tom, and Joey, and Jenny, and Mia... The list goes on, and I'm shaking suddenly because I have no idea how long I'm going to be in this shithole. How long it will be until I see them again.
The door opens. Toma's standing next to Alex, holding his hand. He actually looks satisfied, until his gaze rises to me. An already familiar frown materialises.
"I'll see you later, okay?" Alex says to him. A reply isn't given as the moody blonde slips past me, but that doesn't seem to bother his twin. The older turns to me with a smile. "Come on in."
I enter, feeling strange to be invited into my own room. I look over to my side of it. All that I've taken out so far is a picture frame of all my sisters and I on my bedside. My suitcases and bag have been pushed under my bed. I'm still not up for unpacking yet. I really should just accept all of this though; that this will be my room for the next few months no matter what I think and feel.
"So..." Alex prompts. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, um, no... It's just that guy. He's a dick, I dunno," I finish intelligently. Alex bounces backwards onto his bed, sending a sympathetic look. I sigh as I meander over to mine and sit heavily before falling onto my back and staring up at the ceiling. Just a cream-white. Like too much of this place. I get a thought that makes me smile; Lou working her creative magic on this place. There'd be so much colour, noise.
"I know how you feel. Everett's tough at first, but he is pretty cool. Eventually. He's blunt. You get used to it."
"Blunt or a bastard?" I mutter. Alex is silent for a moment.
"Probably both. In fact definitely. Everett's a crazy bastard." He laughs suddenly, and he's got a hand over his face as he chuckles when I prop myself up to look at him. "Oh, you wait. You'll like him. I promise."
"Yeah, I don't really see that happening any time soon."
Alex rolls onto his stomach with a secret smile. "I said wait for it. Let's just say he's unconventional..."
"Unconventional." I fidget.
"That's the word. It can be fun, or fucked up, but you get used to him eventually. Wait for it."
JOEY
It's Monday.
Tom is talking to Paige about a club they are creating. Jenny is braiding her hair and humming some Linkin Park song to herself. I am thinking.
Maybe it's cheesy. I've been thinking a lot recently. I thought a lot before too, but the subject matter has changed a little. Like... Life questions. Theories. Why do people think the way they do? Why did I? Why did I honestly used to think there was something huge, and dangerous, and disgusting, and terrifying about gays? Why do douche bags like Pete Lowood, school terrorist, still feel that way?
And, funnily enough, it wasn't long ago that I'd felt all these things- felt so differently. It is so difficult to sum up the series of incidents that took place to, eventually, lead me here. God, and I'd had it all wrong.
The fact that I have a boyfriend would have been unthinkable just a month ago, but I'm really into Freddie- Freddie Lewis. Scarily so. As cliché as this may sound, I've never liked the few girlfriends I had before him in the same way. So... I'm gay.
But I've already come to that conclusion.
What's missing, however, is the shit before that. The fear I felt, had I heard that statement come out of some other guy's lips, before. And I'm pretty determined to find out. I'm not sure how yet, but I will.
The end of break bell rings. I release a huge sigh of reluctance as I begin to stand up.
"Hey, Joey?" Tom Cole is standing too, along with Paige and Jenny. He smiles as I turn to him. "Want to miss your last lesson and help me and Paige recruit some year tens for our film club?"
"Uuhh-" my last lesson is sport, I'm pretty sure, and whilst I don't hate it... since my 'coming out' -or being discovered, whichever you prefer- the dressing and undressing part hasn't been easy. Ryan might be pissed though. "Yeah, if you guys wouldn't mind."
Paige scoffs at me. "If we wouldn't mind!"
I offer her a small smile as we all start to head to class.
I've known Tom and Jenny only a little longer than Paige. They were Freddie's friends, and when we started going out -or whatever, it sounds so juvenile- they kind of adopted me. More so when he left two days ago. I'm most comfortable with Tom, though it wasn't always like that. He used to really dislike me; I'd be able to feel it underneath his smiles, but that's changed now. Then it's Paige. She was quiet at first, but now she's used to me, I think. Jenny, I feel, still has some underlying grudge. Which is fair enough. Freddie and I... Our relationship used to be pretty much the opposite of what it is now.
I stop at RS, my next lesson. My eyes are down, and that's how I've been so often after everything that happened. I can hear everyone talking and can never help listening intently, self-consciously.
The conversations about my being gay have dwindled, but every so often I still feel the stare, hear words guessing, pulling straws, wrongly, about what happened. I hear someone spit the word faggot, but when I look up sharply it doesn't seem to be aimed at me.
"Joe," Kelsey is beside me in a minute.
"Hey." I look to her and smile, shaking away my anxiety.
"Did you do the homework?"
I open my mouth to deny, but it's habit. I nod instead. "It wasn't too bad." Kelsey's look of hopelessness is immediate.
"Well, shit. How the fuck do you do it?"
"Did you even look at the information sheet?" I ask. Her face goes blank and I laugh in response. "So no then."
"Where is it legal again?"
"What, euthanasia? Active is in the Netherlands, Belgium.. Um, somewhere else. Switzerland and another three places in America are legal if it's only assisted."
Kelsey's face puckers in annoyance. "Do you think I can -"
The door opens abruptly to reveal our RS teacher, and also happens to be my form teacher, sound-tracked by an expletive delivered by Kelsey herself. Mr. Chou smiles at me before turning to the rest of the class lined up.
"Okay, come in quietly please."
He is ignored, of course, with the whole quiet order, but, albeit slowly, my RS class file into Sir's room.
Kelsey and I sit beside each other by default. I'm not welcome anywhere else, but that's okay; Kelsey's okay.
It's funny because, before my revelation of sexuality, that would never have been the case. I used to hate Kelsey's guts. Immensely. She was my best friend's girlfriend -though ex now- and my girlfriend's best friend -ha! Ex too. She was irritating.
Honestly, she is still a bit annoying, but we sort of bonded after all hell broke loose. I know her better than I ever did before. Like how she dyed her hair six times in the space of six months once and it's now "fucking dead"; she wants a nose job; she thinks Cheryl Cole -or Tweedy - would be hot with Eminem; and she loves Kim Kardashian more than life.
Yeah, well. It's not all pointless shit.
She wants to be a nurse too.
"Okay," Mr. Chou begins wearily. He's standing by his desk, eyes sweeping over our class. "Let's have some honesty now, please. Hands up; who completed the homework."
My hand is one of the first up, though I'm a little hesitant, but I beam back when my form teacher smiles proudly at me.
I'm probably the poster guy for change, and I don't think I mind at all.
Okay, so... Not entirely happy, but when am I ever? I'm just glad to be able to finally get the beginning on the second book out to you guys (whoever is still reading.. c':). I do believe this is the beginning of an exciting new journey that shall, indeed, be full of new discoveries, and a very new Freddie and Joey, as well as other characters we may or may not have seen before.. Whee and Whoo~~
It has begun.