9You know how people say you only really realize what you had when you lose it? Well I would like to add to that turn of phrase and say you only realize what you had when you lose it or even intentionally give it up and then someone else comes along with their grubby little hands and puts them all over the thing you lost or gave up in your direct line of sight or even, as it were, at the same table as you and they remain ignorantly oblivious to the daggers you are sending their way with your eyes. Or not, because I'm too nice to send daggers with my eyes. The daggers were my thoughts.
I guess the gist of all this, and what I'm trying to say is, in fact…
Lori Daniels is a slutty ho-bag.
No, that's too harsh, way too harsh. Especially as Lori is my friend. Ah, hello there conscience, haven't heard from you in, oh, a year. How've you been? Yes, yes, I'm sorry about what I just said, no need to pile on the guilt. I know Lori isn't a slut or a ho-bag. She just hasn't been privy to the silent anguish and immediate mental back-peddling I've been experiencing over the course of this lunch. And no, I don't expect her to read minds, now will you get off my case!
Lori's laughter brought me out of my inner torment and back to the table I was sitting at with my friends. We'd commandeered the picnic table outside the library for a lunch date because it was finally a warm sunny day after an unusually long stint of cold weather during our Spring semester and we were here to make the most of it. On my right Cami nudged me in the side and asked if I was going to eat my brownie. I was, so I placed it on the left side of my tray and warned Kayla not to eat it just because it was now closer to her, which was ridiculous because Kayla was on one of her serious diets again and she only glared at the brownie. At the sound of Lori's tinkling laughter I winced and looked over the other side of the table.
Lori was sitting between Jacob and Reid. Jacob was texting and completely ignoring the rest of us, so it was probably his long-distance girlfriend who attended a college in his home state. Lori was beaming at Reid who was showing her something on his phone. His eyes crinkled at the sides as he tapped the screen rapidly, far better at technology than I would ever be. I just about managed to open a Word file and that was only because hand-written essays were no longer acceptable to hand in as a college Junior.
Lori laughed again and I ripped my napkin in two. This was bad. This was very very bad.
"Hello? Did you hear back from that summer internship?" Kayla asked me, apparently for the second time.
"Oh, yeah," I said. Reid stopped flicking through his phone and Lori also stopped giggling to look over.
"What? You never said anything!" she exclaimed. "What did they say?"
I shrugged. "Yeah, I'm one of the finalists. I have a Skype interview later. When we're done with this lunch, actually."
"And you didn't mention this before why?" Cami asked, smacking me in the arm. "We've been talking about the weather and shit and you had this news all this time? What's wrong with you?"
"It's not a big deal, I haven't actually gotten the internship yet. It's just the interview. I was gonna tell you if I actually got it. And ow!" I rubbed my arm which was throbbing slightly. Cami was never aware of her own strength.
"What do you mean it's not a big deal, Dani?" Reid asked me, almost in disbelief. "Has anyone else heard back yet?" They all shook their heads except Cami who hadn't applied, she would be going home for the summer and working part-time in her old job. "There ya go then."
They chattered amongst themselves and I largely tuned it out. In truth I wasn't all that excited about the internship. I'd only applied for one as everyone else had done so. I didn't know what I wanted to do when I left college and as a Junior it downright scared me most days, but padding out my resume with impressive experiences that my heart wasn't really into felt meaningless too. My parents, on the other hand, felt very differently, and as no one else would be free over the summer it had just seemed to make sense.
I stared at Lori who placed a hand on Reid's arm. They were laughing again at something he'd said and my heart twinged painfully.
"Gotta go," I said, standing up abruptly and shoving various items in my bag, including the brownie.
"What? You have to go now?" Cami asked, leaning away so that my haphazard packing didn't accidently hit her in the face.
"Yeah, better had. Gotta prepare for it and stuff. I'll see you."
"Danielle!" I heard Reid shout behind me but I was already stuffing my iPhone earbuds in my ears and I pretended not to hear as I walked across the grass, dumping my trash in a trashcan along the way.
