It was a dark and stormy night. Or, rather, that's what I wished it was like. In fact, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was night time and I could feel the thick blanket of heat slightly lifting as the night wore on. It had been a rather long and trying heat wave that was being experienced and it made one grateful for small things like air conditioning. I was eagerly awaiting the time when I knew that I would be the only one left awake in the surrounding area. I peered out of the kitchen window and saw that all of the lights in the complex had been put off.
I felt a new feeling almost overwhelm me as I walked to the kitchen. Earlier when I had woken up I had made a subconscious decision that I would actually follow through with my decision to do what I was about to do. The feeling was one of sadness and a feeling of loss. At what I don't know, but I just felt like crying and sobbing my heart out. But what would that accomplish? Would my problems disappear? No, my tortured existence would continue and I would have cried for nothing. There was no point.
Fighting back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes I cast my attention to the large cage sitting in the living area. In it, my beautiful cockatiel peacefully slept, happy in her own little world. I envied her as she didn't have the worries that accompanied those that have thought processes and higher intellect. How sad it is, that people, supposedly the most intelligent creatures on earth, are the most unhappy whilst animals carry on living and doing their best to live good and happy lives. Contentment. That was the word. They would be quick to become content with their lot in life while humans kept on fighting to get this seemingly unattainable goal.
My eyes moved from the cage and settled on the knife rack nearby. I knew exactly which knife I was going to use. Walking forward, I placed my hand around the plastic handle and listened to the 'schick' sound of the knife as it was removed from its' holder. I looked at the serrated blade and realized the damage this instrument could easily do. I walked over to the sink and looked at my white forearm, the blue veins sticking out a little due to the heat.
I'd read that people would cut upward along the vein to make sure that the job would be properly done. I'd never really done something this drastic and wondered if I would be able to do it. I placed the knife on my wrist and felt the serrations dig into my flesh with the pressure I applied to it. I stared at it for several seconds and realized that I wouldn't be pulling the blade while I was looking at it. I looked away at the tiled wall next to me and pulled. I didn't expect much to happen.
The quick pulling had an instant effect. I'd not thought that I would have accomplished much but was both shocked and amazed at the effect. I felt something explode forth from me and my hand was splashed in a crimson colour. I couldn't believe my eyes as I watched the blood run down my hand from the gash and watched the sink have a small puddle of blood pool in it while the excess poured down the drain. I was grateful that I hadn't left the plug in the drain.
I don't know how long I stared, but my mind began to wonder as I watched my blood keep flowing. I thought about the mess I may be leaving behind, who would look after my bird and how my mom would react if she had to find me. I hadn't left a suicide note and realized that what I was doing would be construed as something very selfish. With these thoughts on my mind, I realized that the blood flow hadn't really stopped and that I would have to remedy the situation so as to prevent pain to others.
I placed my hand under the cold water tap and allowed the water to run over my gaping wound. It stung but the bleeding slowed to a frequent drip rather than a flow. I don't know how I managed it, but I somehow grabbed a nearby toilet roll, unraveled a fair amount into a large bundle and then compressed this onto my arm. I had to fight waves of nausea that hit me and made my stomach churn. I passed a mirror and saw that I was ashen in the face. Joy.
I found some gauze and then wrapped it to my wound with insulation tape (the blood wouldn't soak through that) and set about cleaning up the blood that I had messed. So I failed and my dreary existence continued. The daily pain would carry on and for now not come to an end. I'm so tired of this life.
At least I didn't hurt anybody…