I guess I wonder as I lie awake,
I've given up grasping at the smokey tendrils of sleep
as my tiredness keeps me awake.

My mind explains I must be nervous,
just three more weeks of school;
the end of an era of six years,
the start of an era of four.

My mind almost coerces me to believe that
were it not for my heart's wrenching song.

It plays a tune of lies, fear and angst
and whispers at the true problem -
the problem at the very core of my being.

Indescribable, incoherent, incipid, iniquitous;
undefinable, unsure and improbable.
Inexorable, undeniable, undefinable;
unspeakable, unbalanced and insane.

No words I know can explain it
I cannot even say it!
Why can't I just accept me?
It's part of me.

And yet I hide it - deep behind the wall
My only shield from the past.
My only obstacle to the future.

I don't understand it,
I simply can't.
I placate myself with false promises
because I can't go on like this.

But nor can I change it.

I'm not ready, I never was.
I fear I never will be.

I'm no coward, though.
I've much to be proud of
as I have never before let fear hold me back.

I've conquered my demons,
even my phobia
and yet there's still this one fear
I simply cannot shake.

And so I hide it away, deep behind the wall
refusing to accept it's existence.
I ask my friends to be honest to themselves
e'en as I lie to myself.

I don't know what to do.
I need to be sure.
I cannot be sure without checking.
I cannot check without being sure.

I don't know what to do.