"I don't want to kiss you at the end of the day when the horizon turns purple and all the stars are starting to shine in the sky. I want to kiss you before even the birds get up so I can have dawn til dusk with you and kiss you all day."~ Ava Oxalis

Love ya

"You know I love y-" you started.

My eyes widened. My breath stopped short in my throat, a loud pulsing starting in my ears…

This was it. This was the moment…

"…ya. Even if you are useless at trigonometry."

And then it was gone. Like multiple times before. And you was laughing mercilessly, reaching over to my stunned self and annoyingly mussing up my hair. By the time I had shaken myself out of my dazed state, you were making a flying leap across my bed to avoid my sloth-like swipe.

"And me you, you dork" I uttered in breathy undertones, stressing the first three words slightly more than the others and straightening back down the damage you had inflicted on my less than perfect hairdo.

But if only you knew. Really knew about how my inner thoughts had been tormenting me for years. If only you could see it in my eyes, or feel the weight behind each word. That my feelings were so much more than just friendly banter. Those three little words: I-love-ya. They were used on each other constantly. So casual yet holding a world of significance and hope for me. The hope that one day he would say them in that oh-so-slightly-different-but-game-changing way…

The valentines over the years had said it with X's and O's. Cards signed "Love, your best friend" or "Love from Adam" on them. I had kept every one. The thought I'd put into yours, getting the lettering and colouring just right, meant I had gone through whole reams of card and countless colouring pens, staying up many a time past midnight. I'd saved my measly childhood pocket money for washing the car and raking the leaves, the arduous hours of toil all worth it to see, no, feel the radiance of your smile upon me as you opened the card. Even if it was only for that one split second until you was onto the next valentine. There never was a shortage of valentine cards when it came to you. Still, that smile would replay itself to me for months, igniting a glow within until the next time when I would start the process all over again.

I looked over to you then on the other side of the bed, head back in laughter, showing the polished toothy look of thousands of dollars worth of orthodontic work you had had done at 13. You ignored my glower. That was typically you though, having a laugh or goofing around at a time when I wished you would be just that little bit more serious. I chastised myself, embarrassed for letting my guard down for those few seconds after the words had been uttered, hoping you hadn't registered my feelings through the expressions on my face. The truth was I wanted it so bad that every now and then I forgot about the time and the moment we were in and would let a grand fantasy sweep me away. Somewhat thankfully and regretfully all at the same time, you never seemed to notice my lapses.

It was not that you didn't love me. Well, not in the way I longed for anyway. Ours was a phrase of the longest and deepest and closest friendship, always had been and always would be. Since your parents had moved in next door and we had had to hold hands crossing the road to kindergarten together. The "I love ya" type of love was the type one might have for a brother or a sister. Or a spoon for that matter. Whatever way you looked at it, it was depressing.

I would of course never dare to broach the topic with you first. To ask if you wanted to pursue something with me. I just wouldn't be worthy. You were something like an other-worldly-being glowing with the aura of an ancient Greek right out of the storybooks. I was more akin to the subject of stories you wouldn't read to young children after 9pm.

You eventually held my trigonometry book out to me and instead of taking it straight away, I found myself intensely studying your hands. They were such wide hands that looked like they could rip a tree, roots and all, from the ground. I couldn't remember when your hands had changed from small boyish ones that fit together just perfectly with mine. It had been ages since you'd held my hand in yours and I was sure yours would swallow mine up now. Weirdly enough it had been sudden but slow all at the same time.

You had pink square nails with pale silvery crescent moons which were dotted with those little white spots people get when they don't get enough calcium. Or was it when they got too much? I could never remember. The nails were chewed from an old nervous habit of yours. A habit which belied the increasingly strong and confident exterior.

I wanted to touch those strapping hands there and then and found myself reaching out, stopping myself just short of looking completely dorky. It was moments like these where I realised you were no longer the nervous little boy I grew up with but a young man now, self-assured and smart. So smart in fact. One of the smartest in our year.

We would play fight like we did when we were small, only it was different now. Every now and then I would run my hand or arm accidentally across your stubble and be jolted back to the reality that you were actually a young man and this would remind me of her feelings. I remembered the transition well, chuckling at the mental image of a 15 year old Adam with dodgy-looking facial fuzz. The hair as fair as the baby-like hair on my arm at the time.