I didn't know where the feeling had come from, the feeling of unreasonable jealousy and longing, and I didn't like it. It wasn't welcome. I was fine, I had made all the right decisions and things had gone so much better than even I had predicted. Reid and I were good friends, we always had been, and that's what I had decided we were best as all those months ago. It was almost a year, no, it was over a year now since I had broken things off with him. I revisited those feelings, thoughtfully. I'd felt awful, breaking up with Reid, but if we'd continued on as we were we'd have destroyed everything that was good about us together. As friends we were fantastic, on the same page, and it was great. But as more than friends, as boyfriend and girlfriend, it had ended up hurting us more than it was making us feel good. Lighthearted bickering became serious arguments, and it had put our friends in the most terrible of positions – in the middle.
It was right that we had ended things. Well, I'd ended things.
I gripped onto my bookbag tighter as I remembered that night.
It had almost killed me, watching him fight back what he would have sworn were not tears that threatened to fall. I'd never seen Reid like that before. Never knew it was even possible. He had moved between anger and desperation and back again like a swing caught in a breeze. We'd argued for hours, and in the end I had ended it.
My throat tightened and I swallowed painfully, brushing past other students who were happily walking around campus in the warmth of the sun, and headed for the residential halls. It had taken a while, but eventually Reid had realized that we were able to be friends, that we were better as friends, which is how we were able to sit together and hang out together with our group of friends without any claws coming out. Everyone had been amazed, but I'd always known we could do it. We were soulmates in a way, unable to work together as a couple but unable to keep apart, so we were friends. And I'd been completely happy with that. Until we'd sat down to lunch and Lori had brushed back some hair that had fallen in Reid's eyes.
The hood of my light jacket was suddenly yanked backwards and I coughed unceremoniously and turned around to face my attacker.
Well, at least he looked apologetic, I thought sourly as I took my earbuds out of my ears. Nothing like a person almost strangling me to make me rethink my rethink.
"Shit, I'm sorry Dani," Reid was saying as he tugged on the bottom of my jacket so it was no longer suffocating me around the neck. "I forgot you had your headphones– are you ok?"
"I'm sure I'll survive," I said sardonically, brushing my hair out of my face. "Why are you here? Forget something?"
"Uh." Reid looked a little stumped, as though he wasn't sure why he was there. I looked over my shoulder at the res halls. My interview was in three hours, so I was a little early and I didn't feel like preparing much for it, but at least then I'd be free of… whatever this was.
"Well-" I began, but was quickly cut off.
"Is… everything alright?" Reid asked, looking me over inquisitively.
"You already asked that," I said, sighing, "and yes, I'm fine. I can still breathe, it's all good."
"No, I mean is everything okay?"
"Reid–"
"I know you," he said, crossing his arms. "You were being weird. I know you're not that excited about the internship thing, it's pretty obvious, but you're still not acting normal."
I looked at him with surprise. "How do you know I'm not excited?"
Reid smiled and uncrossed his arms to push back the strands of my hair that were still stubbornly escaping from behind my ear. "Because I know you. Better than the others, even, and you know it. Look, it's not my business to tell you to be excited about this but it concerns me that you're about to spend your summer doing something you have no interest in and apparently it's getting you down."
I cursed my heart which jolted rebelliously at his touch. So maybe I hadn't made the whole thing up. I saw the worry that was etched in the creases of his eyes and felt guilty again, this time because it was me that had put the worry there. Perhaps with our history we were overly concerned for each other when the others were not. I had so few ex-boyfriends that I couldn't really tell.
"I'm fine," I said, this time more genuinely and with an accompanying smile. "I really am. And who knows, maybe I'll like the internship or figure out what I want to do while I'm there."
Reid looked like he wanted to say something else but seemed to decide against it nodded. "Yeah, you probably will. Call me after, okay? Or call Kayla or something and they'll tell me. I wanna know how it goes."
"Sure, Reid," I agreed, and watched him smile and back away, shoving his hands in his pockets. I watched his back for a few moments before turning around and resuming my original path. For some reason my view became misty and I hastily wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Where were all these emotions coming from? And why now? I hoped to god they would pass quickly because this was one issue I really didn't need.
I made quick work of the stairs to my room – I lived in one of the older and cheaper res halls which hadn't installed an elevator, but luckily I lived on the second floor – and opened the door, to which my roommate Teagan stopped midsentence and looked up from her laptop.
