Feeling out of the loop was something very normal and expected for me. I was the girl who everyone used for their gain and everyone tried to wipe their mistakes on.
I'm a single and lonely person. Sometimes by choice, other times not so much.
I first became like this when I lost my mother.
I know, I know, the tragic story for a sad plot, but I truly don't think that I was that alone until the moment my best friend got married. I was her maid of honor and planning with her since the start. But when the planning was done, the vows were said and the first couple song started, I felt an inexplicable coldness come over me. It was making me feel too tight for my skin, it was making my breath come in short spurts and I felt alone. So very lonely for the first time in years.
My bones ached when I saw all the couples on the floor. It was saddening that I had never been held lovingly by a man. My mind raced and my heart clenched. So I did what I could to recede the pain. I took time to myself. Alone trying to escape the loneliness.
I went through the darkest times alone, reading cheesy novels about love and ultimately loss. And my heart clenched. I was hurting by not loving anything. But why hurt when there were more than enough people without love.
The truth was that I didn't want to be like those people. I wanted to come home and spend my time with someone. I wanted to be loved and cherished and love someone as wholly as they did me. So I did what everyone accused me of.
I got a cat.