"You haven't listened to a word I've just said have you?" you said, cocking your head to the side and staring at me quizzically, doing that impossible thing you did with your eyebrows, both angled in different directions at once, and making my cheeks pinken. You didn't seem to notice. It killed me that you didn't see. You carried on like normal with my symptoms of affection pushed into oblivion. Didn't you know how hard that was? To go on with these feelings as they were? To see you every day and try to ignore those big sentiments when you made me feel so giddy and nervous all at the same time?

"It's obviously far too late to be talking trigonometry" you reasoned, chewing on the side of your lip in that way and uncrossing your long legs, pushing them out and bumping into my own so that I shimmied more to the side, conscious of your every touch on me. Reclining back upon your elbows, your feet almost dangled off the end of my somewhat small bed. You really were like a giant compared to the wee lad of seven when we had spread out our cereal box collectors cards over the bed. Then it had fit you and me cross-legged on opposite ends with the hundreds of cards spread out across the middle, as we competed towards who had the most complete or better set in those early and innocent days.

Gosh, I couldn't even remember when it had happened, when I had become a ball of goopy dough akin to my poor attempt at baking in your presence. It had just happened. It was some kind of timeless yet eternal force of nature, or fact of chemistry, or law of physics even, that I, Brinley Kemple, would always and forever be attracted to you, Adam Lewinski.

"What do you propose we do then?" I asked, not in a seductive way, that wasn't me, more in a curious type of wide-eyed way.

"Hmmm…" came your ponderance.

You wiggled your dark downy eyebrows at her and I giggled like a little girl even though I was 17 going on 18. You had that effect on me.

"I don't know Floss," you said using your endearment for me; a mix of my love for candy floss and the fact that you constantly tousled my wavy hair, the colour of tarnished iron, making it stick every which way much to my annoyance.

As you flopped backwards onto the bed you continued, "we could listen to some music or something."

And you started humming softly.

I quickly caught the tune of Beatles - With a Little Help From My Friends. Your hum rich and deep and in key. I remembered a time when it had been much higher. We often made music together, you usually took the melody and I the harmony. I joined in by quietly harmonising on "stand up and walk out on me" the combined notes resonating outwards into the otherwise still room.

As you closed his eyes in contentment in that moment, I was struck by your profile in the low light of the evening. I worked my way through the features I had come to know and love; the deep shade of your hair as it lay against the off-white pillow, a contrasting plumy brown in this light; the noticeable dark lashes brushing against the lower bone of your eye; the bridge of your nose as it inclined steadily prior to sloping less steeply towards the tip before turning down; the obviousness that were your upper and lower lip, the colour of unripe cranberries, so symmetrical in their mirroring of one another as you parted them slightly to take a breath and continue humming; the perfect twisting folds of skin within your ear, a deeper maroon colour in the fading light than the skin surrounding it, leading onto the line of shadow dropping down from the fleshy lobe until sharply angling up towards the jaw and away towards your rounded chin; the two little moles that danced in quick succession around each other on your cheekbone near my favourite part of your face, the smile lines around your mouth; your neck holding little raised bumps as the air temp dropped (my arms gathering them too now, but not so much because of the cold) and a patch of shade hiding the apple of your namesake, watching it as it moved each time you swallowed; your lingering smell, a faint crisp woody one, that hung in the air after your movements.

There was no denying it, you certainly were breathtaking, but I somehow managed to carry on humming stopping only to take shallow little breaths more often. It was actually a wonder you had never had a girlfriend before, well not a proper serious one anyway. I knew this because you told me everything, even on the awkward subject of girls. Gladly I'd been able to steer you clear of the main trouble; the obvious girls trying to increase their social standing or the ones to who wanted to say they had been out with you like it was some sort of challenge.

In all actuality you was pretty bookish and with your sports and music hobbies, were pretty busy for most other stuff except hanging with me of which I was most appreciative of.

You had once told Lola Pobody with the pink ribbon in her hair that you thought she was pretty at the pool when you were eight, and she'd just pushed you straight in the water, clothes and all. A very unhappy and bedraggled dripping Adam then had to listen to the shrieks and choking laughter from me for days afterwards much to your mortification.