"Hey, is it your interview already? Want me to make myself scarce?"
"Nah, it's a few hours yet, I just came back to… prepare."
"Alright, just tell me when." Teagan went back to Skyping her boyfriend and I thumped my bookbag down on my bed. After a pause, I picked up one of the pictures on my bedside table. I had three there in pride of place. One of me with my parents and little brother on holiday at Lake Tahoe; one of Cami with her arms around a grimacing Kayla, and Lori next to them sitting on Jacob's shoulders, and Reid to one side laughing at all of them; and then the one in my hand. This one was probably my favorite picture that had ever been taken of me, which is why I still kept it by my bed even though it had been taken of Reid and I while we were still dating.
In it we were completely oblivious to the camera as the picture had been taken without our knowledge by my mom. We were standing by the fence to my parents' house, looking down the road. The neighbor kids had set up some kind of rollerblading competition and we'd been killing ourselves laughing as they fell over. I was in front looking forward and Reid stood close behind me, arms wrapped around my shoulders and chin resting on my head. We were both half-smiling-half-laughing. I rarely liked photos of myself, but I liked this one. At the time I'd never felt quite so happy or quite so comfortable.
I gave myself a shake. The picture had been taken early on in our relationship, before any of the cracks had begun to show, so of course I'd been happy. It was no good reflecting on it now. We didn't work as a couple, so whatever feelings my heart was trying to stir up all of a sudden were futile. Nothing could come of it. I put the picture back on the table and went to find my running clothes from my closet floor. Maybe if I ran until I could no longer think properly my brain would take the time off to go give my heart a piece of its mind.
Kayla was being unusually funny one sunny afternoon a week after my interview. We were walking between classes as we had almost exactly the same schedule, and we'd just received our midterm grades back. Kayla had done so well it had begun to affect her mood, which was generally very serious with a hint of sarcasm.
"Seriously, though," she said, attempting to high five a few random strangers as they went past. It probably helped that not only was she in a good mood but she was also very pretty, so most of the men high five-d her back. "I think we should all do one big trip somewhere at the end of this year before we start our summer plans, whatever they may be. We may not be able to after senior year so this could be our last opportunity before we have to act like grown-ups on a more regular basis."
"Sounds fun, the trip, not the acting like a grown up part," I clarified, watching her with amusement. "Where would we go?"
"I don't know. Doesn't Jacob's family have that summer house a few hours from here? It's by a lake right?"
"He says it's more like a summer shed than a summer house but yeah, I remember he went last year. We can ask him."
"Awesome." Kayla suddenly stopped dead and frowned. "Uh…"
I looked over to what had grabbed her attention and just about choked on my own spit. Ahead of us underneath a covered archway was Reid, laughing and attempting to move Lori's hands away, but Lori, also laughing, was slapping his hand away and doing up the buttons of the shirt he wore over a t-shirt.
The pain was extraordinary and sudden. It felt like my heart was being squeezed by an iron fist and a hand had clawed away my stomach. I didn't know what to do other than look. So many questions flooded my brain. Why was Lori there? Why had Reid's shirt been undone? Why was she helping him do it up? Why was she leaning in so close? Why? Why?
Kayla gave me a careful look which I could see from the corner of my eye.
"Dani? You okay?" I didn't know what to say, I wasn't even sure I could open my mouth. It didn't seem to be opening of its own accord.
"Dani?" I looked over at her and her careful looked turned into concern. With a quick look over at Lori and Reid, she pushed me down onto a bench and gripped my shoulders. "Breath, don't have a panic attack. What is it?"
"Why?" All my questions had boiled down to just that one word, which seemed to sum them all up to me. Kayla sighed.
"Look, I wasn't sure… I didn't know if was okay to… alright." She sat beside me and took a deep breath. "Absorb this information, then we'll talk. Don't blow up. I… I believe that Lori has, well, had a small crush on Reid for a while. I'm not sure when it began exactly, but either she didn't feel anything before or she was hiding it because of, you know, you and Reid. And lately I've felt she's become a little more, err… well, flirty than before. Kind of testing the waters maybe? Because you and Reid are such good friends now. But look, if you tell her you don't want her to date Reid, or you need some time, I'm sure she'll listen to you. She's your friend too. I mean, we all thought you guys were over each other. Is… is that not the case?"
