It appears the door is closing
even as it stands ajar.
I know I need only push it open
but my terror holds me back.

I can see the light through the keyhole
but I think I've lost the key,
half of me longs to throw that door open
while the other itches to slam it shut.

I want to be alone with my thoughts.
I want to be surrounded by friends.
I want to be laughed at.
I want to be pitied.
I want to be respected.

I just want to know what I want.
Sometimes I feel like this pen is all I have,
my one and only talent.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm damaged,
too damaged to carry on.

Sometimes I feel as innocent as a babe,
simple, honest and pure.

Sometimes I feel as world-weary as as an old crone,
haggard and diseased.

I startle myself with my wisdom.
I shock myself with my naiveté.

I love myself for my honesty.
I hate myself for my argumentativeness.
I humiliate myself with my awkwardness.
Do I redeem myself with my intentions?

Am I ever to recover from these scars?
My wounds from bullying?
From rejection?

Will I ever be as strong as I seem?
Or will I always have to pretend?

A facade of normality,
a mask of confidence,
a shell of defiance;
all weak as eggshells and unpredictable as the wind and rain.

Will anyone ever take the time?
The time to see beneath the layers?
To know the true person hidden away?
Will they take a risk and try to help?

Why can't I have faith?
Will I even let them?
Can I even let them?

I guess I'm a hippocrite -
I want to help the others around me
because it keeps me from my own problems.
I'm sorry for that, I truly am.

I guess I'm just not strong enough yet.


Author's Note: Well, it appears that the poetry lovers among you will be happy. I am not entirely sure where this came from, nor am I sure exactly what it means. I suppose my heart just spilled over through my pen.

Perhaps the whole gut-spilling was triggered my listening to Emeli Sande's "Clown", but I never knew all that was knocking about in my mind. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this and please let me know what you thought in the reviews!