Another time you'd come to me gushing about a new keyboardist in your school band. How you had made eye contact with each other and you'd nervously asked her name and it was Erin and you got chatting and you just loved the way her curly dark hair was so different and exotic when compared to all the blonde lookalikes at our school.

I had tried really hard to listen to all you had to say about Erin. You were so excited about the whole thing and you had told her you were going to build up the courage to ask her out. I'd shivered then and you had of course offered your jacket to her, thinking I was only cold.

I'd seen the two of you at school a couple of days later, you being completely gentlemanly opening doors for her and pulling out her chair when you sat for lunch together. I could see how smitten with Erin you were as your eyes barely left her face the entire lunchtime and you hardly touched your food. She was the same, giggling at every other comment you made, twirling her hair around her finger or flipping it over her shoulder. You were so attentive and as the three of us awkwardly walked home together, I was distressed by the fact that you would put your arm on Erin's back to steer her away from the odd puddle we walked near.

This coincided with the first time I got drunk. My parents were away for the evening. I'd found my father's beer in the fridge, and before I knew it, I'd had five bottles down as well as the banana bender dance when you had walked in on me. The next part you told me about later happened something like this:

"Brinley?" you'd questioned catching the end of my latest routine and my slight tipping over.

As I was caught off guard at your entrance, I fell right into you.

"Are you ok?" You asked concern flooding your eyes.

"I sa great dancer" I got out whilst blinking up into your brilliant eyes, chin on your chest and arms wrapped around the small of your back.

You noticed the bottles on the bench.

"Ooo-k Brinley, let's get you into bed then."

"NO!" I cried "Don't you see my new danssse?"

I tried pulling on your hand to lead you into the middle of the kitchen slash dance floor but I broke free of you and proceeded to sway and not in the normal dancing sense of the word.

You strode over to me with two easy movements of your legs.

"Hupps a daisy" you said scooping me up with ease.

I giggled at being lifted, promptly surrendering to you and snuggling my head into the nook between your arm and body. My dark eyes filled my face as I looked up at you before opening my mouth with the words " I love you."

"I love ya too Brin" you whispered back, smoothing the hair back from off my face with your right hand while supporting my back with your forearm.

"No I really love you, I really, really dooo."

But did I stop there? Oh no, I just carried on my merry way…

"You areso awwesome and great, Erin is such a lucky girlll"

I was barely audible at this point and you could tell my lids were getting heavy.

"Just your average knight in shining armour," you joked before adding "I don't know what you would do without me."

I then let out a hiccough, closed my eyes and you knew within seconds from my partly opened mouth that I was asleep.

The next morning was not without repercussions. I awoke with a fuzzy head and mouth to boot and on gathering what little of my memory remained with much moaning, I looked around the room to find you curled up on the couch in my room looking so ridiculously sweet and serene in that boyish manor only you could pull off.

You looked so dammed good, you just had to make it harder didn't you?

"Oeww!" came a sound from my mouth.

My head hurt and I slumped down again stirring your resting body from slumber so that you sat up with a cowlick in your hair.

"Morning you,"

"Hey" I responded sheepishly managing to avoid your eyes.

"Hows the head?" you ventured, but before I could answer you launched on…

"You said some stuff last night,"

Oh no! I had a fair idea on what I would have said even if the memories were hazy. My panic levels started to rise…

"You went on about how great I was."

I cringed and saw your eyes widen in that I'm-trying-to-be-serious-but-I-loved-the-attention look. I decided to play it down somewhat. You were endearingly humble bless you and surprisingly oblivious to the female attention, but well with all I could have said coupled with the whole Erin thing going on, you might start to see what the others saw and I didn't really want to give you reason to grow an ego now. Somehow I knew that any grand comments I possibly made would have that much more of an effect on you.

"Well… I may have been a bit muddled" I said semi afraid of the implications and the fact that my secret might now be out and things would undoubtedly change forever and not in a good forever kind of way.

You would reject me for goodness sake, there was no way I could compete with Erin! I squirmed at the uncomfortable thought of losing you as a friend forever, the remnants of the alcohol in my body coupled with how ridiculous I had acted threatened to now spill out in the most embarrassing way.