I looked at my hands so that I didn't let my eyes stray towards the covered archway where I knew they still were. I wasn't sure what to say, or how to explain, but the iron fist hadn't let go of my heart.
"I don't know."
Kayla seemed to accept my words without question. I turned over what she had said in my mind. Lori liked Reid? And for a long time? Perhaps even from when we were dating? I'd never guessed… even that day on the picnic tables I had come to the conclusion she was just being Lori, Reid's friend. Not Lori, interested in Reid. I thought I'd been completely out of line to feel jealousy. And maybe I was. I knew there was that "unwritten friend rule" about girlfriends not dating each other's exes but I'd always thought it was stupid. If you liked someone, you liked someone, and who was anyone to stand in the way of that, really. But here I was, in that exact situation, and I hated Lori.
I reeled back in shock. I hated her. I actually hated her, in that moment. Well, not her, but what she was doing, that she was doing this to me – to Reid. I could have smacked myself for being so unreasonable, but those feelings just wouldn't let go. Was I being spiteful? Did I not want anyone to have Reid even though he was no longer mine, or was it just Lori? Reid hadn't dated anyone since our break up, I knew that, and neither had I. These feelings hadn't been tested before. Was it just because I no longer had him that now he could be taken away, I wanted him back? Did I want him back?
I struggled inwardly with all my questions, but couldn't come up with an answer.
"Dani?" Kayla said, quietly, interrupting my thoughts. My eyes flashed at her.
"Didn't you think you should warn me? Maybe bring this to my attention earlier so I didn't have to walk up to it?"
Kayla looked hurt, but I was too angry at… everybody to feel sorry. And I was angry. I was unreasonable, and I was furious.
"I only had an inkling, I didn't actually know that she liked him, Dani," she said patiently. "And maybe she doesn't, maybe they're being friendly, like a little overly friendly but still just friendly."
"That doesn't look just friendly," I said, finally looking over at the archway again. Reid was leaning back against the wall and Lori was playing with one of his shirt buttons as he talked. They might as well have stabbed a knife in my gut for the impact the image had on me.
"Just talk to her. Talk to Lori and tell her your point of view. I'm sure she'll listen."
"I don't want to talk to her. I shouldn't have to talk to her. She should just know that this isn't okay."
"Dani, how is she supposed to know that when you've never showed any sign that you were still interested in him?" Kayla said, calmly.
"Because, as you've put it, she's my friend. So she should just know. Reid can read me like an open book, it's clearly not hard to work these things out!"
Kayla sighed. "That's not fair, Dani. Reid dated you. You get on like a house on fire, you always have, and you've always been closer than the rest of us. Lori's relationship with you is nowhere near what you have with Reid, it can't be. So she isn't a mind reader."
"You don't get it." I stood up and paced away from the bench. I wanted to run, my legs itched to move, run until my breath ran out and my mind stopped thinking. I felt confused, and angry, and betrayed. Should I feel betrayed? Well, I did.
"Explain it to me," Kayla exclaimed, grabbing my arm. I tried to shake her off but suddenly she had Cami's ridiculous strength and I couldn't. "Make me understand so I can help you. You're hurt and I want to help you fix it."
"I don't want your help, Kayla!" I yanked on my arm again and managed to free myself but also managed to fall over my own feet. The pavement stung my hands as I went down hard. My bookbag shot away from me over the concrete and my face flamed red with embarrassment. I desperately tried to keep my tears at bay – I wasn't sure which of the many emotions and mental and physical pains I wanted to cry over, but I didn't want it to be in public. I wanted it to be in my room with the comforter over my head where no one could see me.
Suddenly hands were everywhere, patting me to make sure I hadn't broken anything and voices were crying out, asking me if I was okay. I could barely hear them. I just wanted the ground to open. One set of hands did make an impression, though, as they grabbed my own and held them out for inspection. I focused in on the person in front of me.
"… went down really hard. Does it hurt anywhere? Your hands are bleeding," Reid said, brushing his fingers carefully over my palms to take away some of the tiny stones. I sucked in a breath and yanked my hands back. I felt around for my bookbag which was put on my shoulders by Kayla I thought, but wasn't sure, and I made sure I was firm on my feet before turning away and walking blindly in any direction.
