DO I SWING THE OTHER WAY?

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Hi readers out there… My name is… I'm sorry I can't tell you but you can call me by my username here: JJoDb. This is my first time writing a thing about me in the internet… well, to you, and it makes me nervous so much, I don't think I can chill down after this. I am mostly waiting for your reply because… uh, why am I doing this again? Actually, the more I think about this I don't find any proper reason. All sounds so foolish—just as foolishly as I am. But maybe… maybe it is because I am so confused about my whole life, about my sexual interest in particular. I am pretty sure I cannot tell it to my friends, even my parents and family. All of you anonymous people are the best choice I could come up with.

You don't know me of course, that's why I will give a brief introduction about myself… now. I am nineteen years old, a girl that is not so beautiful or cute… uh, well… I love wearing plain shirt, jacket—or sometimes sweater—jeans, sneaker and earphone. I used to tie my hair up but when I became a university student, I guess I should change my appearance and so I let my hair down… but not completely. And why is that? My hair is curly and… yeah, it usually unfurls, and it's embarrassing! So, I pulled a bit of my side hair to the back and tied it. That's the new style (sucks, huh?) But that's just the beginning… I felt so dreadful that period of time (because my life is like burning hell) and decided to cut it short, and viola… that's my hair now. Short. Uh… is it even important to tell?

Anyway, get back to my problem. I'm having confusion about my sexual interest! GOSH! Can you believe that? It's just happened three months ago! …Okay, maybe I did feeling something was wrong with my sexual preferences two years ago—or longer?—aaaand it become very clear in this period of time!

Am I having a crush on a girl?

Really?

Oh! My! God! It's soooo not normal! Yes! It's not! Don't you try to tell me otherwise because I know it's not right! It's just not!

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Now I will tell you about my love life story. It begins when I was a high school student.

I always love boys, the naughty one. Yes… just because they looks so charming in my eyes, they catch attention of others… and they're not really bad. They're just trying to make the class triumphant! Deep down inside, they all are nice kids. They help others; never disregard the 'periphery' people (like me), they know their limits when they hurt people and immediately apologize. They just try to impress others by looking naughty and acting like one but actually they're not. They are nice people.

That's why when I met this one boy who was so cool in appearance; good at certain sport (I won't tell which ones), acting naughty and cold… and handsome…, I fell in love with him immediately. Finally I found my target!

I stalked him, looking for him, finding out something about him… just to make me satisfy. I did not dare to confront him like people normally did because I have no guts. Yes, you heard me. I am just that typical girl who hides her feeling and decides to observe instead of pursue him.

I never knew that he was really that naughty. I just assumed what I've always assumed… and it's wrong. Completely wrong.

He knew what I did. He made me his toy.

He acted like he loved me, and how that made me fly really (now, I think it's stupid). He looked for me too when I did not stalking him (that's what my friend said, and it made me really happy), he stared at me back when I stared at him, he show off in front of me about his ability and it made me squeal… (Oh my God, why?) To call it short, it was a 'silence battle of love'—or rather that's what I think.

His friend knew! They recognize me as 'that girl' who pursued him. Pursue him my ass… Okay, I admit it that I pursued him with MY EYES ONLY!

Nevertheless it was the happiest time in my life—that was what I thought that time. I raised my hope up and he just threw it down so hard that it hurt until years I graduated (I won't tell you how. All you have to know is that he had been toying with my feelings, period.)

Yes… I cannot find a new man that interests me again. No more. It just does not work, that pattern… I never overcome that problem.

I don't know why though. Maybe I am scared of being hurt again…? Or, I am not ready to look for a new man? (Hey, it's the same thing!) Uh, anyway… with the complexity of my life, about my family problem, friends, people in this country, and so on… this fail feeling made the burden heavier.

And so… I tried to change my fortune in the University but it turned out the same. A dull life… Yes.

And let me just jump back to the main problem. Yes. Sexual preference.

I met this girl. She is short and chubby, with short black hair and plain appearance. Not to mention that she is one of the cleverest people in my major study, she is also a very great person. She is kind, helpful, critical, creative, resolute, and have a tolerance towards people. She is perfect material for a new friend seeking program of mine but… because of my dull-failed life, I could not make her my friend. We knew each other, we talked to each other (rarely), and we even worked together in group (tasks)! That's just it though. We're just acquaintance. Nothing more…

I regard her quite high. She fascinates me—but not in the way one will fall in love to one's half…no—and she subjects me as a normal people. She IS really not close to me, BUT she doesn't ignore me like others do. And I'm happy for that.

People ignore me because they just regard me as unimportant. They do not know me, and neither do I. And to the people I know… maybe it's because I ignore them first. And why is that? Because I am afraid of them not liking me enough, not noticing me enough… It frustrates me to no end to think about that problem over and over. I do not want to think anymore! Like the problem I have isn't big enough… so the best I can do is ignore it. If they didn't acknowledge me, so what? I will not be affected by them because I do not depend on them.

I know… I have a very low confidence. It is very pessimistic right? Because of this, I reconsider myself as a realist. Who knows?

I can't help it. So anyone…?

She acknowledges I'm there even though I am not her friend, that's why I'm happy. I encourage myself to greet her when I have chance and I do it several times of the given chances. It's amazing. You don't know how great it is…

Sometimes, when we have the same class, we end up sit near each other. Not next to her, behind or in front of her but near her. And sometimes I wonder whether she listened to my argument with my friends about the given question because… it turns out that her answer and mine is similar… and it makes me happy so much that somehow our minds link that way…

And that's when I start to feel something is wrong…

Why I keep feeling happy about her? Why I want to find out something about her like her background? Why I keep staring at her and looking out for her in every chance I've attend the same class as hers?

She fascinates me, yes, but this feeling… is it stills a fascination or something more?

Then last week… she walked in front of me and suddenly squatted in front of my chair and then up again and… and she gave me my eraser that unfortunately have fallen out of my chair.

That action took me by surprise. I never expected my eraser to fall… (I didn't know even) and not even her to helping me taking it!

She smiled at me kindly and said, "Here is your eraser."

And I just stared at her, still surprise… then stuttered unintentionally. "O-oh… err, thank you."

Then she walked away, back to her chair meanwhile I still squealed inside my heart with me staring at the offending eraser.

'OMG! OMG! OMG! Did she just help me?'

And it's like I want to slap myself for thinking like that. She's a girl. What if she knows what I just feel about her? That will be… horrible. It horrifies me.

I'm sure I'm blushing that time… and I glanced at her. She was looking at me.

And that's… I didn't know what to think anymore.

Despite my conflicting inners, I agreed on one thing: She is so gentle.

It's cool.

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Nah, what do you think this feeling is?

I don't know what to think, not that time, and not now!

I still will meet her everyday and I know I still will feel this kind of feeling inside of me.

Is this love? A new kind of love? A girl? Seriously?

Am I turned abnormal? Or Am I just… bisexual?

Oh My God! Anyone, please help me, I'm afraid!

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Joanna—or we should call her JJoDb—then shut her eyes as she clicked 'Post' button in the monitor. She knew in the matter of second, this post would be available.

She opened her eyes, waiting for the confirmation. She had decided to seek the answer, determined to find out… she would not back down now.

Yes.

She was so anxious, staring at the monitor for hours, waiting for the reply that might ease her heart… reason with her, helping her finding out that weird feeling, or better… helping her boost up her confidence so may be it would heal her from looking out for that girl she adored so much.

Or not?

She would wait, and wait until there's answer.

Will anyone listen to her?

Giving her a light?

God, please help her…