The Scariest Feeling In The World

You know what the scariest feeling in the world is?

That's right. It's happiness. The feeling you get when after years of searching you finally find someone who almost makes you want to use expressions like true love and the one.

You find yourself smiling at silly things, like a simple memory of the time he told you looked hot when you were sure you looked like a homeless person. You look at your phone way too often, and you like it when he asks you to text him to let him know that you got home safely from a party. The sound of his name from the lips of someone who doesn't know what's happening between you and him makes you blush and give away the depth of your feelings. You find yourself talking about him non-stop, and you know people are getting annoyed but you can't help it. And then you find yourself terrified at how happy you feel and how easily that happiness could be taken from you.

For me, the onslaught of all these emotions came in the few hours after I first slept with Matt. I made it home from Anna's bachelorette party, feeling happier than I had felt in weeks. Jessica had gone God knows where with the stripper, which meant that I was alone in the apartment, groaning at the mess we had left behind from our Mexican dinner party. I sent a text to Matt to let him know I was okay, and immediately got a reply.

Want me to come over?

I smiled at the message. We had discussed this earlier, and I'd been quite clear that he shouldn't come over tonight. It wasn't that I didn't want him here. In fact, the idea of repeating the night's highlight again and again – this time in a comfortable bed – was almost enough for me to change my mind. But I needed the sleep. I was hovering in that gray area between drunk and hung over, and I was sure it was only going to get worse from here. Matt really didn't need to see me get sick. Also, the place was a mess, and I knew that I was going to be the one doing the cleaning. If I knew Jessica at all, she probably wasn't going to be making a re-appearance until very late the next day. If then.

Rain check? I texted back.

His reply came quickly: I'll hold you to that.

You'd better.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

There were no more texts after that, and I decided that I really should go to bed.

Sleep didn't come easily, though, and I found myself thinking too much into everything that had happened that night. My head felt heavy, and despite the two aspirins I'd taken, it was starting to hurt.

What if sleeping with Matt this soon had been a huge mistake? What if now that we were together, he would see the real me and find that I didn't actually match up to his expectations, which must be prodigious? I had this nagging fear that he had fallen in love with an idea of me that didn't exist. He had chased after me for a while now. He must have built me up in his head as something wonderful. But how could I ever live up to those expectations? I couldn't. I didn't even understand why he liked me so much. What was I compared to the perfection that was him?

Rolling onto my back and staring up at the roof of my bedroom, I chastised my tired brain for cooking up these thoughts. Matt had never asked me to be anything I wasn't. He had never voiced any expectations when it came to me and us. All he had ever said was the he thought I was interesting and that he wanted to be with me.

No matter how many times I told myself this, I couldn't quite get rid of my doubts. I'd had a good reason for not wanting to be with Matt, when he had first told me about his feelings: I hadn't wanted to hurt him. At least that was what I had told myself back then. But was it really him I had been protecting? Or was it simply that I was afraid of getting hurt myself? Because I knew, deep down, that there was no way I could hold his interest for very long. I thought of Charlie, her beautiful face and tall, skinny body, and I wondered what on earth it was that Matt saw in me.

At this thought, I actually groaned out loud into my pillow. Seriously, Bella! a voice in my head complained. Why can't you just be happy? Just this once. Let yourself believe that someone loves you.

I kept arguing with myself, alternating between fearful thoughts of losing Matt before this thing between us even properly started and happy thoughts of all the things I felt for him and he felt for me – until finally, as the sun started to rise outside my window, I drifted into blissfully dreamless sleep.

...

I woke up tired but happy and determined not to talk myself out of a relationship that hadn't even started. I was going to make sure that I deserved him. I was going to be everything he ever wanted in a girl.

It was past noon, and my hangover was almost gone. Luckily, it seemed I had slept trough the worst of it. Glancing at my phone as I sat up in my bed, I saw that there was a text from Matt. My stomach did the appropriate cartwheel at the sight of his name, and I hurried to open and read the message.

Morning! Could you come into work today for a bit? I know you're probably tired, but there's a lot of cleaning up to do and I could really use the help. Whenever you feel up for it. Also, I just really wanna see you. xo

My heart clenched, almost painfully. He wanted to see me. And I wanted to see him. Badly. I missed him, which was ridiculous, since we'd seen each other not eight hours previously. How was it possible to fall for someone so immensely? The intensity of the feeling made me scared again, but I swallowed those thoughts and dragged myself out of bed and into the shower.

Today, I would let myself be happy.

With this thought as my fuel for the day, I managed to drag my tired feet to the kitchen to hunt down some food. I made eggs and toast and coffee, because there was nothing else in the fridge. We had actually eaten all of the Mexican food Jessica and I had prepared for the party. It turned out I really couldn't eat all that much, though; the food kind of made me feel sick.

The kitchen was still a mess, so I decided to clean up before leaving for the bar. Matt had said in his message that there was no rush, and it would be nice not to have to come home to a mess tonight. Also, I felt like I needed a few hours for myself before facing Matt.