"Dani." Firm hands grabbed at me again but I managed to evade them and keep walking. "Dani?" I still kept walking and changed my direction when Reid tried to step into my path.
"Danielle!" My full name would have done nothing to stop me but Reid sprinting ahead of me and putting out his arms to trap me in place certainly did. I closed my eyes, willing the tears to stay put a little longer. "What's wrong? What's going on?"
"Reid, move," I said, surprised that my voice wasn't shaking despite how my throat was closing up.
"What's happening? Why are you upset? Did someone upset you?"
"Reid–"
"Who? Who was it that upset you?"
"Get out of my way, Reid."
"Shut up, I'm not moving. Tell me who upset you?"
Despite everything I was feeling, a small smile tugged at my lips and I opened my eyes. "How am I supposed to tell you that and shut up at the same time?"
Something that looked a little like relief washed over Reid's face and he gave a small answering smile. "I guess that's true," he said.
"Dani?" Instantly my smile dropped and my heart jumped painfully. Lori came to stand at my side, her hand on my arm, and suddenly all I could see was her playing his shirt buttons, and Reid laughing back. I felt cold.
"I'm leaving." I barely took two steps before I found it impossible to carry on with Reid still holding onto me. I tried to push his arms away but he held on even tighter, almost painfully.
"No, you're not leaving, what's going on? Kayla? What's going on?"
I'd forgotten about Kayla who appeared on my other side, looking sad. I ground my teeth together and glared straight ahead.
"It's not my place to say," was all she said, and an instant flash of gratitude spread through me that she wasn't going to betray my feelings to the others, along with the guilt of how I'd treated her. She was my friend, and been acting as my friend. She'd done nothing wrong.
Lori placed her hand on my arm again and I pushed her hand away.
"Would you not?" I said through gritted teeth.
Lori stepped back in surprise, looking at Reid and then looking back at me. A mixture of emotions crossed her face then. Surprise, hurt, perplexity, then worry, and with a final look at Reid, guilt. And I knew. I knew that Kayla had been right.
"Dani," said hesitantly.
"I don't… I can't talk to you right now." I managed that much. I knew anything that I said just then would be terrible, and could potentially cause irreparable damage.
"Dani, I'm sorry, I didn't…" I held up a hand and she stopped. My hand clenched when she looked to her right and said, "Reid?"
All of a sudden another wave of emotion hit me and knocked me for six. I took a physical step back under the weight of my new thoughts. Reid. Reid was under the archway. Reid was at the picnic table. Reid was there, and was laughing, and smiling, and was… not pushing her away. Not stopping her from touching him. Did Reid want it? Did Reid want her to touch him? Did he want to make her laugh? Did Reid… did he like her?
It was like an epiphany. Like the clouds which had been gray and overcast had suddenly parted and the light shone through.
I had lost him. I'd actually lost him. I'd ended things, I'd pushed him away, but I'd never actually lost him before, and now I had. I'd done this. Me. I'd done this to myself, when all this time I had been talking myself out of the realization that I still…
The grief from this insight was overwhelming and I almost lost my control. In seconds I was going to start crying and screaming and yelling and choking and it was going to happen in broad daylight in front of a bunch of strangers and my closest friends and the boy I… and the man I…
I gulped in air and made a break for it.
"Dani!"
"Danielle!"
"Dani!"
I heard them yell behind me and feared them catching up to me. So much so that I simply let go of my bookbag which was hindering my running and continued on without it. Perhaps Kayla would pick it up, perhaps I'd have to replace everything, but at that moment I didn't care. I just ran.
I did exactly as I had wanted to before. I ran, as hard as I could, for as long as I could. I ran till my breath left my lungs and they burned in protest. I ran until the lack of oxygen skewed my thoughts and I no longer could form them into coherent sentences. And then I found a building to hide behind and I crouched down, my back to the wall, sucking in air.
And then I cried.
It was completely silent other than my occasional gasp to suck in air when I could through my tears. I felt pathetic, crying on my own, wallowing in the misery which I myself had caused. It wasn't their fault. I was still angry with them, angry with them all. But I knew it wasn't their fault and eventually my fury would recede. I blamed myself and my stupid decisions.