You saw the change in my face and came over to the bed then, hopping in beside me, your legs touching mine and giving them a delicious warm feeling. Funny how in tune with some of my emotions you was. I slid up in the bed so that we could be face to face. You offered me the glass of water you must have poured for me last night and for some silly reason, this little fact made my lip tremble more and I had to sniff loudly whilst reaching out for it.

"Thank you" I managed between sniffs.

"Everybody tries it, you'll know for next time" you said referring to the drinking.

Feeling better now that I was connected solidly against you from the top of our shoulders to the heels of our feet I went on.

"Was there anything in particular I said?" knowing full well what it would have been.

"Nothing too out of the ordinary." You said fiddling with a part of the duvet between them.

You had mistaken my musings of love as our usual friendly banter, perhaps slightly exaggerated from the effects of the beer, but by no means a grand declaration of any sort.

"Oh good!" I cried, a little too loud, jolting you from your focus on the bedspread so as to make you look at him.

Even though it desperately wasn't!

"You were pretty funny." You grinned causing me to moan again and bury my head in my hands.

"Please remind me not to drink again!" as we then laughed over my spectacular dance moves the night previous.

Fortunately for me and less so for you, the whole cause of the debacle, Erin, moved on within two weeks. It seemed her parents could not settle in their small town so off they went back to the city. She promised to write to you, and did so regularly at first, but over the course of the year this fizzled then died out completely. You wern't too fazed with it all.

"How can I compete with all those city boys?" you had said.

Little did you know you could give the whole country a run for their money. Thank god you were so unassuming.

Your girl stories did not end there unfortunately. Before the ball of our penultimate year, Simone had asked you to be her partner and you'd reluctantly accepted only when you'd found out for sure that I had someone to go with.

"It's fine." I had said not wanting to cramp your style. Of course you should be able to hang out with other people, even other girls. We had gone to junior dances together, but this was different, this was a ball where you were meant to go with someone you fancied or were dating. One sided fancying excluded! Of course it was better to go with someone over no one and so when I was talking to my cousin Sam and we both found out the other had no one to go with, it made sense to go with each other. It was the safe option, if a little sad. People at least wouldn't talk, knowing we weren't dating.

"You should go with Simone. I'm going with Sam." Not that you needed my permission, but you looked so much more relieved after I had okayed it.

Everyone knew Simone was a flirt. She had just broken up with her rugby playing boyfriend for what was like the fifth time, but they were always getting back together.

And she'd been all over you at the ball and it was clear you was having a swell time. I had danced once with Sam, who then decided it would be a great idea to get some kind of battle going on the dance floor. Adrienne and her crew had pushed past me on my retirement to the seats, spilling their pink punch which was most likely laced with something, down my white dress. Accidental, but they had laughed all the same as they walked away. That was just the way they were. I had agonisied over the choice of dress, thinking it was too nice for me and that my face and hair didn't suit it. I had wanted something pretty and girly but still demure and sweet enough when compared with the likes of what the others were bound to choose. Sure enough Simone was in a wee red number which was as classy as it was lengthy. The top part to the bodice of the dress was sheer and then covered the satin which wrapped around my waist. The bottom was free flowing and had layers of fabric giving it extra body. A sash completed the look. It was not long but it was of a sensible length. My mum was the one that convinced me to get it, the tears in her eyes had said it all. I knew that she would be filling the dress out more than previous dances and all I wanted was for you to look at me. REALLY look at me.

This incident with the punch, the fact that I was alone and that you looked the most handsome I had ever seen you look, your medium blue tux with satin lapels and black bowtie complimenting the hue of your eyes perfectly, your hair swept to the side of your face over your forehead leaving a few bits flicking out around your ears, not to mention the fact that you looked so happy as you tried to bust out a man spin before twirling a beaming, laughing Simone around with you, overwhelmed me suddenly and I started to tear up in hopeless frustration. It had taken so long to get these kinks looking half decent. I decided I had to get away. Away from everybody and everything.

You saw me hastily making my way towards the exit and made no hesitation at leaving Simone bewildered in the middle of the dance floor while you pursued me, grabbing at my arm before I could make a speedy exit. You saw my watery eyes then and the stain on my lovely new gown. Not missing a beat you reached both hands down around my body, not touching me but giving me chills none-the-less and proceeded to delicately untie the coral sash around my waist and drape it over my shoulder pageant-style so that it covered most of the mark.

