While most men tend to blow their noses, hiccup, burp or cough,

My best friend Ben enjoys the special sound of letting off.

His made-to-order flatulence is always there to please,

And when it's time to drop one, Ben says, "Well, it's one of these."

One Christmas season, Ben discovered, on his mobile phone,

A software application, which could cause a funny drone,

Recording sounds and speeding up the track, or slowing down.

He found this out, as we were heading northbound, out of town.

We got to Chatswood Station late that night, and had to change.

While waiting on the platform, Ben took time to test the range

Of audio effects, which came erupting from his rump.

He hoped he might record a fart, not need to take a dump.

What Ben had not considered: took a while to dawn on me:-

That someone in the station master's office could then see

The platform camera footage filmed while Ben did try to pass

A fart he could record. He held the phone against his arse.

Indulging our digestive tracts with loads of fat and starch,

And having farting contests every Sunday night since March,

We've woken up at 3am on Mondays, from our kip;

And taken turns to snicker as, in tandem, we let rip.

The laughter starts the week off well, and my own methane goal

Is: drop a lot of loud ones, up until I need the bowl.
Then when I use the toilet, with my trousers at half mast,

There's echoes in the bathroom, when the bowl receives my blast.

There's one thing with these sound effects that come out from his bum.

I must pretend I don't approve, while visiting Ben's mum.

But Ben seems unaffected, passing wind without restraint,

Precipitating overbearing noise from her complaint.

"You'll never learn!" she screams, "You think it's funny!" So it goes,

With farts to follow every meal; 'though Ben distinctly knows:
The aftermath will shake the house and mortify the guest.

But when he's in his unit, we'll be dropping all the rest.

One day I had one brewing up my anus (or my sleeve).

"That's great!" Ben said, "I hope you let it off before I leave."

I didn't, but I found a way to save my farting face,

By letting off some whoppers in each crowded public place.