Reid and I had hurt each other, hurt each other a lot in fact, when we were together. It had hurt so much because we had known we were so right for each other but we still couldn't seem to make it work. Finally I'd called it off, thinking it was for the best, missing the friend I had left behind in order to pursue a relationship. But maybe I'd never really believed that was it, that our ending was permanent. It might have been a year later, but maybe I'd still held onto the belief that eventually the timing would be right and we could try again. But he was over me. He was interested in someone else. In my close friend no less, and I had no right to come between them. But it was devastating.
Eventually my sobs calmed to the point where I could breathe without gasping. My eyes were hot and I knew my face must be an attractive shade of lobster by now. I wiped at my face with my sleeves until my cheeks were only a little damp and drew in a breath, and exhaled. I needed to get up, go home, wash my face and change my clothes. I needed to see if Kayla had my bookbag, I prayed she had it rather than Reid or Lori. And then I needed to sit down and think of where to go from here. I'd made some stupid decisions that had come to bite me in the behind. I needed to make good decisions now that didn't wreck my friendships with the people I knew loved me as much as I loved them, despite this current blip.
I sighed and put my hands down to push myself to my feet… and then damn near fell back on my ass. A little further along the wall, almost at the sidewalk, sat Reid.
He hadn't seen me move, it appeared, as he sat there with his hands raked through his hair, holding his head. His elbows balanced on his knees, and he was either staring straight forward, or had his eyes closed. I couldn't quite tell from my angle.
I didn't know what to do, or what to think. How long had he been there? How had a found me? What was he doing? He knew me so well he must have known I was about to burst into tears, but he also knew I hated to cry in front of people. I wanted to be alone. So why was he here?
Eventually, after the silence had gone on for a few minutes, he lowered his hands and looked over at me. He looked tortured, and tired. I swallowed painfully seeing his face.
"You broke my heart." I closed my eyes as his words blasted me with their full impact, even though he'd barely spoken at his normal volume. I nodded.
"You broke my heart," he said again, his voice cracking. I nodded again.
"I know."
After a long pause, "This was all you. You wanted this! You wanted to be friends again. You wanted it to be like it was."
"I know."
"Then why were you crying like you were fucking dying?!" Reid's voice was almost a shout, but I didn't cringe away. "Why were you crying like the world was fucking ending?!"
I searched for the right words to use.
"How long were you there for?" I asked, stalling.
"Long enough," he answered, quietly.
"And how long was that?"
There was another noticeable pause.
"The whole time, Dani." I cringed.
"How did you know where I was?"
"I followed you. You're fast, but not faster than me."
"Oh."
Reid sighed. "Why were you crying, Dani?"
I looked for the words, and picked the ones I hoped would explain it the best. "Because I realized what I did. I realized what I did to us. I realized what mistakes I made. And I realized it was too late to fix it the way I… the way I want to fix it."
"And what was your mistake?" he asked. I watched the way he absentmindedly played with a rock, turning it over and over in his hands. It was easier than looking him in the eyes.
"Thinking that everything would be solved by us breaking up. Thinking that we were better as friends."
"We were better as friends." I looked down and picked up a rock of my own, unable to look at him. "And if we hadn't dated then yeah, everything would be better." I didn't shy away from the hurt Reid's words caused. I deserved it, and acknowledged his words to be true.
"I know."
"But we did date, Dani," he continued. "We did date. And it sure as hell wasn't perfect, and you pissed me off a lot, which you never did when we were just friends."
"I know I did. I'm sorry."
"You were sorry then too."
"I'm still sorry."
"Exactly." I finally looked up to see his hand holding the rock had stilled and the corner of his mouth was actually raised slightly. I frowned.
"What?"
"You were sorry. You were sorry for the things you did to piss me off. You were sorry when you acted way over the top to trivial shit. And you still feel sorry for those things."
I didn't follow him, and Reid could see that. He pushed himself away from the wall to his feet, dusting off his hands, and walked over until he was within reaching distance of me and crouched down again.