"Now you are my beauty queen." You said grinning.

That move could have been right off the screens from Hollywood. You really were incredible. Still, I could only offer a weak smile, lip still trembling.

You put one hand across my shoulder to pull me close and the other wiped the wet from beneath my lower lashes. As you pulled my head down into you you tried to comfort me.

"Hushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm here. I'm here for you."

I sniveled into you but managed to catch a glance of Simone storming off to join Adrienne and friend as they proceeded to whisper to each other what was sure to be nasty rumours about me or you or both.

"I'm sorry," I said pulling out a tissue from my handbag and dabbing at my eyes and nose while peeking towards Simone out of the corner of my eye. "I don't mean to make a big deal about this. It's nothing really."

You mistook my line of sight and eyed Sam trying to produce a dancing worm and gave a small knowing nod.

"I'm not having you Brinley Kemple be alone at the ball. Will you have this next dance with me?" The verbal words from your lips, and the non-verbal expression of your eyes and eyebrows questioned as the swell of the next song built up the hope of the moment.

My answer was perhaps the quickest response to any question ever asked, my tongue moving within my mouth before my brain even processed the notion.

We shared a dance together then, each set of eyes never leaving the other as tuneful notes kept us in a slow methodical rhythm. The look deeper than it had ever been, your big hands so oddly delicate as they held mine up with barely a whisper of a touch, and the way your left hand rested against the satin of my gown produced a more than pleasurable cool sensation as the fabric rubbed against my skin, our bodies synced perfectly in sway.

"You look beautiful tonight." you had murmured into my ear as you drew me close towards the ending of the song.

"I am such a lucky guy."

I had blushed like always knowing that I was truly the lucky one. The blood pounding through my ears was almost deafening. But my mind couldn't help running away with itself. Why did you say things like that to me when we wern't even dating? Were these really the things people said to just friends? It was all so confusing and unfair. My heart was always going to believe otherwise, but for right now I let myself enjoy the magic of the moment.

We continued sashaying around the dance floor, the widest smile now on both our faces as you spun me around and I laughed at the exhilaration of the air moving around us, my hair billowing out in undulating waves, the cream folds of my dress following.

Then the overwhelming cascade of music brought the song and the pair of us to a heightened finale where breathing was heavy in the eerie silence between tracks. My hair was sweeping the ground mid dip as you held me tightly. Your warm breath tickled the sensitive skin on my cheeks and eyes fixated upon my own beneath the fringe of hair as it all but fell over your right eye, the midnight blue of your iris holding me in gaze forever and yet for but a moment, your pupils opening up giving a glimpse of your very core. All too soon you were pulling me back up to you. We hugged then, it seemed natural to do so after such an enthralling dance, and then just as naturally you took me by the hand, wrapping your fingers around my knuckles like it hadn't been an eternity since we had last done so.

This was truly the most wonderful night of my life.

Hands still entwined, you lead me back to Sam.

"I believe the next dance is yours." you offered to him.

I reluctantly parted with your hand as you winked at me making the lines around your curving lips move upwards before Sam had swept me up in his own unrefined variation of movement. When I had sight towards you again, you were not to be seen. No doubt you had gone to try appease a very irate Simone. Ever the gentleman.

I mentally wished you good luck sympathising with what was not going to be a pretty scene.

Sure enough in the following weeks at school girls had whispered and giggled and boys had eyed you suspiciously as you walked by. Luckily it didn't last long and people got over it pretty quick as they tended to in high school.

Not that it fazed you, you were always happy-go-lucky and your true friends stuck by your side. But after that, one thing was noticeably different and it was that girls would not approach you, not like they used to. They would sometimes look longingly at you but then shake their head as if what they were thinking was more trouble than it was worth. They were often seen subsequently hanging off the arm of another buff rugby head who had been that week's player of the match. Of course I didn't mind that one little bit!

The girls had made my life harder though, they would sit in the seat where I usually sat at the cafeteria smirking up at me with "This seat's taken Jane, go find another."

I guessed they called me that for being a "Plain Jane."

Mean? Yes. Did I care? Well a little, but I wasn't going to change who I was by spending hours each morning with the straightening irons, bleaching my hair or caking my face so full of makeup I looked like a paper bag which had once contained old felt tip pens with their lids missing.