By three o'clock in the afternoon, I could think of nothing else to do around the house. The kitchen was spotless, the dishes done, the garbage and recycling in bags to be taken out on my way to the bar, and I had even vacuumed the entire apartment. Jessica hadn't come home yet, so I left her a note, before getting dressed and walking out into the surprisingly sunny weather outside. All of the snow from before had melted away, and there was a decent amount of people around, enjoying the last days of sun before winter truly arrived. I decided to walk to Matt's, and took my time doing so.

The only way I could handle walking into the bar was by not thinking about it. I told myself that it was just another day. Nothing special. People have sex with other people all the time. It's not a big deal. There was no need to freak out. There was also no need to over-think this. I would just have to take things as they came. Matt and I would talk about it and decide together where we stood now. It might also be a good idea to go out on a first date with him before deciding if there was even going to be a relationship.

Despite all my good intentions to not freak out, there was a whole flock of butterflies fluttering in my stomach as I entered the bar. Some of my nerves disappeared, though, as I took in the sight of the mess in front of me and was brought back to reality. The chairs and tables were in disarray around the make-shift dance-floor in the middle of the bar; some of the chairs were knocked over and all the surfaces of the tables were cluttered with empty and half-empty bottles and glasses. The floor and tables seemed to be sticky with spilled drinks. Someone had left a jacket on one of the chairs, and Anna's tiara lay discarded on the floor next to the bar.

"Bella?"

Matt was standing behind the bar, looking as edible as ever. I couldn't stop a smile from spreading across my face at the sight of him and it seemed neither could he.

"Hey." My voice was breathless.

"Hey," said Matt. "How are you?"

"Tired," I said as I walked towards the bar, the butterflies in my stomach fluttering. "But really good."

I truly hoped that he knew what I meant by that. I didn't think I had it in me to elaborate.

Thankfully, he did understand, at least judging by the grin that spread across his face. "Great. Me too."

I was now standing right in front of him, my hands resting on the bar that separated us. Silence spread around us, becoming very uncomfortable very fast.

"So I guess we should start cleaning up, huh?" I blurted out. "I mean, look at this mess! It's gonna take us all night to clean. Have you even started yet? It's like a tornado came through here last night. I don't know how it's even possible for ten small women to make such a mess, I-"

"Bella."

I bit my lip. "Sorry," I said. "This – this is a little awkward."

Matt smiled. "It doesn't have to be."

"I know." I scrambled up to sit on one of the bar stools, resting my elbow against the sticky surface of the bar. "We should talk about it, huh?"

Slowly, Matt circled the bar, coming to stand right next to me. I expected him to take a seat on the stool next to mine, but after a moment's hesitation, he stepped closer to me instead. Closer until he was standing between my parted knees. I tensed in anticipation, letting my elbow slip off the bar, as I turned my body to face his. Matt placed his hands on my thighs and met my eyes.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.

I swallowed. "Um, about what happened last night?"

"Well," he said, slowly dragging his fingers up my thighs as he spoke, causing my whole body to shiver. "I don't know about you, but I think what happened last night was pretty amazing."

Looking into his eyes now, all my fear seemed to momentarily dissipate. No one could look at him now and say that he didn't want me. It was evident in the way he touched me, the way his dark eyes couldn't leave mine, and the way his voice lowered to a hoarse whisper when he spoke. Recognizing his attraction to me sent a jolt of confidence and adrenaline through my body.

"I thought it was pretty amazing, too," I said. Shakily, I brought my hand up and traced his scruffy cheek with my fingers. It felt so great to finally be able to do this – to be able to touch him just because I felt like it. He leaned into my touch, closing his eyes.

"So we should keep doing it then?" he clarified, looking at me again. "It was not just a one-time thing for you?"

And then I realized that he had been worried, too. I wasn't the only insecure one, and for the first time in my life I was in a relationship of equals.

Slipping my hand to the back of his neck, I pulled him down and kissed him softly on the lips. "No," I murmured. "Definitely not a one-time thing."

"Good," he whispered, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me again.

I almost fell off the bar stool as he pulled me against him; I giggled against his lips, wrapping my legs around his middle to steady myself.

He laughed as he set me back down on my seat. "Sorry."

I was about to say something, but then his lips were on mine again and I lost all ability for coherent thought. His fingers dug into my hair as he tilted my head to better access my mouth, his tongue slipping past my lips to play with mine. I dragged my hands underneath his t-shirt, tracing the hard muscles on his stomach with my fingertips and loving the way he shivered against me. Grabbing the hem of his shirt, I started pulling it up, when suddenly the ringing of my cell phone interrupted us.

I pulled back, breathing hard. "Damn."

Matt chuckled as I dug out my phone from my pocket. It was my brother. Trying not to let it bother me that Matt's arms were still around me and that his t-shirt had risen up to reveal a nice sliver of flat, tanned stomach, I raised the phone to my ear.