"I didn't care. I didn't care that we argued a lot because it hardly ever last for more than a couple hours, and when it did last longer I always knew you would eventually calm down and be sorry. The same with me. Whenever I was mad I knew I couldn't be that way with you for very long. And as long as we were sorry for the crap we did, I didn't care. None of the arguments mattered. You think people who are good at dating don't argue? That they agree on everything all the time?" I shook my head, but he didn't seem to need me to respond. "Just because we argued more than when we were friends, it didn't make us bad together. We just cared more."
"But didn't it hurt you? When we argued? We argued so much."
"Were you hurt?"
"I…" I suddenly wasn't sure how to answer. I never wanted to argue with him, hated being at odds with him. But was I ever hurt? Had he ever said anything really hurtful to me? I wracked my brain but couldn't think of one instance, one memory, when he had.
"Were you hurt?" Reid repeated, reaching out his hand and bringing it to my cheek. My cheek was still hot from crying and his fingers provided cool relief.
"I don't think so."
"I wasn't. You were stubborn with a capital 's' and a pain the neck sometimes, but you were never a bitch."
"You seriously didn't think I was a bitch?" Reid finally smiled and my heart leapt at the sight. He was so beautiful when he smiled.
"No. You were bitchy, sure, but never a bitch." Laughter gurgled in my throat, but it all but died as my next thought occurred to me. I reluctantly pulled my face away from his touch.
"So, Lori…" I wasn't sure how to continue and could no longer look him in the eye. Reid sighed and sat beside me, hands clasped loosely on his knees.
"It's been a year. At first I thought you would change your mind, but you never did. In fact you were trying so hard to make our friendship work I wound up wondering if you'd ever liked me as anything more." I bit my tongue to stop myself from blurting out exactly how much I felt for him. I needed to hear this first, no matter how much I didn't really want to. "I've been pretty much oblivious to everyone for months, especially, you know, girls. And Lori… I don't know. I guess because she was already on my radar, being our friend and all, I finally woke up."
My eyes closed again and I gripped the rock in my hand until it dug painfully into my palm. It wasn't hard as they were still sore from my fall.
"Do you like her?"
Reid didn't say anything for a few moments and I tried to swallow down the emotions that were trying to bubble to the surface.
"I don't know. I guess I thought I could, otherwise I wouldn't have responded."
"Okay."
"Okay?" he questioned. I couldn't see through my eyelids but it sounded like he was looking at me again. I opened my eyes again but stared blankly ahead.
"I mean, okay. If that's how you– how you feel then that's how you feel. I can't… I can't promise to be okay with it right now." I gulped at the thought of seeing them together, but I determinedly pushed the image from my mind. "I know I've always said that exes dating friends shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm probably going to need some time to figure things out. But you shouldn't let me… affect whatever it is you want."
"Danielle," Reid laughed sarcastically, "you've always affected what I want. I wanted you to come back a year ago but you never let me have a say in it. You wanted us to be friends again so badly I never had a say in that either."
"Well, then this is when I make up for all those other times when I was, in fact, a bitch, and let you decide. You can do whatever you want and I'll… learn how to be okay with it."
Reid didn't say anything but I was in no hurry to hear him decide to give Lori a chance either, so we sat side by side watching the wind blow through the trees. I didn't feel at peace, but I felt unburdened for the first time in a long time. It felt good, despite the circumstances, and I breathed in and out with a lighter heart.
Said heart experienced another unexpected and painful jolt when Reid picked up my hand and interlaced our fingers. He looked at them for some moments, as did I, before he finally spoke.
"We haven't done anything yet. Me and Lori." My heart was in my mouth and I resisted the intense urge to dig my nails into his hand.
"Right."
"Just so you know."
"Thanks."
"Dani say something else."
"I said I'd give you a turn. It's your turn."
Reid looked up at the sky and then back to our hands. Finally, he murmured, "I can't seem to give you up."
My heart sang, even as I waited to hear if there was a 'but'. I couldn't prevent another tear from rolling down my cheek, even though I thought I was all out of them.
"You can't?"
"No." He stroked his thumb in slow circles on the back of our interlocked hands. "I probably should, after the shit you've put me through this year, but I guess I'm a sucker for punishment."