So as it was, moving forward in time, I sat watching you on my bed. I contemplated on how your love life had been fortunately tame. As for my love life over the years, it had been non-existent, but I didn't mind. In my eye there was no one that even came close to you.

My reverie cleared as we finished up with a heartfelt note of unification in our humming. I pondered over the words and meaning of the song.

"What would you do if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me" Never in a million years would I ever walk out on you for any reason whatsoever, but from your point of view I wasn't so sure. Things in life would happen - girlfriends, university, jobs. What if you grew up and over me? Realised you didn't need me in your life anymore?

"I get by with a little help from my friends." Were you telling me in some subconscious way that all I could ever be was a friend?

"Do you need any body. I just need someone to love." This was more promising. I moved my eyes timidly toward yours to gauge how you were feeling and was surprised to see you looking me square in the eyes.

You had wonder and awe in yours, having thoroughly enjoyed our sweet sounds made together. I brimmed with thankfulness that we were so complementary, that we worked so well together. If only this interconnectedness could be on that deeper level.

Immediately and unfortunately following I caught myself yawning. All these big thoughts had left me kind of tired. I curled up on the bed while you watched me closely.

"Oh Flossy, you're tired." You mused, your voice full of caring.

"I'll leave you to sleep now. Night night" you murmured passing a hand over my head and after doing so I wondered if it had lingered just a little bit longer than it was supposed to, catching a wavy lock between the fingers as you softly trailed through the strands before parting.

"Night Adam" I sighed, curving my lips up in my most special smile I reserved only for you and closing my eyes sleepily, content with the fuzzy image of your tall figure leaving not only through the doorway but an imprint on my mind, ready to resurface in my dreams, as I heard the door ease into place with a click behind you.

So it went on as such with my unspoken yearnings until the day when you was at my house sitting around on a Sunday afternoon and we had been thinking of things to do and I had joked that we could make candy floss. You insisted it would be impossible without a special machine so we googled it and we found a do-it-yourself recipe and had great fun trying to recreate the look in the picture.

You laughed at me as I got the sugar strings stuck in my hair and I chased after you with a vat of hot liquid sugar as you hollered "NO!"

After we were tired from the chasing and our sides hurt from laughing so much, you came up behind me at the stove as I tried miserably to spin the candy around a spatula. You chuckled softly into my ear. I stiffened somewhat and hoped you didn't notice what although was not uncomfortable for me was so close it sparked every nerve ending and pushed my mind from the Silly-fun mode to the Oh-how-I want-to-be-yours once again mode.

"You've gotta have patience floss" your breath hot in my ear made me want to itch it but I dared not move my hands from my sides where they were pleasantly pinned with your own strong upper arms. Your fingers reached down to take the messy spatula from my left hand and the spoon from my right. You gathered another spoonfull of hot liquid, pouring evenly with one hand while twirling the other slowly to coat the spatula and form the beginnings of a ball. I watched in awe at what you was doing mesmerised by the damn treacle which was so smooth, so sticky, so delicious.

Snap out of it! I scolded myself although knowing it would take a lot more than a simple chastisement to stop the way I was feeling right now.

Once you were done and the candy was hardened I couldn't help but lean back against you and you brought the utensil up to my mouth so I could taste the creation.

"Mmm…" I exhaled.

It might have been all my fluster and excitement in that minute, or the fun we had been having, but what I said next was that long awaited game-changer. The statement that would change it all forever.

"Gosh I love you" I emphasised turning to look adoringly into your eyes before immediately clasping my mouth with my hand in realisation of what I had done.

I had said it in full!

I had been enjoying the moment so much and was so completely comfortable with you that what I had uttered had bypassed my conscious mind.

If it wasn't for the particular action of my hand moving to cover my mouth you would not have noticed any oversight at all.

"Wait," you said.

"what do you mean?

And why are you covering your face?"

"I..I..I'm just it's …" I stammered turning beetroot red all over.

"You mean…" you said trailing off and looking into the distance for some recognition of what it all meant before bringing piercing eyes back to mine. It was as if 1000 lightbulbs had gone off in your head. They were questioning and they were searching, looking from my left to my right for the confirmation and answers you needed.