"Hey, sis," came Tony's voice.

"Hey, Tony, what's up?"

At my words, Matt's fingers on the skin of my lower back froze. I gave him a smile to let him know it was okay to keep doing what he was doing.

"Where are you?" my bother asked. "You sound weird."

"I'm just at work," I said, causing Matt to grin at me. His fingers slid up my spine and I shivered, struggling to keep my voice in control. "Kinda busy right now, actually."

"Well, I'll be quick then," Tony said. "Mom's getting out of the hospital tonight, and I was thinking we should go see her. Maybe give her a ride."

"Yeah, of course," I said, automatically. "What time?"

"Around six?"

"Um..." From the corner of my eye, I glanced at the mess around me. That would give us only two hours to clean up. "Yeah. Sure. Can you pick me up from the bar?"

There was a small pause. "Yeah, of course. See you at six."

"Bye, Tony."

I hung up the phone, stuffed it into my pocket, and met Matt's quizzical gaze with an apologetic smile. "That was Tony," I said. "Mom's getting out of the hospital tonight."

"That's great," Matt said. "Are you going to go see her?"

I nodded. "Yeah. In a couple of hours, actually."

"Oh," said Matt. His hands traveled up my arms and into my hair to push a stray lock behind my ear. "So, I guess we should get to work then?"

I rested my face against his chest and hugged him tightly. "I guess," I muttered into his shirt.

We stayed like that for a moment longer, my face buried in his chest, his strong arms around me. Most of the sexual tension from before faded away and what was left was comfort unlike anything I had experience in a long time. As much as it pained me to admit, even to myself, it felt nice to have someone just hold me. I was still in awe at how safe and comforted he made me feel –the fact that he was so big, so strong, and smelled so delicious, made me want to stay in his arms forever. And that was a scary effing thought.

The moment passed and we pulled away from each other, as if from some wordless agreement.

Blushing in spite of myself, I ducked my head and looked away from him.

"Okay," Matt said briskly. "Guess we can start with the empties. There are some trays behind the bar to collect the glasses on. I can start the washing. Okay?"

I grimaced. "The dish-washer isn't here yet?"

"Not until next week, I'm afraid."

"Okay, then. Let's get to work."

I grabbed a tray from behind the bar and started collecting glasses from the tables, bringing them to Matt for washing. When all the empties were stacked on the table next to the sink, I joined Matt and started drying and putting the glasses away. Luckily, most of the empties were bottles and cans, so there weren't that many actual dishes to do.

"So," Matt asked as we worked. "You couldn't talk Jess into coming to help us?"

I shook my head. "I actually haven't seen her since last night."

"Is that normal?"

"Oh, yeah," I said with a laugh. "I would have been shocked if she hadn't left with the stripper."

Matt chuckled. "Wow."

"What about Charlie?" I asked, attempting nonchalance. "Didn't she wanna come and help us?"

Matt looked down at the wine glass in his hands. "No. There was something she needed to do today."

"Oh." Now that I had brought her up, I didn't really know what to say. "So, uh, you've talked to her?"

"Uh-huh," he muttered, his attention still on the dishes. "We spoke this morning."

"Oh," I said again.

Matt heard something in my voice that was not supposed to be there; he glanced my way with raised eyebrows. "You're not jealous, are you?"

"No," I said, too fast.

"Bella." He sighed, turning to look at me properly. He put his wet, sudsy hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. "You have absolutely nothing to worry about."

I nodded, slightly embarrassed at having brought it up.

With a smile, Matt turned back to the sink. His hands moved slowly in the water as silence fell around us. His eyes found mine again as he removed another clean wine glass from the water and set it down in front of me to be dried.

"Charlie and I actually had a little fight," he said suddenly. "Nothing major. Just a tiny disagreement."

"Really?" What the hell was I supposed to say to that? That I was almost glad they were fighting? That I wished he would cut her from his life? That it made me uncomfortable to know that she was in love with him? I couldn't say any of that. "Um, what about?" I asked instead.

Matt shrugged. "Just best friend stuff. Nothing we can't get work out."

Best friend? I had never heard Matt describe her as that before. Obviously, I didn't comment, but the words left a sort of ringing in my ears.

He didn't say anything else, and after a few minutes he was directing the conversation towards other things.

I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed that he didn't feel comfortable enough with me to share whatever it was that was going on between him and Charlie. But then again, we weren't even officially dating. Maybe I was expecting too much too soon. I would just have to trust that when he did feel comfortable enough with us, he would confide in me. Now that I thought about it, it wasn't like he knew everything about me and my life.

...

...

AN:

Hi! Thanks for all the reviews and for being so patient with this story! I know many of you were worried that things were gonna get awkward between Matt and Bella in this chapter, and I do hope that this erased those worries. Of course it's A LITTLE awkward there at first, but no, that is not the route this story is going to take. Once again, thanks for reading and please leave a review!

xo Laura