I laughed. "You definitely are, considering all the arguments we're probably going to get into again."
"Well," Reid said contemplatively, using his free hand to wipe away my tear, "this time we know that going in. So please don't freak out again when we do get into one, or this time I'll be the one to break hearts, okay?"
"Duly noted." I tilted to the right to rest my head on his shoulder. It fit there comfortably because he was the perfect height for me. "But let's give us the benefit of the doubt, shall we?"
"Good plan."
When leaning against him and holding hands was no longer enough, I lifted my head to see him lean down towards me. It was ridiculous to be shy, but I was anyway as his lips met mine in a way that was so familiar it felt like it had been yesterday that we'd last kissed. There was comfort and familiarity, but also fire and a slow burn that sparked in the pit of my stomach and travelled through my body to ignite my fingers and toes. I felt bereft when it ended, but Reid brushed his lips over my face, over and over, as if getting to know me again. I couldn't prevent the smile from erupting on my face.
"Reid?"
"Mhmm."
I pulled back to look him in the eyes. "Before, when you said that you wondered if I ever actually liked you, was that true?" Reid grimaced but didn't refute the question. I held onto his shirt, wanting him to comprehend what I said next. "Reid, I'm… really sorry that you ever thought that way. I know I can be difficult, and I don't always say everything I feel, but you have to know that it wasn't just you. I… I really… I honestly loved you. I did. And I made the wrong decision by giving up, but just because I gave up doesn't mean I stopped. I just… want you to know that. Okay?"
He didn't answer for a long time because his lips were too busy taking over mine, but when he did, we were both breathless.
"So I'm going to assume that means you still love me even though you only sort of said it. Right?"
"Right," I agreed.
"And don't think I didn't notice you avoiding saying the words again just then, because I'm way too intelligent for that to slip by."
"Okay."
He sighed, but not unhappily. "We'll have to work on that," he said.
"Okay."
"But I love you anyway."
"Okay," I said, grinning. Reid rolled his eyes and scowled. I kissed his cheek for being adorable, but then grimaced as another thought struck me.
"What?" Reid asked, seeing it.
"Someone's going to… we're going to need to tell Lori."
Reid nodded, looking away. I didn't know if he knew what Kayla had told me, that perhaps Lori's liking for him was not exactly a recent development, but either way he seemed concerned about her, and the part of me that wasn't jealous was glad. Lori was first and foremost our friend, and there'd been so much hurt already I dreaded having to cause more. We would tell her together if she hadn't worked it out already, and we would accept her reaction whatever it would be. I wasn't sure what this would mean for our friendship, whether it would survive or not, but I hoped it would. She was important to me, despite everything, but Reid… I looked at him properly. The top strands of his hair moved in the slight breeze. A few freckles stood out prominently here and there, brought out by the sun. And the crinkles in his eyes that I loved so much were there, and there because of me. I'd said it before, and I knew it to be true. Reid was my soulmate, and my most important person. And I couldn't give him up for anyone. Not again.
I played with the buttons of his shirt, but then suddenly stopped, remembering. I considered the shirt, trying to remember where it had come from, and remembered I had in fact bought it with him before we'd started dating. With that, I yanked hard on one of the buttons and the thread that fastened it snapped easily so that the button came off into my hand. Reid jerked towards me in surprise.
"Dani… what are you doing?"
"It's okay," I said with a smile as I yanked off another offending button. "I'll buy you a new shirt. This one's old anyway. And besides, you won't be needing the buttons."
"And why would that be?"
I grinned. "Because I'm going to burn this shirt. And I'm going to enjoy it."
Reid shook his head, more amused and confused than annoyed at the destruction of his shirt.
"I guess this just confirms what I already knew, that you're definitely crazy."
"Well," I said, ripping off the last button with a satisfied smile. "You're gonna get the crazy later, you might as well see it all now."
A/N: Aaaaand I'm back. You'd be horrified to see the number of files in my half-written stories folder. It's getting worse. But as I'm sure other writers are familiar with, if you force it, sometimes the story doesn't live up to your expectations. However, this one pretty much wrote itself so I felt okay with publishing it. I hope you like it! As always, thanks for the favourites and the reviews. Nothing a like a little guilt to get me started again.