I could read those eyes so well even though this story had never before been told in them. There was no escaping now, and no point trying to cover the truth.

I nodded feebly, answering the question which didn't need to be spoken, hand still covering my mouth in absolute horror of what I might now have ruined.

I waited for something to change in your eyes, willing you to notice the bottomless pit of feelings and yearnings behind mine.

You didn't say anything more. Seconds passed. I saw the jaw clench and unclench. I was frightened now. You looked like a stranger.

Finally you spoke but they were not words I wanted to hear.

"I'm going to go now."

Suddenly you was no more and I was left staring at a door that had been hastily shut with a loud BANG. Shaking somewhat in the middle of the kitchen I blinked slowly as if to get my bearings on reality and fantasy. Yes, that actually just happened.

It didn't take long for the tears to start flowing. They were silent ones. I had no idea how to rectify this and was swimming in completely unfamiliar waters at this point.

Moving slowly up to my room, each footstep seeming heavier than the one before, I then lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling, wiping my eyes with my sleeve to clear the watery view above me.

I replayed his reaction over and over again in my mind. I had had no idea at how you was going to take my confession. It had certainly been beyond excruciating to see you in so different a way than I ever had before. I guessed I could only ever picture in my mind a typical Adam-type behaviour: telling jokes and making others laugh, laughing at anything and everything, looking out for others and conveying passion in what you enjoyed whether it be school or sports or music. All these reminders of your wonderfulness only added to the already large lump which was sitting in my throat and sowed seeds of sheer hopelessness and desolation. Whatever was I going to do now? I sniveled into my already sodden sleeve.

I wondered if I should text you or even go around to your house, but I was so mortified. I was sure not to find the right words to say and appear as a bumbling, awkward mess in front of you. It was probably better after all to give you some time and space to think. I hoped that you would be able to see past this whole thing, to forget I'd even said anything at all and beyond all other hopes that we would be able to get back what we had.

Another heavy weight on my mind was the fact that there was only one more month of our entire schooling life left. You had talked about going to university down south, although this wasn't a definite, while I'd chosen to stay locally. I would hate to have our friendship still so unsure up to and after you might leave. In the first instance you had been reluctant to go, telling me you would miss hanging out with me but I of course insisted you pursue what you wanted to do. I would not be the one to hold you back. We would still see each other in the holidays after all when you came back to town. I wondered now with everything the way it was whether you would have any reservations about leaving at all.

That night I didn't sleep at all. My cell phone screen stayed cold and dark throughout the night, and I would stare at it for endless minutes willing with every molecule in every bone in my body, a message to come through, afraid that if I looked away for a split second I would miss something. As the quiet house settled down for the night, the only sounds to be heard were my soft occasional sobs.

The morning after what was possibly the worst day of my life, my eyes were puffy and red which was definitely not conducive with going into school. A cold shower with my favorite music on helped but I was still fretting about what would happen today. How could I face you? What would I say? What would you say? What if you didn't want anything to do with me? I would bear jumping on a trampoline of brambles and broken glass but I couldn't bear your indifference. I would feel so lost without your support. It had been a long, long time since you had not been by my side. Sure, you'd been sick before but this was different. As a twosome we spent lunch together, walked home together and had numerous classes together. To say I was extremely nervous to see you was an understatement, I was small-boat-in-tsunami nauseous.

The kids at our school were bound to know our situation within minutes. They would see you without me and they would talk. The rumours would spread quickly. I imagined all those eyes peering at me as I walked the school grounds alone and almost started hyperventilating. After managing to get a firm hold on the basin, I took a deep breath with the forlorn, disoriented girl in the mirror. I was as ready for the day as a sheep was for getting it's tail chopped off. I only wished she could be as oblivious as the sheep.

I avoided the main places where I knew you were bound to hang out, but we had five together so it was inevitable we would see each other eventually. As I walked into the classroom my eyes darted left to right until I saw you across the room from me. I froze. You hadn't seen me yet. Every instinct in my body was telling me to flee but then your blue eyes swept onto mine and I had no escape. My heart was thumping outrageously now, I was sure the whole class could hear it as I waited. Waited for some sign of life from you. Finally you raised a corner of your lips so barely I was left puzzled as to whether you had acknowledged me at all, when through a sudden blur, class was in session. What had just happened? Were you about to say something or ignore me completely? The elephant remained in the room and I could feel invisible fibres linking me to you so that every time you moved I sensed it. I was sure you wanted to turn around to see me and caught your head in half turn a few times, but you never followed through.

I went home terribly dejected and heart-crushed at your apparent cold-shoulder. I could feel the tears welling up all over again and vaguely reflected oh how I even had any left at all.

The next day I found you talking to Adrienne in the cafeteria. Adrienne had this habit of throwing her head back in response to every comment you made. Her hand was on your forearm and I could see she was just a little bit closer than what was socially acceptable. Whether Adrienne was just a friend was another matter. You had sensed me there and caught my eye and I thought I saw something like concern in yours and you looked like you were about to move an arm in my direction when Adrienne had spied me and twisted you away. The new couple sat together for the next two days and as I saw how engrossed you seemed, I realised I had been replaced. I felt like my heart had been stabbed through my chest into little pieces and although every piece tried to continue beating for you just like in the Sorcerers Apprentice, they too had been wounded until every single piece of my heart was a dead immovable muscle.

You did however send a text through later which read "Are you ok? Sorry it's been crazy busy sorting out all this uni stuff. Hopefully see you tomorrow sometime." It was nice to receive, however non-committal and lacking of your usual warmth. I thought for ages on what to send back. It ended up being "I'm doing ok thanks. Yes I haven't seen you in ages. Good luck with uni stuff and hope to see you tomorrow too." God, I was such a coward for not addressing the burning issue!

When we finally talked for the first time it was the end of the school day almost a week since all of this had happened and I had just collected my stuff from the lockers when I heard you call out my name and saw you jog down the hallway towards me. I panicked. My whole throat clammed up so that I was sure I wouldn't be able to talk to you, let alone try to work my spontaneously leaden and dried tongue around words. You only asked about my day and whether we could walk together. You looked sheepish with your head bowed and hair hiding your eyes. I managed to rasp out a whispery ok. Small talk was made, with a few too-long silences. I was still so nervous around you. You could break my heart all over again at any minute. I could tell you were trying to ease the awkwardness but the subject lay unbroached and for the life of me I just couldn't do anything about it. God I really deserved a boring life didn't I! World's youngest spinster. How could I expect anyone to be with such a spineless excuse for a person? Not that you wanted to be with me. Your actions over the past few days and now the deafening silence said it all. Still, I think I would rather have your reticence than a full blown out-loud rejection. Your words would make any situation truer than true.

How you could say nothing at all though was totally against your character. It was just not like you to ignore someone's hurt. You cared too much about people. There was that time in the park when a a group of kids were playing, and you noticed the littlest kid getting excluded by the older kids so asked if he wanted to play frisbee with us. When the other kids saw the fun we were having and having timidly asked if they could join in, you made them apologise and promise the younger kid they would play fairly from then on before you let them. So as it was, it seemed strange that you hadn't tried to make me feel better about the situation. Couldn't you give me something, anything to feel good about? I was obviously not enough for you. I got that part loud and clear. But how was I going to accept a pill of acid like that? As we walked side by side, a little extra distance between us, our footsteps in sync as you slowed your pace to keep with me, I noticed there was no warmth in your voice, and I couldn't get your eyes to crinkle with a smile to them. There were no cute little touches or jokes like we usually shared and your entire manner was business like. If we couldn't get our friendship back then we were all but over.

We stumbled along in this manner for another week or so until there was a knock at my door. It was the first time you had been at my house since that fateful day.

I invited you in but you said you wouldn't be long, only that you wanted to tell me something. My knees started to crumple beneath me as I anticipated your dismissal having now had the time to think it over.

You looked somewhere over and beyond me with conflicted eyes as you said "I wanted to tell you I've accepted placement down south, I move in two weeks time."

I congratulated you and resisted the urge to throw my arms around you, sobbing, never to let you go. My voice came out surprisingly calm and collected whilst my heart screamed and cried and flailed helplessly inside. I watched you walk away. It was probably the last time I would ever see you.

Well it was certainly not the Hollywood ending but it was mine. Sometimes you just don't get the guy. I heard you started seeing a nice girl at university, your first serious girlfriend.

The end.